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Original poster

How do I help my daughter - friendships

27 replies

wiggywiggy · 23/07/2019 23:44

Looking for advice please.
My teenage daughter (only child) doesn't have many friends.
The two main ones that she has are best friends with each other but don't really want to do much in the way of activity. They are content to sit at home and watch the TV.

There are two other lovely friends that she has but they are all part of bigger friendship groups who hang out together.

My dd sometimes hangs out with these 2 girls and goes into town with them separately, but she is never invited into the big group even though she knows them all and is friendly with them.

So far my dd has been by herself in her bedroom every day, she has snapchatted and Instagramed these 2 girls asking if they are free, if they can meet up and do something
Each time she gets the answer that they are busy
But when my dd goes onto Instagram all she sees is these 2 girls with the rest of their friendship group having fun.

Today whilst my dd was doing nothing sat by herself these girls were all together with about 10 others all having fun in a large lake where they have been three times already this holiday.

These girls are a really nice bunch and my dd desperately wants to join in but she never gets invited. It's as if they want my dd company 1 to 1 but not in a group.

My dd is so lonely and spends so much time by herself or with me.
She asks me how can she get included and have some fun, but I don't know how to advise her.

Every school holiday is the sage same, Spent mostly by herself.
She gets sad and beleives there must be something wrong with her to be constantly excluded. But she's lovely and funny and quirky.

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 23/07/2019 23:51

How old? Can you organise something like paddle boarding ask the other parents if their kids are free? See if you could team up with one or two of the other mums and do a picnic too? Maybe they just need a couple of group activities that you instigate and they’ll start including her.
If she’s older and dies then want your involvement maybe you could have a quiet word with one if the other mums? See if there is an issue or if when next group activity is organised the mum can suggest they invite your daughter? Not insist just suggest?

RedHatsDoNotSuitMe · 24/07/2019 00:02

Good advice from Pip

Also... sport and hobbies.
What is your DD interested in? Sign her up for a club that caters for it. There'll be loads running over the summer. Sign her up to a choir or a drama workshop or learn to play tennis or golf or do an art course.
(a) it will fill up her time; (b) she may learn a new skill or improve something she already knows (c) she'll make friends from outside her usual circle.

StrawCat · 24/07/2019 00:18

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Titsywoo · 24/07/2019 00:31

My dd is 14 and has exactly the same issues. No advice I'm afraid but watching for ideas.

BarbariansMum · 24/07/2019 00:32

There is nothing in the OP to suggest that her DS is horrible Cat Hmm

BarbariansMum · 24/07/2019 00:32

Her dd

IAskTooManyQuestions · 24/07/2019 01:04

Is DD friendly with all the girls in the wider groups or are there any issues with maybe one or two of them

IAskTooManyQuestions · 24/07/2019 01:08

But she's lovely and sunny and quirky

What do you mean by 'quirky' ?

HennyPennyHorror · 24/07/2019 01:19

Pips advice is only good if the kids are 11-12. Once they hit 13 plus, they'd be Blush at a parent arranging their social life.

I've a 14 year old DD and she's spoken to me about the dynamics of these larger groups and it's not always easy OP.

I think a good thing to do would be to get your DD into a club of some sort...something she'd enjoy...riding/drama or similar.

She'll have something to do AND the chance to make more mates.

browzingss · 24/07/2019 08:59

Well it would help if you said how old she is.

Realistically there’s nothing you can do to force friendships, but you can do things like take her out yourself eg Cinema, new restaurants, new cities, what her friends do etc so when she sees her friends, she has things to discuss and a baseline knowledge of current culture so she can join in with their conversations vs feeling left out.

At school age, friendships are fickle and they change friendship groups often, this isn’t necessarily indicative of her entire school life.

BooksAreMyOnlyFriends · 24/07/2019 09:13

Hang in there, op. This happened with my dd. She did have friends but wasn't confident enough arrange things so outside school she rarely saw them.

I became her best friend instead. Lots of shopping trips, cinema, swimming, days out, weekend away. Anything so she wasn't at home on her own all the time.

In year 10 everything changed, she made one solid friend and they are still good friends in their 20s.

Adversecamber22 · 24/07/2019 09:19

Dc that age are a mercenary bunch and anyone that doesn’t fit in with the herd can be left out. I’m wondering about the quirky label. I guess I was that at school and had the same thing with girls some close one to one friends but got left out of big groups. As an adult I found my own tribe and friendships seem very easy now but not back then so much. The only big friendship groups I made were with boys and that involved climbing trees and doing ridiculously dangerous pursuits that involved concussion, almost drowning and fighting with cow pats. I loved all that but it did further ostracise me from the girls,

BuddysMama · 24/07/2019 11:06

I had this exact same dilemma at school, I had friends but didn't really fit in with a particular 'group' I did however, make some amazing friends from a dance group I attended and spent most of my free time with them. I think I found it easier as we already had a shared interest, so maybe have a chat with her about something she'd be interested in, sports or drama or something like that

Original poster
wiggywiggy · 24/07/2019 11:44

She's 14 going into year 10

It was easier when I could arrange her social life, now I wouldn't dare.

She's done dance, drama, guides, netball club, music club and had made lots of friends through them, but again isn't part of their groups.

When I mean quirky she does funny dances, she isn't afraid to laugh at herself

OP posts:
Elmo311 · 24/07/2019 12:03

@wiggywiggy It must be so upsetting for her to be asking what they are up to and realise they are all out together! ....I know at 14 I wouldn't have had the confidence to do this, but does she not feel like she can ask to join them? My mum always used to say "if you don't ask you don't get "
This way she will either be sad if they say no (but she's sad and excluded at the moment anyway) or they will be like "hell yeah come out!" And she will be happy.

She sounds fun to me!

Hotterthanahotthing · 24/07/2019 12:16

Dynamics change a bit in year 10 as children split off for different subjects so the big friendship groups may change.
My DD has lonely holiday times too as we are rural with rapidly decreasing public transport.
She is 16 and going to a different college to her friends so next year is a worry too.
This summer however she is on the Citizenship program and really enjoying it.It is really worth looking at for when she is old enough.She is making new friends and gaining confidence .
I hope you find something but this age is difficult,DD met up with a friend at the weekend and they spent their time on their phones!

EmeraldShamrock · 24/07/2019 13:01

It is awful. I feel for your daughter it is a tricky age and very unfair.
IME it is the starting block to finding a meaningful friendship.
Most of my nieces nephews found themselves in a similar position at some point over the holidays, they all moved on and eventually found new friends, the lonely teens eventually meet and have respect for each other as they understand what it is like to be left out.
I hope it gets better.

Original poster
wiggywiggy · 24/07/2019 13:16

Thanks for your comments
I did say to her to talk to one of the girls that she is good friends with who is really nice and just ask if she can go along next time but she just says that it sounds desperate

I can understand her reasoning, I do try and tell her that they aren't being nasty it's just they don't think outside their group

I'm sure if she confided and said that she was feeling really alone a few might help but I don't think she would do it

OP posts:
zzzzzzzz12345 · 24/07/2019 14:16

It’s so sad OP but the only thing you can do is be there for her, and sum
Anissa/empathise. You can’t (and shouldn’t) be involved in ‘helping’, this isn’t your job anymore. She has to find her own way and find her own people. These probably aren’t them, which is why they don’t include her. I have a quirky child. It’s fabulous as a mum, but to peers it can be offputting and weird. She needs it learn to either be herself and deal wit the consequences, or play the game and be accepted. I’m not saying either us right, but that is reality.
Seeing my daughter with her peers is sometimes a joy and sometimes utterly painful. I wince on occasion. But she’s much younger, and to a certain extent I can help her by inviting kids and taking her to activities. By 14 she’ll be on her own and all I can do is be shoulder to cry on for for advice ONLY if asked.
I feel your pain. But it’s her pain not yours. Try to not wear it as your own. She needs you to be her mum, not the person who resolves the unresolvable.
I know it’s no help now, but loads of really successful people cite school days and fitting it as a real problem. What makes them stand out from the crowd now might very well be the making of them when they are older, when being the same as everyone else is no longer required or desired.

EmeraldShamrock · 24/07/2019 14:35

Do you have the money to take a little trip with her, I know they domy

EmeraldShamrock · 24/07/2019 14:37

Sorry posting to soon, DD disturbed me Grin
I was going to say if you had the money, can you do something with her, it might be nice to spend this quiet time in her life with her mam.
Take a weekend away?

Toooldtocareanymore · 24/07/2019 15:16

I think you are correct OP she will have to push herself a bit to get included in invite, its probably just they are the usual group that do things and its probably decided in some group chat rather than someone inviting everyone, I agree they don't seem to be being nasty, I also get what she says about sounding desperate asking for invite, but maybe she could word it to her friend like I really love going to x lake but my mum wont let me go unless she knows I'm with certain friends, so can you let me know when your next going, also I wouldn't be beyond suggesting if she sees a post saying they are all in x place letting her go then.

My younger ds 13, hasn't any friends he doesn't seem to be able to make friends but he is friendly to everyone, I seem to worry about this far more than he does but if we pass a park or something and school mates are there in friendship groups I just say to him pop over and say hi , they always are happy to see him just wouldn't ever consider inviting him, he then joins in and I disappear. .

newmomof1 · 24/07/2019 15:20

Tell her to just say "let me know next time you're going to x and I'll tag along if I'm free"

If there's a reason they don't want to include her, they'll tell her.

ysmaem · 24/07/2019 16:11

If she's in going into year 10 and is 14 I would probably not try and do a meet up with the other parents. I just have a bad feeling that it wouldn't go the way you would want it to unfortunately. Obviously sitting in her room, isolated and alone isn't good either. I would try and do what pp suggested and get her into some local groups or clubs so she can meet new people.

IsobelRae23 · 24/07/2019 16:37

Please don’t organise anything at that age, that’s someone you would do for 11 years olds. It may just mean that she isn’t part of their ‘group’. I had my ‘group’ in school, my ‘group’ outside school and several ‘individual’ friends. They rarely hung out together, because the friendships were different. It doesn’t mean anything is ‘wrong’ with your daughter, it just sounds like these are more acquaintances than bff’s, and your daughter is great to hang out with, when no one else is available. She needs to find her own group of close friends, who will be her bff’s or will be feeling like this every holiday until she leaves for university (if she goes).