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Original poster

Pregnant and found out my husband is cheating?

43 replies

Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 10:44

I picked up my husbands phone last night and saw he had text messages from his ex. I opened them and I know I shouldn't have - basically telling her if he 'had his time again' and how great she is looking.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child. I'm beyond devastated. I don't know what to do Sad

He's apologised, says it's stupid, was an outlet - we've been under a lot of stress with things going on. The messages weren't innocent and very flirty but I just feel so betrayed.

He said he really messed her up and was trying to make her feel better - she even referenced that he was married and she said but she would be interested in going back there if he was single. I don't think he would have met her or anything would have happened but I don't know what to do. I obviously confronted him... he is now devastated and I'm threatening divorce.

OP posts:
TheChain · 23/07/2019 10:46

What a prick.
Do you believe him that nothing happened? Do you want to forgive him?

Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 10:48

I can see from the messages nothing happened and it's been a while that they had spoken. I don't want to leave my husband and be a single mum. I love him so much it hurts, I just can't believe he would do this to me.

OP posts:
CuriousaboutSamphire · 23/07/2019 10:48

Deep breath. I know what the likely responses here will be but what do YOU want to do, to happen next?

Rant away here, get as angry as you need... I hope it helps you to work through his betrayal of you, to make decisions for your own wel being, best interests.

Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 10:49

She also contacted him and seems to know he's married and I'm pregnant. Why do women do that? :(

OP posts:
Brefugee · 23/07/2019 10:51

if he messed her up and she now feels she's looking great and over him she might want to have shown him that? (shitty nevertheless)

PocaNinja · 23/07/2019 10:58

@Polly7805 sorry this has happened, and you certainly don’t deserve it. However the question you should be asking is why did you husband do that knowing you are pregnant and that he’s married? The other woman who is a stranger has no loyalty to you, your husband is the one who knows you and yet he has still done it.

Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 10:59

@PocaNinja I know, horrendous. I don't know what to do or why he would do this to me Sad

OP posts:
wineandroses1 · 23/07/2019 11:06

What a horrible thing for him to do. In your shoes I’d be asking him to leave for a while to give me some space to think. And I’d also point out that if he uses that time to make contact again with his Ex, then he needn’t bother coming back.

birdonawire1 · 23/07/2019 11:14

Did he leave her for you or cheated on her with you? Maybe he feels guilty about that and is trying to make her feel better about herself after what he did to her? He does sounds as though he is feeling guilty about something

Duchessgummybuns · 23/07/2019 11:21

Is he actually sorry or just sorry he got caught?

If he was so concerned with how he messed her up, he hasn’t really shown much concern to his pregnant wife’s feelings.

I’ve literally been there OP.

Buddytheelf85 · 23/07/2019 11:23

Just before I post I am absolutely NOT trying to excuse his behaviour, I’d be utterly devastated if I were in your shoes.

But, at the same time, I think you have to ask yourself what to do for the best. Nothing’s happened between them. It’s a series of flirty texts. I’m not minimising it - it’s totally unacceptable. But he hasn’t had a long protracted affair. And you don’t think he would have done anything.

Flirting by text with an ex is exciting and it also gives people some validation. I know because I’ve done it. I was in a relationship with my now DH but I was really struggling with self-esteem at the time and I made contact with an ex. He told me I looked good etc, we flirted a lot. I got a temporary ego boost from it. I look back and feel utterly ashamed of myself. I put my relationship with my lovely DH at risk just for a bit of ego-stroking via text. Unlike this situation, my now DH never found out.

You’re pregnant, you love him deeply and you don’t want to leave him. You say he’s devastated too. So I think - if you can - you have to try to move past it. I know that’s much easier typed anonymously on the internet than it is in real life.

Scorpiovenus · 23/07/2019 11:24

Yea something happened

Also it is not wrong to look at someones phone. If you feel the need to look then you already know something is amiss.

ConkerGame · 23/07/2019 11:29

God OP, you poor thing, how completely shit of him.

If I were you I’d ask him to leave for a few days so you can get your thoughts together. This should:
A) actually help you to get your thoughts together
B) scare him into never doing anything like this again
C) give you the chance to see how he responds afterwards - if he’s apologising and broken then you know he’s truly sorry. If he’s minimising/ deflecting/ putting blame on you /still in contact with her etc then it will be very clear he’s no good and will have to go.

Pinktinker · 23/07/2019 11:35

My DH’s ex tried to contact him when we first got together, I think she was seeking some sort of ego boost thinking he’d still be into her even though he had a girlfriend. He didn’t bite though, showed me the message she sent and also showed he didn’t respond and had blocked her.

Your DH had the same choice and knowing he has a pregnant wife should have done that. He’s behaved disgracefully and it will be difficult to forgive this.

I doubt anything has happened by the sounds of the messages but it’s whether you think it would have done had you not found out. It will be enormously difficult to trust him now.

PocaNinja · 23/07/2019 11:48

You’re 7 months pregnant. You need to put you and the baby first so do whatever you need to in order to do that. If that means he stays and you don’t discuss it until after the birth and when you are physically and mentally ready. If you need a little space then ask him to leave for a bit or if you prefer to can you stay with family?

Bottom line is you have other priorities right now.

WhenPushComesToShove · 23/07/2019 11:53

Oh God; what an absolute cock! How will you trust him now: When you have given birth, are nursing, tired and not back in shape for a while. He has ruined this special time for you. What a complete arsehole! Turf him out and make him 'earn' his way back in by working to regain your trust in the relationship.

Somuchcheating · 23/07/2019 11:54

Leave. It will only get worse.

Juells · 23/07/2019 12:03

I don't know why you'd say "I opened them and I know I shouldn't have". Of course you should have. Anyone would. Pregnancy and new baby are the times when some partners feel life is unfair, and they should be having fun.

Don't do anything drastic though. Sounds like he was just mouthing off to a sympathetic ear.

Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 12:26

No, he was with her in 2011, we met in 2013. I think he led her on and strung her about.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 12:27

These are all such helpful messages. Thank you. I think giving him a fright is the best way forward? I don't want to be alone with a baby. Our marriage has been so wonderful, I'm just so shocked. I haven't stopped crying since this morning.

OP posts:
Original poster
Polly7805 · 23/07/2019 12:30

He is saying it's his confidence and stress - it was an outlet. I'm so betrayed. I don't know why I would deserve this. He is allowed to do whatever he wants and I never stand in the way. We have such a give and take marriage - I never saw this coming

OP posts:
kateandme · 23/07/2019 12:30

why do people say stress and hard times means its ok to have affair or use it as some kind of lame excuse!we all have shit times.its never ok to do this type of stuff.

kateandme · 23/07/2019 12:44

i know you dont want to be single and alone with the baby.but do you want to be with him.if you didnt have the baby would you feel different.staying with someone through fear of being alone and not coping might make you more miserable in the end if you cant trsut him or he continue to do worse.(not always i know)
its such a hard one and im sorry your going through this.you must feel so exhausted with all the emotions right now.give yourslf time.and rest.let it come and go as it will.take this all at YOUR speed.

kateandme · 23/07/2019 12:45

then he is sitll not taking the blame for being a betraying shit.that is all there is to it.he is still using an excuse as if there can be one!
its not an outlet of stress to cheat or be emotioanlly that way towards another woman.

MushySeas · 23/07/2019 12:55

I've been there, OP.

I'm so sorry you're going through this. They never change - for me, it would end the marriage.

What happens the next time he's stresse or has low confidence, or whatever dumb excuse he's hoping you'll swallow? What a selfish prick. He knew what he was doing. He chose to keep texting.

If you forgive him this, he will do it again.

When the trust is gone, there's nothing.

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