To feel like I don’t love my son

[RubyPurple]

I feel terrible writing this but I feel like I don’t love my son. He’s a very difficult baby which has made it tough for us to bond. I left him with MIL a few times so I can get a break and I don’t miss him or think of him.

He also looks nothing like DH or myself and behaves nothing like us (we are both pretty easygoing in terms of temperament.) I often wish he looked like DH who I love so much. I know that sounds really silly but I think it makes me feel like he’s someone else’s baby that has been handed to me for looking after.

I do also feel a bit crap about myself at the moment which probably doesn’t help. During pregnancy I lost weight overall and looked better than I did pre pregnancy but post birth I’ve gained about 10kg due to eating a lot when I was breastfeeding and my hair has started falling out a lot. Because he’s such a difficult baby I can’t exercise or find time to cook and eat well.

I also really, really miss my pre baby life. Miss being able to do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Miss intimacy with DH. I guess that’s all pretty normal but the way I feel about baby isn’t.

I try to remind myself how lucky I am to have a child and one who is healthy but I just can’t seem to find any happiness in it. Even when he occasionally smiles or seems content it doesn’t fill me with happiness.

I feel terrible writing this and I know it makes me sound like an awful and selfish mother but I just wanted to put it out there.

I concur with others - it’s a massive change of lifestyle esp as the dads go back to work after two weeks and you have to forge out a new life really which is tough. I hated the restrictions.
She looked like me & dh from the start, and I did bond but I found the transition tough. I don’t know if it was pnd or just the change/loneliness really. I think the latter as I was ok in company. I’m now mum of teens which has its own challenges!!

This is ridiculously common, I wish more women felt brave enough to speak out about it- it could really help others experiencing the same.

You aren’t an awful person, you most likely have PND. You need help, contact your GP and also health visitor.

I want to add I was the same with DC1. I literally begged my Mum to take him back to the hospital at one stage, I wanted to give him up for adoption and at one point said I should have had an abortion. I really struggled to cope with him. He had colic for the first three months which really didn’t help, breastfeeding was hard too and I just couldn’t handle the screaming anymore. I looked at him and felt blank, kind of void of emotion really. I remember once wanting to drown myself in the bath because he’d started screaming again and I didn’t know what to do.

He is nine and a half now and the light of my life. It does get better OP, I absolutely promise it does. You just need a little help. There’s no shame in it either, PND can happen to anyone.

How old is your baby OP?

It sounds like textbook PND, which does NOT mean you are a bad mother. It means you may have an illness which can be treated.

I would definitely speak to your GP, there is so much that can be done to help

It normally infuriates me when people start diagnosing over MN threads, but your post really does scream classic PND.

Hope the GP can direct you to the appropriate services so you can start to get better.

Make sure you have lots of support around you during this time, and go easy on yourself. You are not horrible, you shouldn't feel guilty, you are unwell and simply need some support in getting better.

I wonder in what way does your child not resemble you or DH? Facially? You also mentioned that both you and DH have easy going temperaments but that your child has what sounds to be a difficult temperment.

Have you considered a genetic element? Certain not terribly uncommon genetic conditions can cause both behavioural issues and can also manifest in subtly altered facial and body appearance.

I only mention this as a possibility as an answer could both help you psychologically and also afford assurance in managing any issues.

Dd was born with a genetic abnormality that we knew nothing about and because of that she looked very different to other babies and I found it difficult to bond, it probably took me 18m - 2 yrs to properly bond with her. Fast forward ten years and she's the spitting image of me and I adore her beyond life itself! It will happen OP, it just takes longer sometimes for some people.

I will speak to my Gp and HV. Could someone tell me what they do? Is it talking therapy?

In terms of looks he’s not got any issues as such. He’s a normal looking baby, I just don’t see a resemblance with either of us the way other babies in our family have striking resemblance with one or other parent. It’s not just us, everyone we ask says they aren’t sure who he looks like. He’s three months now.

I guess before he was born I had an image in my head that he would look like one of us or a combination of us and that he would be a happy baby like we both were but it’s turned out nothing like that.

Oh op it’s really really tough isn’t it,
I promise it dies get better, but please get some support now, don’t wait for it to change. It does sound like PND.
My dd was a tricky Velcro baby and I felt engulfed by her. She is almost 15 and so placid and lovely now. She’s been out all day and I’ve missed her. But at 6 months I remember thinking I just wanted to put her in a bin and run away. Then of course I beat myself up badly for feeling like that.
You’re not alone on how you feel.

You seem to be focusing on the looks thing a lot. At 3 months lots of babies don't look like anyone in particular. Mine didn't but as they grew you could see our features more and more (from toddlerhood onwards) and now they are teens and you can see DS looks like me and DD like DH. That chopped and changed throughout their childhood though.

Definitely see your GP.

This is a three month old baby then? Good god, he won't look like anyone just yet. He'll just look like, well, a baby. They all look the same. Puffy and bald. The only time the phrase 'This three month old looks just like his daddy' is true is when the daddy is Phil Mitchell.

Also, he won't behave like anyone just yet. At three months old, can they really do anything else but sleep, cry, feed and fill nappies? Give him time to grow and develop.

Depending on the condition, an affected child wouldn't necessarily look "bad", or "strange", they could just look like a slightly different version of themself, due to subtle alterations in facial structure (nasal bridge, cheek bones, eye shape, ears, muscle tone etc). The differences can be very subtle when they are small and you really wouldn't know unless you "knew" (if that makes sense). I just wonder if you have instinctively picked up on something as a mother - particularly due to what you mentioned about very different/difficult temperament.