Aibu to question if this person was actually abusive? May be triggering (DV)

[ConfusedPerson100]

I will try to be very very balanced here though it’s hard, I am one of the children (now all adults) in this scenario so I probably carry some bias.

Two people, A + B. Plus 4 children.
I will explain both and see what MN thinks.

Parent A - Loving parent sometimes but mainly quite cold and unbothered. When not sitting in their armchair smoking and watching TV parent A could be found, shouting at us (children) for what I now know to be very minor infractions. Incidents include over 40 mins of screaming in a 5 year olds face for spilling ribena in the kitchen (by accident of course.) Slamming doors, giving everyone daggers, slamming cupboard doors, throwing things and generally creating an atmosphere. Would occasionally “clip”/slap us.

Parent A would behave aggressively to parent B and prevented them from holding down a job or having any money of their own (such as a bank card, benefit claim or job. They would always sabotage it or act insulted) I remember clearly parent A threatening to “Gut” parent B “like a fucking fish” for trying to set up their own JSA claim.

Would berate us all for nothing including demanding parent B (or one of us) re-do house work that was not to A’s standards even if A would refuse to help. This includes tipping every washed dish back into the sink due to “dirt” that could not be seen by anyone but parent A.
As we got older (once parent B left the family home) parent A became very manipulative and would worm around us to get info to then use against us. Such as one of us getting a boyfriend at 16. When parent A weedled the info out with repeated assurances that they would not judge them for having a boyfriend they turned on the child in question and called her a slut/slag/whore and so on. Many such instances occurred so we all simply stopped telling parent A anything and mostly lived in fear of them. We all lived with parent A until 16/17 (we all moved out ASAP).

Parent B very affectionate and loving, very caring and was primary carer while parent A did very little. I have no recollection of parent A ever doing the school pick ups or drop offs despite not working, this was all parent B. Usually very calm and kind. Fairly non judgemental and not particularly snappy.

However parent B was prone to the occasional (perhaps once a year/every 2) blow up. These started when I was around 8 after several bad incidents including parent A (making B quit a well paid job they loved was one catalyst) I can think of 3 incidents where parent B became destructive, broke items and cried into their hands afterward.

Parent B rarely hit us, but did punch the eldest once I do not know why this happened . The younger ones were occasionally clipped/smacked but nothing further. I am under the impression the pressure of living under parent A’s roof and their control is what may have caused this parent to act aggressively to the extent that they did, as 99% of the time they were not nasty or mean. They did most of the cooking, cleaning and shopping. However their cash flow was restricted and they were shouted at by parent A if they overspent on food or essentials leading to us sometimes going without (the last week of the month was usually v sparse)

No emotional abuse toward me (or as far as I’m aware the others)
However On one occasion they smashed up the house damaging the living room furniture and causing a couple k worth of damages, when parent A was allegedly caught cheating. The eldest child has some knowledge of this and claims parent A did cheat but the rest of us were too young to have much knowledge of what was going down.

We ranged in age from 5-17 when parent B went to prison for the above incident and when let out was not allowed contact with us again. Parent B has recently sent me a fb request which I have not responded to yet but I have not seen them for almost ten years (I am early 20’s)

I am not attempting to excuse either parent however parent A likes to deny their wrongdoings completely and acts as though they were 100% in the right. Regularly refers to parent B (when mentioned) as “Evil” and abusive among other things. If any of us bring up the many bad things parent A did or their laziness (when parent B left the housework and such was heaped onto the two eldest children) they deny it and try to make us all sound crazy. Parent A has tried to drive many wedges between my siblings and I.
So can I get some fresh eyes and opinions on this? I have been thinking of the past a lot and hope to get some clarity now I am older.
Any opinions or criticisms welcome.
Thank you so much.

Sorry for the essay, well done if you finished it. I tried to leave out what wasn’t relevant
I have to get dressed for work but will check back in approx 90 mins for replies.

Are you asking if B was really abusive or not?

Yes, sorry for the confusion.
A maintains that B was highly abusive and that they (A) were faultless. I’m not sure that’s true anymore, looking back as an adult...

Sounds like B was under immense strain living with A. I’m sorry you had to grow up in that sort of situation.

It sounds like a bad situation all round.
I don't really know what to tell you tbh.
Clearly they were a toxic combination. Given that you are still in contact with A whose behaviour was definitely abusive then I think I would want to hear what they had to say. What do your siblings think?

It sounds like B was under a lot of strain. Your memory of parent B might be more reliable than what parent A is telling you. Can you speak to your siblings? The oldest may have information to help you decide. I'm sorry this happened to you.

I mean what B had to say

Hi OP do you know for sure that parent B actuallywent to prison. Was not sure if you were told this by Parent A?

And if Prison, so you know what for as it seems extreme punishment for a one off incident damaging furniture?

So sorry you and your siblings went through this. Have you hAd any counselling about this situation?

Sounds like a toxic and damaging household and the brunt of it fell on the children. Neither behaved in a way that would put you guys first.

Tbh it's irrelevant if B was as bad and abusive as A says, the real question is... do you want a relationship with them? Do you want to reinstate contact? What do you want?

Our opinions will be clouded by our own judgments,experiences and bias plus a lack of emotional connection to these people. This is about you and what you want/need going forwards.

Wow. It sounds from what you've said that A was abusive towards both B and the children.

How do your siblings feel about it?

Wow, I was really surprised to read at the end of that that you're still in contact with Parent A. Parent A was clearly abusive to both A and all you children. B sounds like they cracked under the pressure occasionally, but then there's absolutely no excuse for punching your sibling. In your situation, I would consider speaking to B to hear more about their side of the story, but as PP has said, this is all about what you want. If you don't think you'll get anything sufficiently positive out of communication with B to justify the potential upset then don't do it.

Answer some to questions; I only maintain contact with two out of three of my siblings, one is too young to remember (the very youngest who was 5 when parent b left) however my other sibling (the eldest) believes that parent A is a liar/shit stirrer hiding behind domestic abuse as an excuse and that while parent B wasn’t parent of the year they can’t hold a candle to A for abusive behaviour. We do intend to have a proper chat about it soon.
Im just trying to canvass opinion before I decide on next steps. It’s a difficult one for me personally as I’ve spent so long away from parent B and being told they’re evil.

I do know for sure that they went to prison (they served two months inside and I presume had some kind of probation for the rest of it it was an 8 month sentence) I believe it was criminal damage they were charged with.

I did receive some basic counselling as a teen however the outreach service I was under suffered a cut in funding so I was bounced from them to cahms who were a bit useless and I guess I kind of slipped through the net, I have been ok since though. But maybe I should re-investigate counselling....
As for if I want a relationship with parent B well... I don’t know. I guess this is helping me decide but in a way you do have a point YourSarcasm I honestly don’t know, though. The main thing on my mind is the shitstorm it would cause with parent A. I mentioned to parent A (about 5 years back now) about getting back in touch with parent B and I don’t think I’ve yet lived it down. I am apparently the worst daughter in the world for wanting to speak with a “complete evil bastard”. So I’d have to keep it from parent B and that just seems like I’m doing something “wrong.”
Gah.
Thank you for insights thus far though you are all v helpful

I think you need to hear parent B's side. Just from what you have written, Parent A was abusive and Parent B would be pushed to the point of a breakdown on occasions when the abuse got all too much. I can't even image what Parent B went through not being allowed contact with their children. I can't see that they would have been in prison very long for a few thousand worth of damage??!! There has to be more to the story.

Parent B wasn’t in prison for very long, just 2 months, they were however prevented from having contact (I do not know the ins and outs or how hard they fought for it, however) by parent A, who as far as my limited knowledge goes, had the support of social services as they (A) claimed B was abusing them. I presume the criminal damage conviction went a way to backing that story, but I doubt it to be true.

Bs behaviour was abusive.

But it was also a reaction to the pressures of living in the environment. Adults are human too........B sounds like a generally good person who tried but fucked up at times. I'd be happy to have a relationship with someone like B.

I'd have cut off someone like A years ago.

If parent b was tried today they would probably be able to use the battered wives defence (can’t actually remember the real name but you get the idea). That doesn’t mean you have to accept their behaviour-lots of people live in these kinds of situations without lashing out that much but I doubt that the behaviour had any cause other than A’s abuse.

I mentioned to parent A (about 5 years back now) about getting back in touch with parent B and I don’t think I’ve yet lived it down. I am apparently the worst daughter in the world for wanting to speak with a “complete evil bastard”. So I’d have to keep it from parent B and that just seems like I’m doing something “wrong.”

This is why you might need counselling. They might not have been as bad as each other,but neither of them put you first. It's time to do it for yourself. Without the FOG fear,obligation,guilt) from parent A or the what ifs, possibly romanticised version of parent B.

You need to reach a decision for yourself,your wants and needs regardless of what A or B think or feel.

Options:

Contact with both
Contact with just A
Contact with just B
No contact with both of them.

Neither option is right or wrong,as long as it's the best for you.

Parent A is a narcissistic, financially abusive bastard and parent B had a nervous breakdown culminating in the 'criminal damage.'

Parent A has successfully held onto some of the children at least in terms of power... and is possibly still manipulating you now you're an adult.

The threat to 'gut' parent B are not the words of a normal loving parent or partner.

Well done on moving out!

Yes to hearing Parent B's side of the story for a change. You must have missed that person very badly.

Did Parent A start to bully the eldest child after Parent B left?

Are you making healthy relationship decisions yourself as an adult?

Parent B punched the eldest. Crumbs.

OP is Parent A female and Parent B male?

Parent A sounds horrendous. Parent B...I'm not sure. I think I would want to hear their version of events.

A is abusive

B was being abused

Fucking awful that B went to prison for finally losing their shit after years of abuse

Parent A sounds abusive and B pushed by A to the limit and snapped.

As with pp, I’m shocked to hear that you still have contact with parent A, although I can see how you’ve been manipulated for so long that you’re in a very confused space.

To me this reads as:
A, totally abusive piece of shit. Would go NC.

B, was also a victim and had a complete nervous breakdown under immense strain and pressure.

I can’t imagine how painful it is for B to have the abuse continue to a point where A is somehow the one left with all the children.

You need urgent counselling to establish and fully understand the depths of mental abuse and manipulation you have been subjected to.

I’m so sorry that this was your childhood, I really am. My parents were total nightmares, the only saving grace is that I can see clearly what was what. I think you need some help to be able to unpick it all and come to terms with it.

Unless there’s something else, I would be no contact with A, and be contacting B back without hesitation. Again, unless there’s something else, I feel really very sorry for B. The punching of the eldest child is horrendous, but I’d definitely hear them out if it was an isolated incident.

What IIfamily says

However parent B was prone to the occasional (perhaps once a year/every 2) blow up.

I can think of 3 incidents where parent B became destructive, broke items and cried into their hands afterward.

Parent B rarely hit us, but did punch the eldest once

The younger ones were occasionally clipped/smacked but nothing further

Parent B sounds like they are the victim of parent A, but they both abused the children (one more than the other) and exposed them to dangerous,violent and unhealthy behaviour.

Seeing the calm,reasonable,kind parent snap so badly is also damaging and terrifying for children.