To give up on a 20 year friendship

[Wonderland18]

My friends been in my life forever but since the start of my pregnancy I’ve had nothing but issues with her. (She’s had a previous miscarriage and a termination)

I was told I couldn’t have kids so my LO was a hell of a surprise, my friend didn’t take to it too well. Spent the first 4 months going on about her miscarriage 8 years ago giving me unbelievable anxiety. Then when I was around 7 months she told me her parents weren’t happy she bought my LO outfits as they don’t think I’ll make it full term. I had to usher her out the house after that one (never one apology)

Now we always spoke every day and seen each other weekly and once the LO was born she was around constantly. I’ve now not seen her in 4 months and hear from her once a fortnight. I messaged about PND and how I was struggling and got. I response for a week and then it was just a yeah we all struggle message but hope your feeling better.

I’ve supported her through everything and just feel done now, Am I being unreasonable to want to call it quits?

That ain't no friend. She'll probably get in touch when she needs you for something, and when she does tell her to get to fuck.

Bin her.

YANBU

YANBU.

You’ll hear from her when she’s pregnant again though I reckon.

It’s run it’s course. No need for any drama, just relegate the friendship to a lower status.

I get that she’s hurting but there’s no need to transfer that hurt into you - and making deliberately anxiety causing statements is not on

I agree that it's the end of the line. She's not been a friend too you for almost a year. Have some self respect and ditch her, even though you will grieve for all those years. She hasn't stepped up when she should have done.

I’ve not mentioned it to her and I’m not sure I would, I’m just not sure if I’m better to just avoid contact in the times she does message me.

I guess it’s more fool me for putting up with all i have, kinda set myself up for it. She was rude to my long term ex and has been nasty constantly to DP (prior to pregnancy) and I always let it go as she’d been through much with regards to partners cheating, losing interest, her miscarriage and her termination.
I should have known though as she wasn’t 100% there for me through my loss of a parent and when I finally opened up about childhood sexual assaults she wasn’t particularly there either.

Her family are very close and happy and always included me though and I loved that about them so loved being around them. It will be sad to lose that along with her

You're letting the fact that you've known her for so long cloud your judgement. She's been a terrible friend to you for a year: time to walk away. People can change a lot over 20 years, too. I recently ended a 30+ year friendship - it's not easy, as you keep remembering the good times and hope that things will work out. In my case I kept it going, hoping that things would improve, but if anything they got worse. I am actually relieved that this person is no longer in my life. Your 'friend' has been cruel. She has used her experiences to cause you distress - whether intentionally or not, she's not the sort of person you want to have in your and your DC's life.

Do you think there’s zero point in trying to talk to her about it?
Like just say I’m feeling a bit shit she’s not been there much and see if there’s any way to salvage what’s left? Or am I better to just leave it at my last ignored message and move on?

I think you could possibly both be more understanding of each other, but the fact that neither of you is speaks volumes that perhaps the friendship has run its course.

I’d leave it - let her message back if/when she’s ready, and be as non committal back.
Are you getting any help with your PND?

I’ve been seeing perinatal mental health and have a psychotherapist assessment soon so hopefully that should help a little. I was on antidepressants since 14 and came off everything for my LO. Done so well staying off it all to breastfeed and don’t want to go back onto anything. I do really miss her though and even just the having someone to talk trivial subjects with was better than nothing 🤷🏻‍♀️
I guess it’s definitely just ran its course

I can't see any messages on your post, and your post doesn't seem to make sense.

Mumsnet is broken today.

@81Byerley the OP isn’t showing just now. There’s a Mumsnet error going on. The above message was a response I forgot to @ the reply was all

In light of her not being there for you for lots of major things and being rude and nasty, I’d say just let it go. She’s not your friend.

Shit friend OP.

Get rid.

She's not your friend.

You're not at all unreasonable, she has behaved quite shabbily towards you. I feel sorry for her, she's obviously disappointed in life but, still, that isn't your fault. The woman needs to take a step back, see herself as others see her and learn some tact!

In your place I'd steer well clear of her but if she comes back in time and expresses some regret for things she has said, see how you feel then.

I do hope you will be feeling better soon.

She was hoping that you'd miscarry. Then when you were out of the woods there she was hoping for something else to go wrong. She's not your friend, cut her out of your life.

(She’s had a previous miscarriage and a termination)

But you have a baby, she doesn't , thats why she has withdrawn. Right at the moment, she isnt your friend, she cant cope. You've moved along on your path, she hasn't. It's sad, but sometimes we come to cross roads and each takes a different journey. Let it slide, the friendship has come to a natural end.

Crikey! I sound like some Bella/Best Column

I think she is really struggling with the loss of her baby. I changed massively after our first baby died and was completely unable to be around pregnant women and couldn't understand why everyone assumed their babies would survive pregnancy when mine didn't, then we lost two more and the feelings got even worse. I just didn't understand why mine died but everyone else had normal pregnancies and living babies - despite (obviously) not wishing their babies to die.

I've still not had a live baby since those losses and being around pregnancy makes me feel ill mentally and physically. It's like this intense jealousy mixed with unbearable pain and confusion which can't go anywhere.

I think your friend tried to be a part of your life when your baby was born, but failed when she realised it was too hard. It sounds like she's been through a hell of a lot and doesn't know how to cope with her feelings.

This is just my observation from a more personal point of view, and maybe she really is just a shitty friend in general. However, I have lost friends since my three babies died and it is a very lonely place when you don't know how to manage the feelings that come with babyloss. Jealousy is the hardest to deal with as it is such a negative feeling that completely takes over your life no matter how much counselling you have.

Has she had a baby since her MC? I'm convinced a baby following a MC can take most of those feelings away but I may be wrong as I am yet to find out

Then when I was around 7 months she told me her parents weren’t happy she bought my LO outfits as they don’t think I’ll make it full term

Frankly, OP, I can't understand why you allowed her back into your life a second time ... so I would simply let this "friendship" die a natural death.

All she is giving you is anxiety & snide comments.
I can understand her grief about her own fertility, but it's not your fault & to take it out on you with nasty comments like the above is beyond acceptable.

Do you think there’s zero point in trying to talk to her about it?
Yes, She wasn't interested in talking about your childhood sexual abuse, she's not interested in your current MH, & she's not interested in you having as comfortable & stress-free pregnancy as possible. Why would you imagine she's gonna be interested in talking about her own poor behaviour?

Or am I better to just leave it at my last ignored message and move on?
Do that. It's sad that so much history of happy times with her family goes with this relationship, but seriously for your own MH I would back right off. Don't respond, don't initiate.

If "friend" ever realises her own crassness & offers you an apology without prompting, that may be a different matter. But you're best off chalking this one up to experience & moving on.