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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU or is my ex? To not want to pack a bag for the kids?

38 replies

Bringbackmeclothes · 23/07/2019 16:53

I’m sick to the back teeth of not getting the clothes back every fucking time he drops the kids off on Sunday night. I pack 2 outfits, pyjamas, socks and knickers. I get back one outfit and that’s it. So I spend all week reminding him to bring the clothes with him, come Friday he comes to the house with no clothes, expecting the kids to be ready and have a bag packed. I’ve just bought new summer clothes for the kids, and I know I’m already missing 2-3 shorts/T-shirt’s and a few dresses/jumpsuits. He lives with his partner, and I know she’s the one who looks after my children. Gets up with them every morning to give them breakfast , bathes, clothes, brushes DDs hair, washes their clothes. I haven’t met his partner yet, but I know all of this because my kids tell me. All he has to do is to just sort their clothes out that’s it, and he can’t even do that. This is one of the main reasons why we split, his laziness.

He’s a good dad in the sense that he loves his kids and wants to see them all the time, they stay at his house every weekend and he pops round once or twice during the week to see them after school. He lives 10 mins from me, but he’s so lazy and unreliable. AIBU to not pack a bag for the kids this weekend?

OP posts:
BlackeyedGruesome · 23/07/2019 16:57

Yanbu. They have clothes at his house.

Gruzinkerbell1 · 23/07/2019 16:59

YANBU. They clearly have clothes there now. Let him wash them. Or his girlfriend.

munemema · 23/07/2019 16:59

Rather than reminding him to bring the clothes back, say, as he's still got last week's they can use those. Early in the week if possible, so that his GF he has time to launder them.

BananasAreTheSourceOfEvil · 23/07/2019 17:00

Stop packing a bag!

Theres no reason why he shouldnt have clothes for them at his house if theyre there that frequently, and if you keep sending them there with two lots of clothes and only get back one, he has enough there already. Just send them in what theyre wearing on the day and he returns them in what theyre wearing the day he drops them back.

Also, if you keep on doing what youre doing...so will he!

Stompythedinosaur · 23/07/2019 17:00

He needs to provide clothing for when he is with them, plus return yours.

Pipandmum · 23/07/2019 17:00

Yes don’t bother they must have plenty at his house.

BeanBag7 · 23/07/2019 17:01

YANBU. You know they have clothes at his house (the ones that havent been returned) o if he questions it you can just say "oh they can wear the PJs they left at your house last week"

I dont really understand his logic for keeping their clothes Confused

AllFourOfThem · 23/07/2019 17:01

I’d stop with the bag. He clearly has loads of clothes at his house so he can keep using them.

Paramicha · 23/07/2019 17:02

Message him and tell him he can't take them naked so he'd better start returning their clothes on time.
If his partner is doing everything, how is he a good dad? He's a shit father.

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 17:02

Do you ever pick up from his house? I would just turn up for a pick up and ask for them back on the doorstep. Once I did this 5 or 6 times I started getting a bag back

Zampa · 23/07/2019 17:03

My DSC have clothes at their Dad's house and clothes at their Mum's house.

It's ridiculous IMO as they have duplicate winter coats, football kits, etc. etc.

However, similarly, clothes we bought were disappearing as soon as we bought them so two of everything had to happen.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2019 17:04

YANBU. He’s not a good dad is he? Of course he loves them but you wouldn’t be a good mum if you didn’t bother to clothe them adequately and then said “oh but I love them”.

We have everything my step kids need here because it’s their second home. Clothes, underwear, pjs, dressing gowns, slippers, shoes, wellies, swimwear, books, toys, tablets, etc etc. We love them and parent them and dressing them appropriately is part of that.

Tell him to buck his ideas up and stop doing things for him.

Nearlyfriyay987654 · 23/07/2019 17:13

I’d stop sending clothes! They’ve got the ones they wear to go in.. clearly he has clean clothes there from the ones you’ve sent before.... so don’t send anymore! Perfectly reasonable

FriarTuck · 23/07/2019 17:20

Why do you need to? They wear one set there, they wear a set home. While they're there they wear the ones they've previously left and which he / his partner will have to wash from now on. There's absolutely no need to send more clothes.

Nurs123Bubbles · 23/07/2019 17:24

Oh God I have the exact same problem! My DD's father must have about 10 outfits that I've bought recently (she's had a growth spurt, thank God for F&F!). And he sends her back in clothes that are old, don't fit properly etc. Including knickers Age 6 (she is 12). So frustrating. She is 12 though, so I've told her she is going to have to be responsible for bringing things back - we're away on hols with friends soon and I have pointed out that we have one pair of shorts that fit her (and I'd bought some lovely ones from Primark and F&F) and it'll be hot and she'll have to wear the same ones for 5 days.

ImMeantToBeWorking · 23/07/2019 17:25

Stop sending clothes if you aren't getting them back. Simple! They have clothes there, tell him as much and send them off. He won't be long finding the clothes!

Nurs123Bubbles · 23/07/2019 17:27

How old are your kids OP? Also, next time you go to pick them up, ask to be able to go through their chest of drawers to find all the missing clothes.. Not sure the gf would like that! And definitely don't pack any bags. If he is complaining about money (and expecting you to buy everything from possible maintenance?!) then point in the direction of Sainsburys.

SunshineCake · 23/07/2019 17:27

Has he still got the clothes?

NoSquirrels · 23/07/2019 17:31

Why would you send MORE clothes? Just tell him you haven't packed a bag because the kids have clothes at his house, and if they're missing something e.g. pyjamas or spare pants he should feel free to pop to the supermarket and buy some.

Jojobears · 23/07/2019 17:34

Don’t send anymore: he’s got enough clothes at his house.

I’d be pissed off that a relative stranger is bathing my kids though (the poor woman probably isn’t a danger to them; don’t want to be accusing her or anything; but seriously?!)

BlueSkiesLies · 23/07/2019 17:36

He’s a good dad

No he isn't. Good dad's actually care for their children in practical ways, of which this man does nothing.

GroggyLegs · 23/07/2019 17:38

If you do what you always did,
You get what you've always got.

Stop!

And yeah, loving your kids is absolute baseline parenting, it does not make him a 'good dad'

DonkeyCat · 23/07/2019 17:47

My Ex has DD for 24 hours EOW. I sent clothes with her originally but now she goes in an outfit of "mine" on Saturday and then he puts her in one of "his" outfits and sends her home Sunday he washes what she wore Saturday so it eventually comes home.

I never send very important or loved items in case we never see them again, and the one thing I provide for both homes is shoes.

Original poster
Bringbackmeclothes · 23/07/2019 17:47

My dcs are 7, 5 and 3. I've been with this man for 9 years, he's never changed a nappy, bathed his children or got up at night to feed them. That was all down to me, so this is why he's an ex.

I pack a bag because he always takes them out to his mums house for BBQs or his partners family, or just a day out on their own. So I want my children to have nice clean clothes.

There was a time during a day out DS3 wet himself, and that's when he was 'forced' to buy new trousers for him which he did.

But I'm sick and tired of it, come Friday they're going in what they're wearing and that's that. I'm not packing a bag.

I’d be pissed off that a relative stranger is bathing my kids though (the poor woman probably isn’t a danger to them; don’t want to be accusing her or anything; but seriously?!)*

I've never thought of it this way? But to be honest, I'm just glad he's with someone who looks after my children. Could be worse.

OP posts:
Original poster
Bringbackmeclothes · 23/07/2019 17:50

He picks and drops them off in his car.

OP posts:
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