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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel utterly hurt that my sister said that she would never employ me

74 replies

LilliesOnTheLake · 22/07/2019 22:17

Because in her words " she has poor social skills".

It really upset me. It's knocked my self esteem/ confidence. I already hate myself and this has just made me want to die. I know I'm shy and quiet and I've hated myself for it since I can remember. But for some reason actually hearing those words from someone else just cut through me like nothing before.

I'll get over it but probably won't forget it. I feel so sad. I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I've had a little cry too.

I have trauma induced social anxiety from early childhood.

For the record I currently am working - so I guess someone thought i was worth employing.

OP posts:
ThereIsTooMuchConfusion · 22/07/2019 23:04

I’m so sorry your sister said this!

@Happyspud I completely agree with you to the point I screen shot your comment and sent it to my sister and said this is how I feel about you. Except I’m still in the I assume she knows this stage !

Rachelle11 · 22/07/2019 23:08

I"m sorry you heard her say that. Since she didn't say it to you, and felt guilty you overheard, I would say she simply made a mistake.

Are you in therapy at all? It sounds like you need a safe space to work through your trauma issues.

Ohyesiam · 22/07/2019 23:10

Well she certainly lacks social skills, empathy and tact.
Have you sought treatment for your trauma?

HopeIsNotAStrategy · 22/07/2019 23:13

In my experience OP family can often be the people who know us least.

You seem lovely. Her, less so. 💐

IncrediblySadToo · 22/07/2019 23:21

YABU to think your sisters opinion is well formed or important

You’re employed so you are employable and you (presumably) don’t want to work for her anyway.

Find some confidence and don’t put up with her shit, a quick ‘you’d never get the opportunity because I wouldn’t work with you, let alone for you’ would have out her back in her box.

bingbongnoise · 22/07/2019 23:26

@LilliesOnTheLake

YANBU. Your sister is very rude and inconsiderate and nasty.

Why the fuck would you WANT to work for her?!

Cow.

You are better than her. Just know that.

AngelsOnHigh · 22/07/2019 23:27

Did you perhaps take the few words you overheard out of context?

Maybe sit down and have a chat with her about how you feel. I am one of 6 siblings and have often felt like you because I have also suffered trauma induced social anxiety since childhood.

However, I also know that we all have each others back when it comes to a crisis.

I just tell people that I am brilliant at my job (which I am) but hopeless at life.

Flumpy19 · 22/07/2019 23:36

Can I just let you know, as someone who is loud and cannot (no matter how hard I've tried in my 27 years) make myself quieter, I'd much rather be quiet than loud!

I'm quite an anxious, shy person in social situations but have an unusually loud voice which I cannot control. This invariably ends up making everyone listen to what I say... Cue the sweats, random drivel and waffling in order to conceal the fact that I'm anxious and not very intelligent.

I wouldn't take anything your sister says to heart as she obviously doesn't know you well, and often our families have never seen us in professional environments and would be surprised at how different we are.

I'm guessing she's an older sister? So you have probably looked up to her at some point? Sounds easier said than done, but remember that you don't need to be the loudest person in the room to be the one everyone wants to have in their team.

Wavyheaded · 22/07/2019 23:43

OP, you should read Quiet by Susan Cain. A fantastic book, it's all about the quiet, often overlooked, power of introverted people. It's a really interesting read. Your sister sounds like a loud blabbermouth, the kind that society revolves around. You have many strengths that you probably don't see, and being quiet is actually one of them.

And like you say, you ARE employed, so stuff her!

TanMateix · 23/07/2019 00:03

It takes a while to accept this but I urge to consider it: You don’t need your family approval.

Sometimes families are so toxic, that the best thing you can do is to stop caring about what they think.

ReanimatedSGB · 23/07/2019 00:17

It depends partly on what type of business your sister runs. If it's hospitality or entertainment, and the people she hires are all extroverts and bright and bouncy, then it's not hugely unreasonable for her to say she wouldn't employ you, because you wouldn't be suitable and the job wouldn't be suitable for you.
It also depends why she was saying it - are you looking for work at present and has someone else proposed that your sister should give you a job? If your mum was nagging her to employ you and she doesn't want to (because she has no vacancies and doesn't want to sack an existing employee to make room for you - or because she genuinely doesn't think the job would suit you) then it's not surprising she spoke a bit harshly.

AJ1425 · 23/07/2019 00:22

I put yabu but only because I have poor social skills myself and just have to brush things like this off or I go into a pit of self despair and its just awful. Crappy thing of her to say though.

Alexapourmeadrink · 23/07/2019 00:45

I wouldn’t employ you as a holiday rep or gameshow host but I would prefer to employ you in almost every “normal” job! I bet you have common sense coming out of your pores - a rare commodity these days.

I wouldn’t employ your sister in any role that involves diplomacy.

cheesemongery · 23/07/2019 00:49

It takes a while to accept this but I urge to consider it: You don’t need your family approval.

This absolutely. If in the meantime you decide to wok on your confidence or work on what makes you feel good, then don't even consider what your family will think. It's all about YOU - omg singing the song now Grin

SummerSeasoning · 23/07/2019 00:55

Family business can be a really bad idea so she is probably right in that respect.

But really siblings are usually the worst judges of each other as there is too much (irrelevant to the present circumstances) history.

This is hurtful but you have to see it as her issue not yours. Chin up. x

NeckPainChairSearch · 23/07/2019 01:19

Your sister is very rude and inconsiderate and nasty

Cow

Your sister sounds like a bitch

Your sister sounds like a right plank

Your sister is an unfeeling, socially inadequate twat of a human

Wtf?

The sister said that the OP had poor social skills. Not nice to hear, but no one knows the context, it wasn't said TO the OP to hurt her, and the sister felt bad that the OP overheard.

OP, I'm like you, and get your hurt, I really do. That said, I don't think your sister's comment warrants the outpouring of personal insults on this thread.

The comments here are considerably nastier than the one the OP overheard. Really, name-calling? To make a point about not saying mean shit about people?

CSIblonde · 23/07/2019 01:56

Your sister has no empathy & is unkind . I have social anxiety but cover it up well now I'm older: I put a good extrovert front on now because I used to be massively criticised for being very quiet. My sister also used to put me down when I was was younger & struggled to hide it more. (whole other story were NC now). You are employed so you're obviously competent & skilled: & not every role requires a massive extrovert. In my current team there are 6 different nationalities & some massively differing personalities, but they're all really clever at what they do. So please value yourself & realise that the quiet among us also have positive traits. And, I sometimes find the extroverts needy in their wish to be constantly chatty, noticed & social when I need peace to concentrate to power thru with something urgent.

Toomuchtrouble4me · 23/07/2019 01:59

Well, tbh, as you honestly say yourself that you have poor social skills and your sister was only saying it to your other sibling - and we don't know the context,,,"No, that job as an events organiser would never stir x, she has poor social skills'...was it really so bad? I mean they are your sisters, it was a private comment - its not like she put it on twitter. I don't think its that big a deal tbh

Yeahnahmum · 23/07/2019 02:23

You say your shy and quiet and hate yourself and want to die. ..
But then you get hurt by your sisters comment? It just sounds to me like a fair comment as you don't sound very stable.

But it could also be that your sister is a big fat meany haha. Sort your self out op. A psychiatriast can work miracles. Go out and make yourself a better person 😊 and then start your own business and rub it in your sisters face Grin

Yeahnahmum · 23/07/2019 02:24

*you're

AzraiL · 23/07/2019 02:54

You could come back with 'Any adequately professional employer with decent interpersonal skills would never dream of saying that to or about anyone'.

LikeDolphinsCanSwin · 23/07/2019 02:58

Surely it depends what the job actually is, you haven’t said. Does your sister run a business?

I’m an introvert and don’t have the best social skills. If you put me in, say, a sales job, I would be beyond hopeless. I wouldn’t be upset if someone who knew me well enough to know that, said so.

I’m employed, in a suitable job, and doing very nicely for myself. We all need to find our niche; it’s a good thing to accept that there are some things we are not good at, and that’s totally fine.

TwistyTop · 23/07/2019 03:22

Perhaps your sister is on a bit of a power trip? Siblings can often be competitive, and if she thinks of herself as being in a position to employ you to work under her, then maybe this is a big ego stroke for her and she just can't resist getting the little digs in so that the whole family know she is the most successful and important sibling.

That's her reality. It doesn't make it so. You are doing your own thing separately from her, and if she wants to judge you negatively then that's her own problem. I really wouldn't want to work for someone like her. Sounds like you get on with your own life and don't try and play games and compete with her. I think that's much classier and I think others would see it that way too.

UserUndone · 23/07/2019 03:25

OP you sound really lovely. There's nothing wrong with being shy, I was, I used to blush all the time! But I don't any more. I grew out of it.

You sound thoughtful and caring, which I think, are qualities that are a rarity in today's society. Take no notice of other people's negativity.

Pancakes95 · 23/07/2019 04:18

I know just how hurtful this remark made you feel but just think of the amount of people who would not employ your sister.

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