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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think some men are just vile

65 replies

ThelmaTurtle · 23/07/2019 17:13

Was just walking home from work when a group of 'men' started discussing between themselves the size of my breasts (her in the blue top, hers are massive etc...).

I was very obviously within hearing distance waiting to cross a road and it made me so uncomfortable being spoken about like I'm not even there/just a piece of meat for them to ogle at.

No I didn't say anything, I wanted to but it's intimidating when you're on your own so I just carried on walking.

I know it's not an uncommon occurance but I just needed to rant because it's so fucking rude!

AIBU to think a lot of 'men' are just disgusting? It's like they are just genuine bafoons who don't know how to act appropriately in public.

Generally speaking, are women just the more pleasant, thoughtful and considerate sex? Or is it just bad luck that I don't seem to have encourted as many arsehole women in my life? Is it bad parenting? Of course a lot of it is down to the society we live in I understand but how come some of them don't end up like that?

I have a H who is lovely and who I know would never in a million years act that way but I have certainly come across more 'men' like the ones described above than ones like my H unfortunately.

OP posts:
Original poster
ThelmaTurtle · 23/07/2019 18:29

"Though we adore them individually, we agree that as a group they're rather stupid"

Oh I love this film! And the quote. Very fitting really!

I'm annoyed and possibly exaggerating the joint flaws of men as a whole due to this but I stand by what I say that I've seen far more men behaving in this way than women (perhaps it's just that more women do it when you aren't listening?!)

I don't actually believe that all men are vile and that women are perfect and I can say I'm as certain as I possibly could be about anything that H would not act the way I experienced today, in a group or not!

OP posts:
mbosnz · 23/07/2019 18:34

I've had it out running - two guys.

I turned around and said, 'I beg your pardon'.

Um, nothing.

No, you said something about my arse, to my back, now be brave and say it to my face. Oh, and by the way, I have nephews older than you. So I could be your mother.

God I was so proud of myself.

TroysMammy · 23/07/2019 18:40

BananasAreTheSource OfEvil Winifred.

beccarocksbaby · 23/07/2019 18:47

This sums my thoughts up on the #notallmen

To think some men are just vile
SuzieQ10 · 23/07/2019 18:58

Men in groups can be so horrible. And intimidating to.

A few years ago as a student I was walking alone, not late possibly 7pm and a big group of lads who were on a well known town pub crawl openly starting giving me number ratings, until they collectively decided I was a "7.5, but 8 from behind". In those few minutes I felt so upset, I can't explain why but I felt awful and even more awful that I stayed silent while they spoke of me in this way so loudly and embarrassed me. It was just one, simple silly incident but remember it clear as day due to how shit it made me feel.

CrumbsCrumbsEverywhere · 23/07/2019 19:11

YANBU in my experience OP. Ive known more utterly vile men than women, and they tend to be more overt about it too. In that position I understand your being scared to say anything however I do not doubt that I would (which could put me in more danger of course ) because I hate it so much when they do that and I'm pretty feisty at times I see it. I'd have probably said 'They're xxx size, I needn't see your dick to know it's small though !' Or a simple 'Would you mind shutting the fuck up?!' Etc.

Having said that my best friend is a man, my favourite person in the worldis a man (the man who trained me, I'm a counsellor) albeit a gay one but a man nonetheless! I know some great men. But it's often difficult for me to not be a misandrist.

newtlover · 23/07/2019 19:11

some men are indeed vile- maybe even many men are vile
but we have to remember those who aren't- because if we think they're all like that it makes it seem inevitable and it isn't
like it says on the relationship board, if you have been used to a grade 10 shit, don't settle for a grade 7 shit.

Bourbonbiccy · 23/07/2019 19:21

I have worked in a predominately male environment in 2 key roles in my career, and I found them to be nothing but respectful to me. We used to have a laugh but they never went too far to embarrass or intimidate me (99% of them, 99% of the time that is)

I have had bitchy, vile women in my teams, who quite frankly, we're just horribly jealous and nasty. I would say out if my roles there have been at least one if these sorts of women in my team at each job.

I have also had women in our SLT that have treated the younger male employees like eye candy and embarrassed them beyond belief.

TeacupRex · 23/07/2019 19:22

Yes, men in groups can be very intimidating when you're on your own. Even teenagers. I was walking my dogs the other day and a group of 4 teenage boys were coming towards me, being very loud and obnoxious. One of them yelled as they walked past "I'm going to rape your dogs!"

RushianDisney · 23/07/2019 19:26

Working as a barmaid for many years I got to see the sides of many people's husbands that they probably never did. A lot of these men appeared to be well educated, in professional jobs, family men etc etc and some of the things they came out with when they assumed no one was listening were shocking and disgusting. Or we'd overhear them telling their wives on the phone that they were stuck at work or some other excuse while propping themselves up at the bar. They'd then come in on Sunday for a roast with their wives and DC and it was like a totally different people, and clearly all an act as the other 5 days of the week they came in after work they were all acting like pigs. Not to mention the numbers of them that would hit on any young female member of staff.

Eustasiavye · 23/07/2019 19:34

I think you are right op.
My teenage dd has already said to me that she can barely leave the house without some man ogling her or making inappropriate comments.
Her step dad we t to meet her the other week and heard 2 older youths talking about her.
When they realised she was with him, he gave them the death stare.

Original poster
ThelmaTurtle · 23/07/2019 20:03

I think the general way of thinking is that women can be nasty but tend to do it behind your back (which is obviously not okay either)

I don't think I've ever seen a woman shout out to their mates at a man as they are walking home from work 'HIS DICK LOOKS MASSIVE'. Someone mentioned they see this type of behaviour on hen dos which to be fair I can absolutely imagine but in every day life I certainly don't think it's common at all for women to act like that.

Like fine, think it. But what makes someone think it's okay to say in hearing distance. I'm sure they think of it as a compliment. But then it's not even the 'complimentary' comments that are said outloud. I've also had critical comments about various things said outloud like a PP mentioned about scoring looks etc... It's honestly so fucking rude and women just don't do it in my experience!

OP posts:
TinklyLittleLaugh · 23/07/2019 22:24

I went on a girls weekend away with three friends once and our young waiter was so utterly gorgeous we all had a bit of a daft giggle about it.

But after literally about three minutes of making quiet saucy comments about him to each other (he definitely didn’t hear), one of us said, “God I’d hate a gang of middle aged women to be talking about my boy like this,” and another one of us said, “Yeah, imagine we were blokes and he was a girl, that would be pretty creepy.”

So we actually caught onto ourselves and self policed really quickly. I don’t think many groups of men do that.

LadyRannaldini · 23/07/2019 22:33

are women just the more pleasant, thoughtful and considerate sex?

Absolutely not. The very worst job I ever had was as a student working with older women in a catalogue warehouse, they were utterly vile to the few young men who worked there. They thought it was very funny to pin a used sanitary towel to the overalls of one lad.

As a teacher I have taught in single sex schools, both all boys and all girls and mixed schools. By far the easiest was all boys, tell a boy off and it's forgotten next day, some girls would remember ever telling off until the day they left.

BeautifulBlaze · 23/07/2019 22:39

I've worked in an all male environment (180 men, 18 female) and I'll be honest the majority are vile! ... The amount that play super happy families & cheat is shocking! ... Also I work closely with a rugby club and when we go on tour the majority of players and management bring women back to the hotel behind their wife's/partners back! Even the ones you least expect!! Sad

NCforthis2019 · 23/07/2019 22:44

some women are vile too. Ive come across some pretty nasty vile women in my line of work.

Isthebigwomanhere · 23/07/2019 22:56

I always call them out on it
A simple " I hope your mother, wife and sister are being spoken to the exact same way and are feeling exactly how you are making me feel "
Then walk off

Yeahnahmum · 23/07/2019 22:56

Sooo all man all vile except for your husband because he would never do such a thing? Hmm

Sure op.
A. Not all man are vile
B. Your H is no angel
C. If you don't like the comments: say something and dont go all "it's intimidating"
Because ' that ladies breast are massive' is not "intimidating". It merely a statement about your appearance.

Stand up for yourself if you think this is so bad
Let them know it is not on!
and also: women can be just as vile
Just maybe not that loud Wink

Original poster
ThelmaTurtle · 23/07/2019 23:08

Yeahnahmum

A. I didn't say all men are vile... I even questioned why some turn out this way and others don't (like H).

B. Its not for you to tell me what I find intimidating and what I don't. Walking home alone down a small road and being heckled by a group of men is something I find intimidating. Hope that's ok with you?

C. The fact that women even have to 'stand up' for themselves in this sort of situation is what is so bad about it. I shouldn't have to tell a grown man that it's wrong. I shouldn't have to go out of my comfort zone and confront a group of men on their behaviour.

OP posts:
DrPeppersPhD · 24/07/2019 00:30

@mbosnz
You are now my hero!
Some men are just vile, which I think the #notallmen invalidates. I'm for the IDEA of pointing out that not all men are hypermasculine, entitled, misogynistic rapests and abusers, because honestly most men aren't, most men I've met are kind, friendly and nothing but respectful, and sometimes it can seem that way, I think it's definitely possible that men are judged negatively just for being men. But, #notallmen now seems to mean "no men", which is plainly untrue, I have been followed by men who continually tried to get my number, had many not take no for an answer, never had any discussing my tits (not that there's much to talk about) but that does happen. So yeah, not all men are like that, but that should never be used to mean none are.
Women, however, can be equally vile, just in different ways. Women will smile to your face and bitch behind your back, ime they're more likely to hold you to double standards and they're more bullies than men are. Sure, I've been bullied by men before, but more often by woman and when I've been bullied by women it's always more hurtful.
And both sexes are worse in groups, think it must be a pack mentality thing.

PushingThru · 24/07/2019 00:42

If every single man vanished tomorrow, I wouldn't miss one of them to be honest.

kamelo · 24/07/2019 01:43

I don't actually think there is a difference, in a group men and women can be horrible in equal measure. The difference being men are usually more overt which I can deal with far easier by confronting it. Women on the other hand are more behind your back nasty, usually whilst smiling to your face, much more difficult to confront that behaviour
I think the bottom line is some people are horrible, not all people just a small minority of them.

Sportsdirectmug · 24/07/2019 02:19

Women can be nasty but I have never been afraid, terrified of women. I avoid any group of men. I am very small and my size seems to provoke them.

Sadiesnakes · 24/07/2019 02:29

Ridiculous people saying men and women are equal when it comes to situations like the op has described.
Just look at the stats for men raping women compared to women raping men.
There is no contest and more often than not there is nothing equal about men and women.

VisibleShantiLine · 24/07/2019 02:43

Both sexes can be utterly vile, but generally in different ways.

But sticking to the issue of men who objectify women like you experienced, I often wonder what is being done at a societal level about it. As several posters have said, not all men are like this but when they are it's disgusting. And designed to intimidate women and make them feel like big men. Not that that makes any sense to us, but it seems to work for the neanderthals. Not acceptable. Yet it continues.

We need to have zero tolerance for dickheads like these in an effort to stamp their behaviour out and generate a cultural shift. This means saying something when they do it. And it also means other men who witness it need to stand up and say something too.