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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Wedding gifts / list etc

36 replies

Owlsintowels · 23/07/2019 15:59

Not a TAAT but just interested in views

I'm getting married in a year. I'm late married compared to many of my friends, first wedding for me and the groom

We're pretty comfortably off, though our mortgage is big and we don't have many indulgences. Buy organic food but go on UK / camping holidays, no extravagant clothes purchases etc. Money in the bank and fairly secure but not exactly living the life of a millionaire

I've been to many weddings in the last 10 years. Generally give presents / cash to the value of £80-£200 depending on how close the friend is, whether they've put on a free bar etc.

For our wedding we don't want a gift list, our assortment of Ikea / John Lewis / charity shop houseware is perfectly adequate and will be replaced piece by piece over the next 20 years as things break, we redecorate, we pick up a new jug on holiday or whatever

I don't want to put a poem in the invite asking for cash

What I'd really like is to not mention gifts at all, and people magically translate this as 'do what you feel happiest doing, but if you're at all unsure then cash is probably safest, though if you're a bit skint feel free to buy us a cheap bottle of wine instead'

I will be honest and say on one hand I'm aware I've probably spent near £2000 on presents for friends weddings over the last decade, so to get zero back would feel a bit unfair. However I'm in a lucky position and don't 'need' the money for a honeymoon etc, and I don't feel comfortable asking for it. Should I just say nothing and give a vague answer to anyone who asks?

In my situation what is the best thing to do?

OP posts:
StoneofDestiny · 23/07/2019 16:31

Don't mention gifts at all. I wish everybody would do this. People will then give you what they can manage - and will ask you if they want suggestions.

Howlovely · 23/07/2019 16:37

Yes I think if no gift list is provided then it is assumed that money would be the best option. If anyone is unsure they can ask you/your parents. Generally people do want to give a gift of some sort and while I understand that some people have a problem with giving/requesting cash I think it really is very common and for the best these days. Have a lovely wedding!

LostInNorfolk · 23/07/2019 16:39

Do you have children?

TabbyMumz · 23/07/2019 16:42

Don't mention gifts, I've always thought it rude to give people a wedding list.

TemporaryPermanent · 23/07/2019 16:54

Don't mention gifts. You will get asked so have a couple of thoughts in mind (plants for a garden? bottle of wine?) But it's very classy not to ask.

Pipandmum · 23/07/2019 16:59

But what you’ll get is more stuff you don’t want or need! I don’t think people will automatically think cash if there’s no list. You could put a ‘No gifts please’ at the bottom of your invite/rsvp card.

TeenTimesTwo · 23/07/2019 17:01

Don't say anything, but when people ask you give them specific ideas, it is so unhelpful otherwise.

There's nothing we really need, but if you really wanted to then a bottle of wine or Prezzo/Ikea/John Lewis/Cinema/theatre/... vouchers would be lovely.

mindutopia · 23/07/2019 17:04

I would just say nothing. I would always assume that means a card and cash (which personally I much prefer to buying people casserole dishes).

Norma27 · 23/07/2019 17:06

We never mentioned gifts at our wedding. Our wedding was tiny (20 people)and most people only had invitesto the evening party (about 200) but we were amazed by the generosity in gifts given. Mostly money which we would never have expected.

AnneLovesGilbert · 23/07/2019 17:14

Do you drink champagne?

We had a tiny family only wedding followed by a small picnic for friends a couple of weeks later which wasn’t at all a wedding/fake wedding and it didn’t occur to us anyone would bring gifts. We ended the day without about 12 bottles of champagne, which I don’t drink Shock We also got some lovely but rather random gifts Grin Though a coffee subscription which started a month after our wedding was inspired and much appreciated.

People will want to give you presents and will probably ask so have some ideas ready if you don’t want them to get a headache trying to decide what to choose or risk napkin rings and toasters. Having said that, I need a new toaster so if you get one and don’t want it please send it my way.

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 23/07/2019 17:18

I didn't mention gifts and said, honestly, when asked that I didn't want anything. All the guests gave us cash, but it was a small wedding so a small data set.

Asdfghjklll · 23/07/2019 17:18

If anyone asks then give them a direct answer surely! We don't need anything so a token present or cash towards the household be nice.

Rainonmyguitar · 23/07/2019 18:21

You don't have to mention gifts at all. Most people now just give money for wedding presents.

stucknoue · 23/07/2019 18:32

Don't mention gifts, if people want to buy something and ask you can suggest John Lewis vouchers (you can spend them in Waitrose) otherwise just wait and see.

RuLu · 23/07/2019 18:36

We didn't have a gift list as I was uncomfortable asking for anything. People knew we were moving so some gave us money, others DIY store vouchers, some wine/champagne, some a card & some nothing at all. We weren't fussed! We had an amazing day & so did everyone else. We provided all the food & drink so some people were very generous as knew they wouldn't be spending anything apart from transport costs

Namelessinseattle · 23/07/2019 18:41

We didn’t say anything and anyone hat asked we said cash would be ideal. But some of my parents friends would rather give gifts so we got a department store to do a registry - they way they worked it was that when we came back after the wedding they gave us a voucher to the value of the what was selected off the list and we could buy from the list or anything else we wanted. See if anywhere does that? You could spend it on a couch or make up or designer shoes.....

ExplodingCarrots · 23/07/2019 18:47

In your situation I wouldn't mention gifts at all. For our wedding we wrote a piece on our wedding website saying 'after 11 years together , a home and a child, we already have everything we need. All we ask on the day is the pleasure of your company' (probably said a lot better than that Smile). We ended up with some lovely bottles of fizz, some homemade gifts , $ for our honeymoon and cash which we also spent on our honeymoon. All unexpected but very grateful for. I know the people who got us gifts gave them because they wanted to not because they were forced to.

boredboredboredboredbored · 23/07/2019 19:15

My dp and I are getting married in 6 months. Second marriage for both of us. Not mentioning gifts at all, neither of us expect anything. My parents are giving us money towards the wedding that will free a bit of cash for the honeymoon.

I do not think it's crass though to ask for money if people ask you what you'd like.

StripeySocks29 · 23/07/2019 19:17

Personally, if gifts aren’t mentioned at all then I give cash and am very happy to do so, but if there’s a wanky poem (read: begging letter) then I give a bottle of champagne, because those wanky poems get my back right up. I know, I know, it makes no sense and people should be able to ask for what they want but I hate them.

Perhaps get the best man/MOH to drop into conversation with mutual friends that cash would be the most appropriate gift?

boredboredboredboredbored · 23/07/2019 19:18

I also suspect people will want to get a gift like you would at any other occasion, birthday party, christening, anniversary etc. I'm not sure just why weddings are sooooo frowned upon by many here. It's quite surprising really as most people in rl seem to love weddings or are they just pretending Confused

AwfulMum123 · 23/07/2019 19:23

We were in a similar situation to you when we got married OP. Mentioned nothing about gifts on the invitation and mainly got cash and vouchers but some other lovely gifts too. I really like that we were given a) what people wanted to give us b) what they could afford (which was just a card in a couple of cases) No regrets here.

teachermam · 23/07/2019 19:30

In Ireland now it's pretty standard just to give money so no preferences have to be made
You get the odd gift but mainly money
I always give money usually €150/€200

Normandy144 · 23/07/2019 19:34

We were in a similar situation, getting married in our late thirties /early forties. We didn't mention anything about gifts, no poem or list etc. A few people asked either us or our parents and we said cash or vouchers would be lovely but no obligation. I'd say we got 90% cash or vouchers (mostly cash though) and then the rest ranged from some experience vouchers, booze, hampers and photo frames.
Most people know of the unspoken etiquette.

daisy2609 · 23/07/2019 19:49

Is there a charity close to your hearts at all? You could maybe say you have no need for "gifts" but if guests would like to they could make a donation to x charity. You don't have to give any amounts and then people could donate as much or little as they liked and that might make both you and guests feel less awkward!

AnotherEm · 23/07/2019 19:53

We’re like you - we didn’t mention gifts but knew that lots of family friends would want to give us something. So we told our parents that if people ask and don’t know what to get us, John Lewis vouchers would be gratefully received.
I think people find it helpful to have some guidance as it takes the thinking away from them!

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