Family disputes

[MonroeM]

Hello all. This is my first post on this site as I just registered a few days ago but felt the need to ask if anyone here has experienced a deep family rift which seems too far gone to be fixed. I never believed this could happen in my own family and am still in shock as it is fairly recent and the disgust and hurt is still strong and not looking to fade any time soon.

I will not at this point divulge the details which instigated this rift but in a nutshell there are two family members who have been so disloyal and underhand and caused such upset to both myself and a sister. It has come as a massive shock to us to be treated this way and before anyone suggests that life is too short to let rifts go on I can only say that in my own view life is too bloody short to play dirty tricks on those you profess to love.

This is not about affairs or cheating partners. Sorry to be so vague but I can not at this time bring myself to trawl out the whole sorry tale. In the past we have had fall outs and stopped speaking for a while but always managed to get reasonably back on track. However this current situation is just far too big and serious and two of us who are affected are absolutely crushed and hurt that we have been made such fools of in this way.

The individuals who have caused this awful rift are just refusing to acknowledge any blame or even talk about the situation. What makes it worse is that these people are not only telling lies but spreading them to others which is now filtering back to us.

I realise that my post may sound confusing and enigmatic but if I started from the beginning to explain more clearly then I would be typing all night! I have met people who stated they had not talked to a brother/sister etc for 20 years and thought how on earth can that happen in a family but sadly I can now see that some situations can not be resolved at all.

Thank you for reading.

It depends who is writing the post - if the OP is the one doing the cutting off, you can guarantee they see them selves as the wronged party, mistreated and abused.

Bt if the Op is the one who has been cut off, you can guarantee they also see them self as the wronged party, and every one else is controlling, abusive, narcissistic.

What the OP never sees is that they are the common denominator - I can understand falling out with one person (or a couple) but if you fall out with your whole family, I think, people should take a look at themselves

I can not sleep hence this post at such an early hour.

One small example of this situation (but by no means the whole story) is the disloyalty. I confided in one of the two who are causing all this hurt as we were very close and I thought the trust was there. I told her something very personal and asked that it went no further than these four walls. Of course she made it clear I could trust her without question.
Only a couple of days later I was talking to the other person in this sorry saga and again someone I thought I could trust. She hinted at this personal secret I had told the other one and I asked how she knew about this. Her reply was XXX told me.

I very quickly phoned XXX and asked why she had passed on my secret. Her flippant reply oh I didn't think you would mind, disappointed me beyond belief. As I said this is just one example and the least serious of my gripes against one of them. It all escalated when my sister and I discovered we had been taken for fools for some time and even as I type this I am feeling angry. Lack of sleep isn't helping!

It is easy now of course to just never again trust or confide in these people who have proven beyond doubt to be two faced and disloyal but damage has been done and if they were to man (or woman) up and say sorry it may be repairable but these two are like a concrete wall now, totally impenetrable.

So many more and serious aspects of all this mess but when a family member meets you in the street and puts their arms around you in greeting then later that same day spreads gossip and bends the truth to such a level it becomes a lie then all is lost as far as I can see.

Can I ask, if someone tells an untruth is it not called a lie? Of course it is. Finding the courage to tell that person they lied therefore they are a liar seems to be a crime in my family. I am guilty of this heinous crime, yes calling someone a liar who now has become the victim and trying to blacken my name as I dared call her the L word.

I am waffling now so will spare you any more.

IAsk, that is so true.
My sister sees herself in the right at all times. She has lost relationships and friendships due to her outbursts but still claims to be justified in doing so , even feeling proud that she is so vocal ( in her hellish rants).

My sister has broken so many confidences. She seems incapable of thinking before she opens her mouth. And whenever any shit kicks off, it's always everybody else's fault.

This is the typical DARVO - Denial, Aggression, Reverse Victim Order. So SHE is the victim, always.

There is no dealing with that. No being reasonable because you cannot reason with an unreasonable person. My sister has behaved like a spoilt entitled brat ever since I can remember. Her husband enables her behaviour and joins in with the slagging off.

I have no fucks left to give, which is enormously liberating.

The only advice I can give is you have to be true to yourself.It doesnt matter about the circumstances that led to the position you find yourself in,it really doesn;t.Its about can you trust again,do they deserve your forgiveness,could things ever be right again and would you wish them to be?Or more a case of I cannot under any circumstances accept their behaviour and their apology wouldnt mean a thing as I am so hurt?The former is harder than the latter I believe.Its easy to disown and move on..its the forgiveness bit and the what ifs that are harder to deal with in my book.Maybe step back and think what would you advise someone else to do in the same circumstances? There is no right or wrong way to handle it....Also to bear in mind if said situation was caused accidentaly would that have any bearing on your decisions or was it with ruthless intent .decifer that one and it may help you make your decision going forward...

DARVO sums my sister up to a tee.