Wedding gifts / list etc

[Owlsintowels]

Not a TAAT but just interested in views

I'm getting married in a year. I'm late married compared to many of my friends, first wedding for me and the groom

We're pretty comfortably off, though our mortgage is big and we don't have many indulgences. Buy organic food but go on UK / camping holidays, no extravagant clothes purchases etc. Money in the bank and fairly secure but not exactly living the life of a millionaire

I've been to many weddings in the last 10 years. Generally give presents / cash to the value of £80-£200 depending on how close the friend is, whether they've put on a free bar etc.

For our wedding we don't want a gift list, our assortment of Ikea / John Lewis / charity shop houseware is perfectly adequate and will be replaced piece by piece over the next 20 years as things break, we redecorate, we pick up a new jug on holiday or whatever

I don't want to put a poem in the invite asking for cash

What I'd really like is to not mention gifts at all, and people magically translate this as 'do what you feel happiest doing, but if you're at all unsure then cash is probably safest, though if you're a bit skint feel free to buy us a cheap bottle of wine instead'

I will be honest and say on one hand I'm aware I've probably spent near £2000 on presents for friends weddings over the last decade, so to get zero back would feel a bit unfair. However I'm in a lucky position and don't 'need' the money for a honeymoon etc, and I don't feel comfortable asking for it. Should I just say nothing and give a vague answer to anyone who asks?

In my situation what is the best thing to do?

I got married last week, we don’t need anything and we cared about the people who came not gift. We didn’t ask for anything and had no expectations, we got a mixture of cash, champagne, photo frames, posh glasses, nice candles etc.
We had a fantastic day, incidentally we did have a free bar and arranged the accommodation for those that needed so made it clear we were not expecting the day to cost anyone apart from petrol to get there.

I’ve never been to a wedding with a gift list or a poem or requests for anything. I always give cash when we got married everyone gave us cash. Don’t over think it but I do think people are right, you need a few small gift ideas for if anyone asks what you want or doesn’t want to give money.

You can't have it both ways! You'll either come across as a bit cheeky, or you'll feel short-changed... which is worse to you?

If having cash gifts is important to you then just grow some balls and ask for it, or at least suggest it, eg. "Please don't buy us gifts as we already have everything we need, however if you want to donate to our future together it would be very much appreciated."

Or if this seems too cheeky then don't ask for anything, but then you can expect plenty of people to not give anything or to buy you shit presents you'll never use.

I like the consensus of not mentioning anything but having a prepared answer when asked.
I think we would be happy with just presence from people who have travelled far, not high earners etc.

It might stick a little if some of our closer friends who we gave £150-£200 to didn't give us anything purely because we didn't ask, but I guess we'd learn something about them then!

I also like the advice not to over think it

Saying nothing is very classy, and likely to result in many friends slipping you a cheque.

It is also likely to result in many friends buying you a gift of your choice!

My friend's invite said nothing so I bought her a black matt finish le creuse dish, because she loves fancy cookware and i know she was pleased as punch with her other (black) le creuse items. I also included a gift receipt so she could swap it for knives or a decanter or whatever.

But some people may decide the lime green vase is very striking!

*a gift not of you choice

If an invite says cash or honeymoon fund please etc then that's what I give, it's not for me to go against the couple's politely expressed wishes.

And if its a gift list I buy something off it or if was only spoons left I might buy the couple gift vouchers for the relevant shop so they can complete their dinner service etc.

But if it doesn't stipulate I will buy a gift but only if I am very confident i know what I'm doing (see above) and I'd always include the receipt for an exchange.

I'd much rather a couple had a physical item referable to us. It's also why I wouldn't buy a toaster, it will inevitably break!

I went to a wedding last week; close friend of mine; no mention of wedding presents on the invitation. I asked her in person - again she said she didn't want or expect presents, she just wanted us to be at the wedding.

I gave cash in the card; as a) they already live together and have home stuff and b) they'd already booked and paid for their honeymoon so the cash can be used for whatever they want and c) they didn't send some tacky begging poem

We didn't mention anything about gifts and both had telephone calls from our respective pearl clutching mothers saying, "but people keep asking me about gifts! What do I tell them?!". In the end I put a paragraph on the wedding website (not as ridic as it sounds- it was free to set up and included mostly travel info for DH's side who were flying to be there) saying we were just grateful for everyone coming but if they wanted to give us a gift we were planning our honeymoon, and would greatly appreciate money to put towards that. No poetry was harmed in the making of that request.

Some guests were very generous, others gave nothing- but as they had generally travelled and paid quite a lot to attend it's not like there's a black mark against their name or anything. A few did ignore the request and buy us champers or art (including a bridesmaid who did the honeymoon £ request herself the following year!) which was a bit strange- it's such a personal thing I'd never try to pick something like that for a couple. Neither was to our taste and one of the pictures was about £200.

I thought it very crass to put in a gift list or a poem etc, we didn't mention gifts at all, although did set up a John Lewis list in case people asked, technically you are supposed to ask the mother of the bride for ideas/ a list etc! What happened was most people, without knowing there was a a gift list bought John Lewis vouchers. We had a voucher for hot air ballooning too. We were astounded at how generous our friends were, as we didn't need anything.

Been to a couple with said poems and have felt their a bit rude and grabby. When we finally get around to getting married we too have everything we need so will just leave it up to people to do as they wish. I may put that what we would appreciate most is their time but I would leave out about gifts or money so people do not feel obligated.