To feel like I don’t love my son

[RubyPurple]

I feel terrible writing this but I feel like I don’t love my son. He’s a very difficult baby which has made it tough for us to bond. I left him with MIL a few times so I can get a break and I don’t miss him or think of him.

He also looks nothing like DH or myself and behaves nothing like us (we are both pretty easygoing in terms of temperament.) I often wish he looked like DH who I love so much. I know that sounds really silly but I think it makes me feel like he’s someone else’s baby that has been handed to me for looking after.

I do also feel a bit crap about myself at the moment which probably doesn’t help. During pregnancy I lost weight overall and looked better than I did pre pregnancy but post birth I’ve gained about 10kg due to eating a lot when I was breastfeeding and my hair has started falling out a lot. Because he’s such a difficult baby I can’t exercise or find time to cook and eat well.

I also really, really miss my pre baby life. Miss being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Miss intimacy with DH. I guess that’s all pretty normal but the way I feel about baby isn’t.

I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have a child and one who is healthy but I just can’t seem to find any happiness in it. Even when he occasionally smiles or seems content it doesn’t fill me with happiness.

I feel terrible writing this and I know it makes me sound like an awful and selfish mother but I just wanted to put it out there.

You aren't a awful person, sounds very much like you have post natal depression. Get yourself to your GP as soon as possible. With their help you'll get sorted out.

Awww Ruby, have you considered this could be PND? Have you discussed with your GP?

Don’t worry, this is pretty common but not everyone is brave enough to talk about it

Aw you poor thing, this is a very lonely unhappy place to be. I hate to jump to the obvious, but it does sound like classics PND. Which is absolutely nothing to be ashamed of and is so common you wouldn’t believe. Do you think you can get a GP appointment? They will help and support - and have seen this so many times before. I promise it will help and you’ll feel so much more yourself soon xxxx

Hi 👋 I don’t have much to contribute but didn’t want to read your post and leave it. I think it can be pretty hard to bond initially especially with a difficult baby - have you considered post natal depression? Do you have lots of support?
Best wishes to you and your family x

How old is he? Contrary to what a lot of people think, many mothers take time to love their babies. Babies are hard work, and they change your life forever. It’s not necessarily a sign of PND that you don’t feel the way you are expected to feel (although it might be).

It is normal to miss your old life, it is a huge change having a baby. Do seek out GP support as you can get help which will give you tools to think clearly. I would add that we all dislike our kids at times it is not limit to the baby stage, it is ok and with support those feelings can and do change. We all looked and felt like crap when we had babies, we are not super women we are human!!! Use all the help you can and look after yourself.

I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. I wanted to echo the other posters and ask whether you have considered that you might have PND? Make an appointment with your GP and explain to them how you’re feeling. I don’t think how you’re feeling is uncommon and you will be far from alone in feeling this way.

You are not awful or selfish. You are hormonal and tired and quite probably suffering from PND as you are describing some pretty classic symptoms. Please talk to your HV or GP. There's great support and help out there that, combined with time, will make you feel better.
Also remember that with babies love can be a grow-er or a show-er. I've experienced both. The first with my first. In hindsight I PND and while I felt very protective from the off, the love took a while to shine through. I got there though. With my youngest it was an instant thunderclap. Years down the line I can genuinely say I love and adore them both equally, although differently as they are very different people, and don't have a favourite between them.
You too will feel like this. It's going to be ok. Well done for taking the first step and speaking out. Now time for a deep breath and do it again to one of your medical team. Wishing you lots of luck.

You don’t sound like an awful or selfish mother, you sound like a mother who has had a difficult time and may have PND. Bonding issues are way more common than is usually imagined, it’s just that it isn’t spoken of much, as women fear the reaction of others. Having a difficult baby ups the likelihood of both PND and delay in bonding. Please go and see your GP and discuss getting some support. This can all change for you.

OP I want to first say well done for admitting this, it's hard and a horrible thing, but i'm so happy you have said it. You are not alone i these thoughts.
I had similar feelings with my DS and I tried to hide my feelings and carry on and this was the worst thing I could have done.
I finally went to see my GP when DS was 11 months old as I had got to the point where I felt empty and hated everything. I had actually packed my bags and told DP i was leaving him and DS.
Turns out I had PND and severe anxiety, it's a long journey to recovery but I am so happy my DP made me see my GP.
Please talk to someone, a friend, family member, HV or GP as there is support out there for you.
I wish you happiness and luck x

Please speak to someone, your health visitor or GP as there is support available which will help. I was the same a few months back, to the point I was even looking up the logistics of putting her up for adoption- and she was an 'easy' baby. After admitting I might need to speak to someone I did and honestly I feel worlds different now and can't even recognise that person now. Its such a huge physical and emotional change which affects every aspect of your life, it will be hard but so worth it.

Thanks. I will speak to GP. I guess they will advise counselling and medication for PND?

Did anyone else have a child that didn’t look like them and find it difficult to feel like it was their child?

You're not awful, or selfish! I felt the exact same after my DS was born, I had PND. Please speak to your HV or GP to get yourself some help, it really will make you feel better.

Sending hugs your way.

I used to be really confused when people said they didn’t know they had PND, until I got it myself. From the outside looking in, your post says “postnatal depression” in neon letters, but when I felt similarly I didn’t realise that’s what it was. I thought I just wasn’t bonding, and was just struggling because it was a traumatic time (long nicu stay and complex health issues).

In some ways I was just like you but in others very different - I couldn’t stop worrying about them but they were rarely ever out of my sight.

I had no idea that’s what it was though.

I felt very detached from mine even though they looked like DH - they were taken straight from theatre to NICU without seeing them, which didn’t help.

People adopt and bond - baby clearly wouldn’t look like them then.

Hope you get some help

I agree with others. I'd make a GP appointment. Not a nice thing to admit but I'm not sure how I'd feel if. Mine didn't look like either of us.

You don’t sound awful, you sound in need of help.

Baby’s temperament now isn’t reflective of what his personality will be like when he’s a bit bigger. When they’re tiny there can be any number of things bothering them - sore tummy, mild food intolerance, an ache, a sound they don’t like - and you could spend ages getting to the bottom of it but you could also not!

As for yourself, I also put on a lot of weight when bf at the start (contrary to what is supposed to be the case) and it’s now falling off at 8 months despite my only doing a little bit of exercise. And I’m not someone who shifts weight easily normally. Lots of hair loss is completely normal, compensating for the hair you didn’t lose while pregnant, and should get better as baby approaches a year old.

Take care of yourself and keep asking MIL - and others if you have them - to help. Just be there for baby and look after yourself. Don’t keep second guessing how you feel about him, right now he just needs you to be there.

I have 2 desperately wanted children. I had 10 miscarriages before them and years of infertility and failed fertility treatment. I had absolutely no bond with my daughter when she was born for about 6 months. I hated being a mother, it was nothing but hard work. I used to cry in bed every night wondering what the hell I had done. From about 6 months when DD was a bit less hard work and could interact more seeds of love began to grow until I absolutely loved her fiercely. I had my son two years later because I felt I should give her a sibling, not because I wanted him. I took longer to bond with him, probably a year but again, the love grew slowly. I am definitely a better mother to children than I was to babies and I love the bones of them now.

Don’t be too hard on yourself. It will pass. Get support from the GP and family. It will all be ok.

My youngest is 6 weeks. Boys run in the family so although we didn't find out I was expecting and happy with a boy but she was a surprise girl.

However, I was more surprised that she has a lot of dark hair and her eyes are also still really dark. All the babies in my family look like cherubs with blonde hair and blue eyes so she feels a little alien to me - also newborns are a bit weird anyway - but as she's getting older I can see my mum and sister in her.

My oldest has morphed through different family members as he grows and now at 2 is definitely his own little person. How old is your little one? I'm sure as you get to know them - and check in with the GP - you'll find the love grows and grows.

I would also say talk to your HV or GP.
When I had DS1 I didn't bond with him at all. I could have left the hospital without him and not looked back .
They gave me this questionnaire during the week I was there (DS was in SCBU - bad birth) to fill in to try and flag up PND concerns. Nowhere on the questionnaire did it ask how I felt about the actual baby, or whether I felt numb/nothing at all. And as a new parent, I had no idea how I should be feeling and it didn't occur to me that actually there might be something wrong, because I felt ok in myself. I was just going through the motions of caring for him

DS1 doesn't really look like either of us, but that wasn't something I particularly noticed at the time, so I can't help with that.

Fake it until you make it! Honestly, babies are hard work. Eventually you will feel that bond when they start "giving back" as toddlers and beyond.

In the meantime, get support for PND by all means (good suggestions above) but honestly what you are feeling is SO normal and I was much more content second time round realising these things take time and not beating myself up

@RubyPurple I had a daughter that looked nothing like me or my husband.....people were jokingly questioning where we found her. I didn't have a problem with it, but can understand the oddness of it for you and perhaps the disconnect. Since then she has gone through about a hundred phases of looking like different members of the family and has finally settled on looking exactly like my husband but with my colouring.

Even if your child doesn't look like either of you, you have made a unique blend of you and your husband that can't be replicated, that's something to feel good about.

I’m mixed race with dark hair and olive skin, husband is white but quite tanned with dark hair and eyes.

Second DS is testament to how random genes can be as he has curly white blond hair, blue eyes and extremely fair skin.

However I always felt he was mine but I DID feel very depressed for months. He was hard work and I found no joy in parenting at all.

I saw my doctor reluctantly but she was excellent and I’ve had some CBT plus meds which we’re life changing.

It’s a battle OP but take what help you can get.

It awful. It took me six months to bond with my son. There are actual pictures of me In hospital with my back turned towards him. It was so obvious that I didn’t want anything to do with him.

It will come. Sometimes it takes a bit longer to bond with them. It’s a huge change to you life.

For what it is worth my son is now nearly 16. I love him so much. He is so funny and loving and caring.