Family disputes

[MonroeM]

Hello all. This is my first post on this site as I just registered a few days ago but felt the need to ask if anyone here has experienced a deep family rift which seems too far gone to be fixed. I never believed this could happen in my own family and am still in shock as it is fairly recent and the disgust and hurt is still strong and not looking to fade any time soon.

I will not at this point divulge the details which instigated this rift but in a nutshell there are two family members who have been so disloyal and underhand and caused such upset to both myself and a sister. It has come as a massive shock to us to be treated this way and before anyone suggests that life is too short to let rifts go on I can only say that in my own view life is too bloody short to play dirty tricks on those you profess to love.

This is not about affairs or cheating partners. Sorry to be so vague but I can not at this time bring myself to trawl out the whole sorry tale. In the past we have had fall outs and stopped speaking for a while but always managed to get reasonably back on track. However this current situation is just far too big and serious and two of us who are affected are absolutely crushed and hurt that we have been made such fools of in this way.

The individuals who have caused this awful rift are just refusing to acknowledge any blame or even talk about the situation. What makes it worse is that these people are not only telling lies but spreading them to others which is now filtering back to us.

I realise that my post may sound confusing and enigmatic but if I started from the beginning to explain more clearly then I would be typing all night! I have met people who stated they had not talked to a brother/sister etc for 20 years and thought how on earth can that happen in a family but sadly I can now see that some situations can not be resolved at all.

Thank you for reading.

Happened in my family too.....my sister and I didn’t speak for 4yrs despite living down the road from each other!
We have recently reconciled, through life events, I firmly believe that sometimes you just have to let the dice roll.

I am sorry that the people concerned won’t take responsibility, but do bullies ever? Send your sister a letter, perhaps you can team up in your disgust and disown them together for while, so that can fully understand the hurt they caused.

I wish you well x

Thank you for your response. The people responsible for all this appalling mess have refused to talk on the phone or even meet face to face. Sending an email or letter was an option I did consider but won't do it. If they will not have a conversation it is showing their own cowardice and guilt at what they have done because they will not answer any questions which would prove they instigated the trouble. Emails or letter would do no good in this case, trust me I know.

They are playing the victims because we have accused them of lying and lying to others about us. They have managed to manipulate others into believing their side of things. It is too awful. My family has never had this level of disloyalty among close relatives. It is almost beyond description.

I am not a swearer but if I were this screen would explode.

What are the lies they are spreading? What has happened to cause the rift? There aren't enough details to give constructive advice. It's hard but unless both sides take ownership of their part played in the rift no reconciliation will happen. It takes courage to be the bigger person and offer an olive branch. Without knowing exactly what has happened its hard to say whether that is appropriate or even an option? Are you upset about the lack of relationship with them or the fact they are slandering you? People aren't daft and don't take everything they hear at face value. I hope you can find a way to move forward and find peace.

I am very aware that I have not given enough detail to explain how all this started and sorry for that but I have no idea who reads this site and for discretionary reasons I simply can not say very much at all. I signed up here anonymously as do many people and it goes without saying that too much detail could identify anyone.

This situation can not be put right at this time. Please accept that. I am not looking for advice to rectify as being the bigger person and olive branches are all very well but they would be allowing the perpetrators to get away with the mess they created. I am though grateful that anyone here would be happy to if it were possible.

My question is has anyone else had a family fall out so monumental that the rift has gone on for years? (other than the lady who first replied).

We had an uncle who played games to assert his control, particularly when it came to money. He would also slag off our family and claim how much better his own children would be compared to us. One has multiple felony convictions against him from the US!

His method of divide and conquer
spectacularly failed amongst my siblings and myself; and whilst it cost us money we still came out the victors 😊
It gives me great pleasure to know I don’t have anything to do with him anymore.

We have gone NC with my inlaws for a year now after awful malicious and in some cases dangerous behaviour. They are the same, total refusal to accept responsibility, bullying dh to the point of breakdown, lies, ridiculous gossip, sending awful private messages to various members of my family. The list goes on.
I hate it, and tried everything to prevent it including being willing to be the scapegoat for all their issues but that wasn't enough.
I can't let their actions continue to cause problems so have stopped trying to resolve it, stopped encouraging dh to talk to them. Life goes both ways and at the end of the day they are missing out.
Dh knows that he can go to see them, talk to them anytime he wants but his view is he cannot keep on with being bullied and doesn't want his mental health to suffer.
Their aim was to split us up after we had got married, epically failed after all we've survived two rounds of cancer and a house fire, we are made if stronger stuff.
Fil has even admitted it is a bit of a game to see if he can win!

I still hate it, but it is out of my hands. Wish I could do something but everything is just manipulated. I took or youngest to see his mum as we were near her work. It came back as I had only gone because I wanted money or a babysitter, neither of which was true or actually happened.

You believe they are telling lies, they clearly believe what they are saying and think you and your sister are in the wrong. That's the nature of conflict. Sadly it rarely gets resolved unless you sit together and accept to listen to each other, accept some blame, and agree on compromises to get out of conflict.

The more you expect them to admit they are wrong and thry change their behaviour (and them the same), the worse the conflict becomes. In that case, its better to just move on and forget about them.

We had similar 18 months ago. I had to go NC with my mum and brother and my eldest son was twisted by them into moving out. It’s hiseous, but overall I had no choice

Same here. Not spoken with my sister for 7 years. She went NC over something trivial she imagined as a slight and then acted appallingly, actively blanking me at family gatherings.

I extended an olive branch when mum became ill, suggesting we park the "issue" and concentrate on cooperating at a most basic level to help our parents, but she doubled down and refused to budge, coming out with a further imagined slight.

At that point I really just got my head around the fact that she was really dead to me and it felt much better that I would never have to deal with her again or make an effort.

When there was a crisis over mum's health I found myself in the same room as her, and she made the effort to hold a basic conversation with me. However twice (out of 3 times we have been in the same room) she has accused me of not making any effort, and of course she's the one who was wronged so she's being the bigger person. Realised then that we cannot simply "park" the issue and communicate without recourse to arguing over a 7 year dispute. Resulted in her shouting after me as my mum was being admitted to hospital, being wheeled out of a consultation room.

I now realise that she can never add anything positive to my life, so isn't worth the effort.

She couldn't understand that after behaving like that towards me for 7 years and rebuffing efforts I wasn't able to act as if nothing had happened, and wasn't prepared to exchange even one word over the 7 year issue.

I think these situations are reasonably common.
My best friend from school got married about 20 years ago. I had known her from our first day in primary school and knew everything about her family. Or so I thought!!
I was gobsmacked when she told me that her mother had a brother and that she was inviting him to her wedding. Her mother and her uncle had fallen out and not spoken for years. He did come to the wedding and it was a cordial reconciliation with his sister but that was the last time they saw each other. Both dead now.

Has happened on both sides of my family that there have been fallings out and no reconciliation before 1 party died. 1 lot being about 15 years of no contact between them, the other about 2.5 years. The 15 years one was known to have a terminal illness, the other death was not as expected (the person had a lot of health issues in general, some serious).

The first 2 had a troubled relationship for most of their lives (siblings) the other 1 party was forever cutting people in and out.

Family relationships can be hell and the hell is that you have to see the offending members every so often because you're related.
Are you asking how to cope with the situation OP , or how to resolve it?
I would suggest you distance yourself from those sibs and concentrate on the good ones.
In my experience the only advantage of being from a big family is that you're not limited to trying to improve relationships with the toxic sib ....you have the reasonable ones to rely on.

I am not asking how to resolve this. The two who caused it refuse to discuss and this in itself proves to us they know their own guilt. This is an open forum and I admire others for divulging details to readers but I do not feel I can do that.

My sharing this with you has been good but sorry for others going through similar!

I ask myself if these two were not family members would I want them as friends. The answer is a big no. With non related individuals who are hypocritical and disloyal you can cut them off but if they are close relatives it really is more hurtful and stressful.

We had a situation about 2 years ago with a family member who did something awful to one of our DC. Instead of dealing with it in an adult fashion it was hushed up and lied about by the person and their partner.

The end result is that we've ceased all contact with that person and their partner, told the truth when we've been asked about it, and that person no longer has the joy of being part of our DC's lives.

Rifts are awful to live through, and I'm absolutely not the kind of person who seeks out drama or aggro. I just reached a point where I needed to cut them out for the sake of my own happiness and sanity. Life is calmer and clearer without them, and I don't see that it will ever change or improve because the person flatly refuses to acknowledge any fault or responsibility and so much bad behaviour has gone on since.

It absolutely is hurtful to know that a member of your family could cause such hurt and care so little. But you need to remember that it's not about you, it's solely about them. They're devious and unkind and awful, not you. They're lying because they know they're at fault. Imagine being that much of a knob. It gets easier as time goes by.

It's so heartbreaking, my brother got married and didn't speak to us for 3 years. It was torture, I begged for his forgiveness, wrote letters kicked on the door you name it I tried everything because we didn't get on with his new wife. In the end I just had to respect his wishes and let him live I also had to come to terms with "not being forgiven" and forgive myself for my actions and move on. I know you're not looking for a resolution but I sure hope whoever has done you dirty is at least showing some genuine remorse.

In the end 3 years later my brother turned up at our door, with the birth of our new niece it brought us back together. It wasn't easy, but time is a great healer.

@Collaborate I could have written your post. I also have a nightmare-from-hell sister. It's taken me years to realise that she brings nothing but chaos wherever she goes. I wish I'd gone NC with her a lot sooner. She has destroyed all the inter-family relationships and I am now NC with all my siblings and VLC with my mother.

You can't choose your family, and I am well shot of all of them.

Not in my family but my in laws are always falling out with each other for years at a time, currently one of DH's uncle has been estranged from one of his adult children for at least a decade and DH has been estranged from his sibling for 3 years. The longer it drags on the more entrenched each side become in their own views and the less likely reconciliation is.

DH realised that his sibling wanted to win the argument more than they wanted to understand his point of view or acknowledge his feelings, and DH decided he was happier without them in his life. Now we only see them at weddings and funerals, and it's awkward! 🙈

I ask myself if these two were not family members would I want them as friends. The answer is a big no.

I understand this up to a point. It depends on the what, how, why to me. Being related only gets you so far in my life. Some behaviour is just not acceptable whoever you are.
I was estranged from my father for 15 years. We have a very understated relationship now and see each other 2-3 times a year but it’s very weird from my perspective. It’s more like a relationship with an older distant relative than a parent. It won’t ever be more than that but it’s of his doing. I’m not sure how I’d react/feel if he wanted more but that day will never come.

Niece has been NC with her mother/sister and me for years. We used to get upset, especially my sister. DSis realised a couple of years ago that getting constantly upset and trying to be nice to her DD, was causing her emotional problems. She has now come to terms with her DD being NC, and doesn't care anymore. FYI none of us know why this niece started behaving so badly.

I think some people think that because you are related it gives them permission to mistreat you . This is the case with my older sister . She has regular bouts of anger where she shouts and rants and says lots of hurtful things and then in a couple of days will send a friendly text acting as if nothing has happened.
For decades I accepted this behaviour but , just recently, after the last unprovoked attack I have decided to only communicate with her on group chats....not to ignore her as such but not to encourage one to one communication.

@roisinagusniamh wow, is your sister my sister? Identical situation for me too

Really Clarissa ?
How do you deal with her?
I hate her rage ....it comes out of nowhere .
I feel anxious around her ....but can no longer tolerate the attacks.
Any tips?

DH hasn't spoken to his parents in 18 years.

Their relationship was never good but the final straw was all a bit of an overreaction and I can;t imagine it being so serious in my own family.

I was sad that more effort wasn't made to build bridges (the issue had nothing to do with me). That said, life is far more straightforward without them

@roisinagusniamh yes, it got to a point where I was tip toeing round her just waiting for an explosion of some kind, and no matter what everyone else was/in the wrong.

As awful as it sounds I just had to try and differentiate between whether she is mentally ill or just being a bully! (I'm not a doctor but I suffer from anxiety and bipolar type 2 and can say I have it quite under control )In this case she was being a bully, she wasn't neglecting herself or her family of any needs and when we get on I had the opportunity to ask her if there's anything I can help with or anything that's triggering her anger (this was really hard for to try and feel some kind of empathy for her but I tried) well it back fired for me.

was a monster you name it "trying to make me look bad" was the main theme of her rant. This sounds so petty, but have learnt to literally block her out of my life until she sees the damaging she is causing to my life and our mothers.. slowly but surely things are getting better - she is the one who has to come and apologise to me unless i think I've instigated anything.

I think some times putting yourself first is what counts, you aren't there to be treated like a verbal punching bag just because you are her sister. I hope you find a way through it x

I'm NC with ALL of my family (siblings and parents).
I now love my life, I feel so alive and free, The threat of being removed from The WILL didn't work, I'd rather live my life than live a lie for the next 20-30yrs deeply unhappy for the slight chance of money.

Bollocks to them, they can all suck it up with each other