To ask about a second child

[PlinkPlink]

Hi everyone,

This is a decision I am struggling with. Posting here for traffic. I'd be very grateful to hear your experiences and advice.

OH and I have a lovely DS. 25 months old. He is our world, makes us so happy. We have been flirting with the idea of having a 2nd one but I have some reservations, (and equally some excitations) about it.

Bit of backstory - DS had terrible colic in the beginning. Very high needs, needed to be next to me ALL the time. V stressful.
Also, both OH and I had turbulent childhoods. We're determined to never let our children go through something similar but there's a part of me that wonders if we would have been happier children without siblings?

So, please tell me your positives and less positives about having a 2nd child?

We had our second 5 years after the first. He has been an absolute dream for us all; he adores his big brother, is the easiest, happiest child I know and whilst I never particularly hankered after a second and was happy to let nature do what it liked, I'm so thrilled that we had him.

I always say DS1 was the prototype for DS2; he got the benefit of all the things we learned with DS1 but far less of the stress I put on myself with DS1.

My childhood was pretty terrible for the first ten years and it feels very much that DS1 was my 'perfect parent' child, where I pushed myself to be the polar opposite of the people I had in my childhood. DS2 taught me that good enough is just fine.

Your 2nd won't necessarily be anything like your first - just because one had colic doesn't mean the next will. Really I think you should have another child (or not) because you want one, not because you think it will be good or bad for your existing child.

I had my second with a three year gap. I think either leave 5 year gap or smaller 18m-2yrs. 3yo really struggled.

Hi OP

I had 2nd when first was 2.5

I actually found it harder than I expected. Everyone says the baby just slots into family life because they have to. I didn't find this at all! Rubbish sleeper, up every 90 min til we sleep trained at 7 months and after that we needed to be at home for nap times which really affected what we could do with the eldest (though to be fair she never seemed to mind). I felt like we spent the first 13 months in the house. I thought I'd gone through the adjustment of becoming a parent but it seemed I had another massive adjustment to become a parent of 2. Getting out the house is a massive pain. Trying to find activities they both enjoy is a pain though is starting to get easier. Cooking meals they both like is impossible, the second is a really fussy eater so quite often I cook different things. No rest period at all as when the baby is asleep is the only time for 1 on 1 with the eldest

I feel like were beginning to come out the other side now the youngest is 18 months but it was definitely a lot harder than I thought! There are some lovely moments as well as (at the moment) they get on well together but feels like its outweighed by the drudgery!

@1stmonkey

In fact we can be downright smug when we see our friends struggling with their number2s!!

You sound like a lovely person.

I had a very easy laid back first child
I didn’t think it was possible but DC 2 was even easier!
They were so close as children it made my life so much easier especially as I became a lone parent when they were 4 and 5
Lovely to see them playing together and looking after each other
They are now 26 and 27 and still very close

DS has a high needs baby, he never slept, always screamed and was always on the go - still is
We waited (some of it by choice) 4 years to have DD. She's a very chilled baby, rarely cries. We had a few issues with feeding that we never had with ds in the beginning but we made it past that.

The bond between these two is amazing. Despite DD only being 5.5 months her little face lights up in a completely different way when she sees her brother

I have a big age gap between my first and second and haven't regretted it for a minute. It's been wonderful. The age gap was bigger than I ideally would have liked but it's worked really really well. I used to think the ideal was having them no more than two years apart, as that's what 95% of the parents we know have done and it seems to be the popular option in these days of high childcare fees. But in your shoes I'd 100% be planning number two, but I think I'd wait until after Christmas to TTC, purely because I've read on here that age three can be a funny age to introduce a new sibling - when they're younger they don't notice the same, when they're older and at school or nursery they're used to that bit of independence, but age three can be splat in the middle of the tricky period in between. Of course that's just anecdotal and no doubt plenty of people would disagree, but all my children have been at their absolute trickiest between two and a half to three and a half so I'd play it safe!

Haha @senorasenora

It was a JOKE!! Hence the !!

Chill out love.

We were 50/50 for a while on having a second. Main factors against were we knew we would need to go through IVF again, I would probably need a C-section again, and finance. Main argument for was to give DD a sibling.

We decided to go for it in the end and DS was born 3.5 years after DD. They were very different as babies, although neither had colic - that must have been hard going. They play together sometimes, bicker a bit but ultimately love each other. DS is almost 2 now, the last year has been really hard work as I went back to work, DD started school and DS is in the hard core toddler phase. I can see glimmers of things settling down, but a big impact has been so much less time to myself/down time in general. One of them always seems to need something all the time. And it's bloody expensive. But I'm glad we did it.

We have a 21mths gap between our two DS’, they are very close brothers, no problems with jealousy as babies.

DS1 accepted his brother immediately, they are so close in age that I don’t expect DS1 can remember a time without his brother.

DS2 was much harder work than DS1 who was such an easy baby. You never get two the same they say, was correct in my experience.

Our two are 18 and 16 now and get on really well the majority of the time.

Very pleased I had two, but do what’s best for you OP.

Def easier two in nappies tbh. My second decided to toilet train when ds3 was a month old - that was not fun. I moved onto cloth nappies as cheaper (you can get some great deals on pre loved ones) and then sold them on

Thank you so much for your replies!

Bear2014 that sounds pretty intense going back to work, starting school and toddlerdom.

I must admit I really struggled with the lack of downtime with DS in the early days. Now I at least have the evenings to chill out whilst he sleeps. The daytime doesn't bother me so much. As long as I have those few hours to myself in the evening, I'm happy.

Lots of food for thought here...

Something nobody seems to have mentioned is that when you are old and need support then having more than one child is wonderful. My DBIL is really struggling as his DDad is now very high needs and it’s all on his shoulders. Of course, that assumes a family that gets on but most do (outside of MN).

I’m very glad we had DS2...DS1 didn’t sleep so we ended up with a 3.5 year gap and that worked well for us (finances allowed DS1 to continue with the childminder he adores throughout my mat leave which minimised that change for him and he’s with her on his own during that day so he got plenty of adult attention).

My first pregnancy was twins so I didn’t have much of a choice don’t have much to offer with having two children with an age gap. But I will say that whilst toddlerdom is exhausting it’s lovely to see DD and DS developing such a deep bond.

If you and your DH are both in the mindset that you’d like another and you know you have weighed up all of the alterations a new baby will have on your family you know you have been honest enough about the impact that baby will have on your lives - and your heart is saying go for it - then go for it 😊

I would love to TTC one more time. But it’s not on the cards for me. I’d happily take the woes of a newborn again because the joys outweigh them for me.

Do what works for you and yours 😊

DS2 was also the making of me and a much easier baby than DS1. My mum said it best when she said having a sibling rounded DS1.
Every family is different good luck OP had more like three and half years between mine not through choice.

DS is almost 3.5 and we're only just trying for number 2 again - our 'perfect' age gap would have been now however we lost our first attempt at a 2nd baby in April - I keep wondering if it's too late now but every day DS gets more and more independent and I'm grateful for the bigger gap

You haven't said if you're married to your OH / have an independent income / if you own your home / rent & have your name on the lease etc, which are very boring but essential questions.

For example, if you're not married, a SAHM, living in a rental without your name on the lease, you OH could come home from work tomorrow & say "I've fallen in love with Debbie from accounts, you need to move out as she's moving in." And legally you would need to move out & you don't have an income, so in that situation it's not wise to have a 2nd DC.

If you are married /own a property / have your independent income etc, it's a different story.

OH comes home with the same tale about falling in love with Debbie and you can say "no, you have to move out, this is my house as much as yours and I have my own means of paying the mortgage as well as having my own income to live off; go live your life with Debbie." In which case, it doesn't really matter if you have 1 or 2 DC as you have the means to support them both.

Unromantic but true.

I was really certain I just wanted one child from years before it was time to start a family. Really certain. When DD was born I had a difficult labour, she was very ill, in hospital for a long time and very hard work afterwards as she was an unsettled baby and toddler. This seemed to underline that it was the right decision.

Then when DD was about 3 I started wondering if we should have another and didn't actively try to get pregnant but didn't stop it either. And I got pregnant and there's a 4 year gap between DD1 and DD2.

I am soooo glad we had two! The 4 year gap worked well for us because it gave me time to recover from the difficulties of DD1s early years. I found the Labour much easier and DD2 iscmuch easier to look after. In fact weirdly I found having 2 easier than one because there seemed to be less intensity and anxiety. I don't feel like I had to be in the same room as them all the time, they became a self entertaining partnership. So glad I did it!

They are 15 and 19 now. They are very differently from one another and often argue but they love each other and I am so glad they have each other in the world.

@chuttypicks was pretty high-handed over on another thread about a wedding, OP - made a pretty irrelevant comment there as well. Don’t let it bother you.