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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to hate the way WhatsApp group messages reveal my number & is impossible to leave a group w/out everyone knowing about it?

37 replies

anyhoozle · 23/07/2019 14:37

What's made me focus on this is getting my 11 yo DD her first phone and we're going to have to say yes to WhatsApp as that's what all her year will be using to meet up etc Hmm

My particular bugbears with it are fact that she will be joined into massive group chats even if we/she doesn't want to be & it's difficult enough as an adult to opt out of them w/out looking anti-social/passive aggressive 'Soandso has left' let alone an 11yo wanting to make new friends!

Also fact that her number will be visible on these group chats outside her contacts. Can someone explain how it is I can see who others are in group chats who haven't signed their name & aren't in my list of contacts? Is there any way to change that for our DD and me for that matter?

I want to start a campaign to pressure FB/WA to change these things (Insta have just done a couple of good modifications recently). In the interests of research have you had any bad experiences with either of the above &/or are there other major things you'd like WA to change? Lastly is there a better thread I should move this to I'm a MN newbie, TIA Smile

OP posts:
MTBMummy · 23/07/2019 14:49

Please be aware that the age limit to use WhatsApp is 16.

Anyone under 13 found to be using it could have their devices seized (where as 13-15 year olds just need parental consent)

As someone who works in InfoSec and sees the dark and horrible side of these services on a regular basis I would fight for as long as possible to keep my child off them (DD is almost 10)

Nixee2231 · 23/07/2019 14:49

Some good-ish news for you

recededpronunciation · 23/07/2019 15:00

Lots of the Y7 kids at my youngest’s school use WhatsApp. It’s been a bit of a nightmare with some kids adding others to groups, other kids kicking them out etc. Endless messages at all times of day. Because of seeing what this was like for a friend, mine decided not to bother with it. She can still text her friends outside WhatsApp and they still manage to arrange meet ups etc. It’s just meant she’s avoided the onslaught and politics. School keeps on sending out reminders that they shouldn’t have whatsapp at that age.

IsobelRae23 · 23/07/2019 15:05

If you want your child to use an app intended for those over 16, then those are the problems you will encounter.

HypatiaCade · 23/07/2019 15:16

Device seized? Who the hell by? Using an app against the guidelines is a civil matter, not criminal. You can't just 'seize' someone's phone.

notmylittleangel · 23/07/2019 15:17

My yr7 doesn't have WhatsApp and is my missing out, she knows that she can ask for any app she wants and if she can justify the reason have it.
She's happy just messaging. Only people she wants too have her number do, she asked them not to pass her number in without asking her first.
Bit an issue
Please don't get sucked into the myth that a) everyone has (insert app)
b) they will be bullied/left out because they don't have it.

Rufusthebewilderedreindeer · 23/07/2019 15:18

Yanbu

I hate it

I desperately want to leave a group but the person who set it up will be able to see and i dont want to upset them

I say desperately...slight exaggeration

Nesssie · 23/07/2019 15:19

Rather than leave the group, she can always permanently mute it and then archive the conversation to hide it from her list?

endofacentury · 23/07/2019 15:26

My daughter and all her friends use Snapchat only to communicate and have group chats on it. No need to share phone numbers with anyone just a username

lmusic87 · 23/07/2019 15:26

I would not have a child on whats app, anything can be said on there and pre-teen emotions are a rollercoaster as it is.

IfNot · 23/07/2019 15:38

Snapchat is worse-it shows your location.
There's no reason to let an 11 year okd have Whatsapp. Say no.

IfNot · 23/07/2019 15:39

And yeah the group chats are a minefield at that age. Just avoid.

Original poster
anyhoozle · 23/07/2019 15:52

Thanks for your replies Nixee2231 that does sound encouraging if they get round to it, but for some Group chats will still be difficult to resist the social pressure to not appear rude by declining. In addition to that I'd like to see them offer a way of opting out which isn't broadcast to everyone in a message, only by looking at the list. Also the admin person wouldn't have option to re-add the person like they currently do!

Receded pronunciation that could well be the way forward we could delay by half a term and then she can decide whether to get the app or not. She's quite mature for her age and so far doesn't seem to feel the need to reply to her emails and we've chatted about the 'drama' her words, that her Y6 girls Whatsapp group have been engaged in that we didn't allow her to join.

Thanks Nesssie I'll be doing that from now on! & when/if DD gets one I'll get her to do same for all the chats over a certain volume then we could look at it together.

I do realise that it's got a 16+ rating MTBMummy but in reality everyone uses it earlier & I'd rather she learns about all this tech gradually & she sees we credit her with being able to navigate it sensibly and whilst she's still openly asking us questions than suddenly give her access to stuff later on & inadvertently give her an alarmist view of something that can be useful.

OP posts:
TwistyTop · 23/07/2019 16:07

Honestly I'd just say no to this. Tell her she can have WhatsApp when she's a bit older.

I don't consider myself to be particularly strict at all but I'd put my foot down here. Sounds like it will cause so much drama at such an emotionally immature age.

Also I'd be concerned from a security perspective, as you've already mentioned here. You don't want your DD's phone number to be "out there". That could end very badly.

endofacentury · 23/07/2019 16:20

@IfNot you can turn location off on snapchat. It is not worse

IfNot · 23/07/2019 16:26

I'm sorry to say but so many parents are shockingly naive about children and social media. However sensible they are, they are kids, and they really don't get it. Anyone can add anyone to a group. That whole group then has the number of every group member, and all the info about what that group is up to. Kids can share photos, links and real time locations.
It's a myth that if you restrict stuff like this then teens will suddenly go mental with it when they do get it. 11 year olds do not really have much of a sense of the far reaching implications these apps have. Sometimes we have to be the grown ups.

IfNot · 23/07/2019 16:27

Yes but they don't endof

endofacentury · 23/07/2019 17:02

Put as a parent managing my teens phone I make sure location is off. That's what I'm suggesting can be done. As clearly 11 year olds can't keep themselves safe online without support

Original poster
anyhoozle · 23/07/2019 17:03

Just want to check again is there a way I can hide my name to anyone outside my group of contacts in Group chats? ie so just my number comes up if I reply to a group chat and is read by someone who doesn't know me?

OP posts:
PookieDo · 23/07/2019 17:07

Is it any consolation that most teenagers don’t use WA and use IG and Snapchat?

Mine are nearly 15 and nearly 17 and didn’t want WA for more than about 1 term once I granted them permission to have social media and neither have it anymore at all

The issue you will encounter is that all parents allow apps at different times so all of a sudden DD will not want WA anymore as no one is using it and will start whining on you to get something else and it just goes round and round!

Mine did not have iPhones until 13 (had snazzy Samsung’s controlled by me) and I control all their apps/iCloud now. DD2 can’t download anything without asking me first anyway

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 17:08

Just say no to WA I should have added really. If it’s iPhone she will still have iMessage and they can do groups

If not it’s texting only!

PookieDo · 23/07/2019 17:11

@anyhoozle

I honestly don’t think you can hide yourself. Your whole profile is based upon your phone number. I can see anyone in my contact list who has WA they will import into my WA contact list.

Even if DD doesn’t import her contacts in they can still see her if they do. They just can click on the group and get her no from the list. You can go around blocking people, I suppose the only way is to tell her who she should block ie anyone she doesn’t really know and show her how

RainOrSun · 23/07/2019 17:15

WhatsApp only uses the name and image you use (unless your contact details are in the recipients phone).
So, when setting up WhatsApp, and it asks for your name, leave it blank, or use a ~ sort of entry. Ditto for the photo- dont use anything identifiable. Doesn't stop your number being shared, but does prevent others knowing who it is.

coconuttelegraph · 23/07/2019 17:17

That's easy to say pookiedo but if all the groups are already set up on whatsapp they aren't going to move to another method because one child doesn't use it and those who don't have iphones are obviously goig to stick to whatsapp