Who is BU?

[NotMoneyRich]

Evening all, I have NCd and I'll keep it anonymous to see who is genuinely unreasonable.

Person A has recently completed their training and has been applying for jobs. Unfortunately, unsuccessfully. Due to the time of year it is, there will be no more job opportunities for a while. Despite this, person A is looking for any and all jobs every day.

Person B asks person A if there's any new jobs today out of curiosity. Person A replies no.

A few hours later, person B tells person A that they have looking at jobs for A and have they thought about applying for XYZ? A says that they've seen the jobs and are not suitable.

Person A is now angry with B because they feel like B is checking up on them and not believing that A is trying their best. B is angry that A is angry because they were just taking an interest and trying to be helpful.

Who is BU?

Or could it be the stress of money and the future are making both people on edge and snappy? Are both BU?

Sounds like B was checking up.

It depends how reliable A is at looking for work.
If B is A's SO, and their lack of employment is causing financial problems for the family, I can completely understand why B would want to help, cast a fresh eye and give some impetus to a job search. Unemployment is scary and being at the mercy of someone else's unemployment is almost worse because you are so affected by something over which you have little control.

Sounds like B was trying to be helpful

Maybe B was trying to be helpful? If there aren't likely to be jobs for a while are we talking training contracts/grad programmes. Although many do have set times there are sometimes ones that crop up in between.

Will A take something to tide them over until the right thing comes along?

If person B is As significant other then I think person B is unreasonable. You know what really person B is unreasonable. Job hunting is a really personal thing and stressful enough without others ‘helping’ and adding on more pressure.

Sounds like B was trying to be helpful but probably won't bother in the future!

A and B are married with a 3yo DC.

It depends - was B trying to be helpful, or was B checking up?

So you're a and b wants you to get a job to contribute to finances?

It sort of depends how A is approaching the job search. Applying for one at a time and waiting to hear back before looking for the next one? B is not unreasonable.

bitter experience of being B

It’s difficult to say, it could go either way depending on the specific individuals. B could genuinely be trying to help, knowing A might be quite disheartened by the job hunt and trying to help with some ideas - but B could also be checking up and implying A isn’t looking hard enough. It’s hard to say without knowing the couple and having more context.

Depends, doesn’t it? Is A genuinely doing everything they can to apply for jobs? Is B genuinely trying to be helpful and supportive, or are they distrustful of A?

From your description there’s no way of knowing these things and making an assessment.

It’s very likely both are being a bit unreasonable / assuming the worst of each other due to stress, however.

I can understand that B may have been trying to be helpful, but shouldn't really have piped up without being asked.

Assuming A and B are a male/female relationship I’m guessing B is the male and trying to be helpful, whereas A feels like B is checking up on/ interfering/thinks he knows better ( not speaking from personal experience oh no! 😄)

As pp said. It's hard to say.
Is person B the helpful sort?
Or interfering passive aggressive 'You aren't trying hard enough' sort?

If B is financially connected with A then they need to be appraised of the job situation as it likely affects finances. Saying that, there is a way to broach the fact that maybe A needs to changes strategy, and if they need to, and that kind of discussion should be sat down with calmly at an agreed time. B bringing it up by pretending its just curiosity will never go well as A is probably feeling pressured and defensive already.

However if A refuses to talk about it in a mature way that keeps B in the loop, then they make it difficult for A and probably leads to this situation!

B also needs to think about whether they actually are being helpful or just adding ill informed suggestions that don't help and make A feel very misunderstood and/or pressured.

So, yeah, it depends!

Not enough information to say.

I'm.assumingvl you're B & stressing out that no money is coming in. I think A is being a little Unreasonable & shoukd take what ever is available if it means money is coming into the house. B is being unreasonable if they dont work & could do so if A cant find work. Sounds like A & B need to sit down , talk about job expectations.

If B looked because they are pushing A into a job they don’t want then B is unreasonable.

If A is stalling because they don’t want to work then A is bu.

Does depend.
If finances are tight, then holding out for one specific job, which isn't likely to come up now (as said in OP) isn't reasonable.
OTOH, it depends how much the money is needed, what was agreed when the training began, how long they've been looking, how proactive the job-seeker is, and how flexible the job seeker is prepared to be.

As you said person B asked out of curiosity and thus were able to assign a (positive) motive to person B's question, I guess that you're person B.

Impossible to say who is BU without knowing the individuals, but I'd guess lack of money is leading to stress which in turn could be making both A and B snappy and inclined to jump to conclusions about the behaviour and motives of the other.

On basis of that limited story, I vote B was trying to be helpful.

Why are the jobs not suitable? If you're really desperate for work you'll take anything. Person B is probably fed up with being the main earner.

I think a lot of people who were feeling a bit stressed and scared about job hunting would probably act in that way, most males i know would and a fair few women. Unless you have had a discussion before about helping with the job hunt.
They are probably feeling a bit inadequate.
Yes the other person can be trying to be helpful but it also has an undertone of encouraging/ nagging/ checking up.

So probably better to have a discussion about what the job hunter would find helpful in terms of support right now. Sometimes its hard to get that from your SO.

i think it depends on the state of their relationship and personality type. For instance although I’m working I still get job emails sent as I like to know what’s out there so I would have said have you seen xyz. I have more patience for these things so my DH would be grateful if I looked and suggested some.
If B doesn’t have form for being distrustful or controlling and A doesn’t have form for being workshy and over reacting then it’s probably the stress and financial side that’s made them snappy. B probably trying to help but going about it the wrong way and A feeling under pressure.

Or could it be the stress of money and the future are making both people on edge and snappy?

If they're both decent,reasonable people normally then it's this.

If A is faffing, waiting for dream job, refusing to give other things a go despite an extra wage being needed, that's dickish and they are unreasonable.

If B keep making passive aggressive comments,checking up on A constantly, dismissing their efforts and ignoring any explanation of why no job yet with a "but what about Tesco? They're hiring" that's dickish and they're unreasonable.

If both are fairly reasonable people that love and respect each other normally, it's really just a blip brought on by financial worries, the soul destroying experience of job searching /feeling not good enough, balancing the fragile line between supportive and demanding etc. and a full pot just boiling over.

You know better than us which is the case.