Pregnant and found out my husband is cheating?

[Polly7805]

I picked up my husbands phone last night and saw he had text messages from his ex. I opened them and I know I shouldn't have - basically telling her if he 'had his time again' and how great she is looking.

I'm 7 months pregnant with our first child. I'm beyond devastated. I don't know what to do

He's apologised, says it's stupid, was an outlet - we've been under a lot of stress with things going on. The messages weren't innocent and very flirty but I just feel so betrayed.

He said he really messed her up and was trying to make her feel better - she even referenced that he was married and she said but she would be interested in going back there if he was single. I don't think he would have met her or anything would have happened but I don't know what to do. I obviously confronted him... he is now devastated and I'm threatening divorce.

OP, I’m sorry you’re having to deal with this at a time that should be full of joy looking forward to meeting your baby.
I’m not excusing your DH for a minute- his behaviour was disgraceful - but I wonder if underlying it was the immature male thing of being frightened of impending parenthood and domesticity, of harking back to being young, single and dating, of fearing getting old and boring, of “is this it”?
I think some (many?) men never fully grow up, or take a long time to get there, compared with us women, who have to cope with pregnancy, birth and the lion’s share of parenting.
It’s depressing, but perhaps unsurprising, that a significant minority of men cheat when their wives are pregnant.
How do you want to tackle this? Only you can decide whether it’s possible for you to forgive the blighter, and what he would have to do to earn that forgiveness.
You need a searingly honest heart to heart discussion with him, he needs to realise just how badly he has hurt you, and he needs to realise that trust and respect will have to be slowly earned back - he can’t ask you to just forget this and carry on as normal.
Take whatever time and space you need to come to terms with your feelings, OP, and then sit him down for the talk. My best wishes for whichever outcome will be best for you. God bless.

This actually happened to me, except I didn't discover the messages until a good 18 months after they were sent. He did stop the messaging of his own accord and had been a great husband since, to my knowledge. He had basically freaked out about the pregnancy and messaged an old girlfriend, she was married at the time.
He has earned my trust again but there will always be that niggle there, that I hate. I'd give him a scare that he could lose you, But only time will tell if you can actually still be with him

Hi OP

If you do decide to give him another chance, first I'd be asking him to have a think about how hes going to deal with stress in the future, how hes going to get back and keep your trust going forward.

For example going to some sort of therapy to cope better with all the stress he is under, checking in with you on nights out or work trips, giving you passwords to everything, letting you openly look through his phone, understanding that you may well be paranoid and over react for a while.

As having a baby can push a lot of couples apart in the early years, you wont have as much quality time together etc and it can change the dynamic a lot, so I'd get him especially to think about how he is going to cope with stress and pressure in the future if he is still maintaining this is the main reason as that's about to increase 10fold

Good luck

Have you no standards op.

Don't be such a mug.

@Polly7805

I think you need to ask yourself if there is anything in your marriage which made your husband feel he needs to get excitement and comfort outside the marriage.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, it is disgusting but a happy husband who gets all the emotional and sexual needs he has met at home will not go looking elsewhere. At the same time, the temptation is everywhere. My husbands always say that there will always be other people trying to tempt him or me but it is about us being strong and committed to each other and not allowing that temptation to get in.

My fear is that if you ask him to leave, even for a short while, then you are only pushing him into his arms so he goes and does something stupid for real and then you do not have a husband who has sent some texts but a cheating husband. You really need to re-build trust and it will take him, you need to do a whole of talking, yelling and getting this out of your system but you guys need to communicate and work out why he did this, not that he is sorry but why did he do this?

I know you are pregnant and pregnancy can be tough and it is now your husband should support you more but do not make any quick decisions and just take time for yourself to heal.

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, it is disgusting but a happy husband who gets all the emotional and sexual needs he has met at home will not go looking elsewhere

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha

Victim blaming much?

I'm so sorry OP, how awful for you.

Don't stay with him op
Raise your bar about 6ft higher

Sorry, but unless I 've missed something I wouldnt call what he has done "cheating". I wouldnt even call it an EA. He's been texting an ex -we all have them - and he probably knows her as well as you. I agree it was wrong & he is a complete arse, but not something worth splitting up over.

You need a good chat - look at setting boundaries for you both & agreement that you can both check each others phones. I dont condone cheating at all & would dump someone if they did.......just feel this isn't as bad as dome people are making out

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, it is disgusting but a happy husband who gets all the emotional and sexual needs he has met at home will not go looking elsewhere

Are you for real? Of course they do, as do women, thrill of the unknown, sex al attraction, fear of missing out, grass is greener. I'll stop with the clichés, but oh boy, victim blaming at its finest. Poor bloke is an expectant father so let's give him license to kill? No effing way.

Flirty texts aren’t cheating for most people.

The relationship doesn’t bode well if you check his text messages and he is texting his ex in that manner.

Flirty texts aren’t cheating for most people.

I think that's wishful thinking, sadly.

Nothing has probably happened and maybe he was harking back to his old life and had not treated her good and as the situation stands from the information you have given all is not lost, but I would give him an awful wake-up call and make him go away for a few days, with the expressed intention that you are ending it, even if you aren't. Make him grovel.

Are you feeling better today OP?

Feeling much better, lots of changes going to happen and hopefully we can turn it into a positive.

Still hurting and devastated tho

I am not excusing his behaviour at all, it is disgusting but a happy husband who gets all the emotional and sexual needs he has met at home will not go looking elsewhere'*
*
Wtf??

Free spirit I know no one is qualified in here to give advice but what you said is awful!
Your telling OP to hang on to him in case he runs off with someone else.

OP I really feel for you I'm so sorry that's really shit. Your email got to let him go away for a few days clear your head let him think he can't use stress and lack of confidence as an excuse those are abundant when a baby comes asking then what?
You take your time and it could very well be all a load of nonsense and he is feeling very stupid and evil about it but that's even more reason to let him sweat and take some time alone so he knows how serious this is.
Good luck be strong you can do this.

Freespirit24

Good one 😂