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Original poster

Do I tell DP about inappropriate friend

42 replies

Oscalina · 21/07/2019 15:16

Have namechanged, and this is more of a WWYD.

My DP has in the last few months started doing music and performing with another man, (I’ll call him A) who has been round to ours regularly to rehearse.

Afterwards we’ll normally have a coffee or couple of drinks together at the house and chat, so we’re on friendly terms. A while ago my DP wanted to show A a video of some guitar performance he’d recorded but didn’t have his phone, and I had it on mine so I whatsapped it to A.

A couple of days later A sent me some chatty messages in WhatsApp which I replied to in a friendly way, but they started becoming a bit flirty from his end and I stopped replying as I felt uncomfortable. He then happened to be in a group of people we bumped into at the local pub and DP and I said a quick hi but didn’t sit very near. Later in the evening as I was on the way back from the loo he was standing nearby on his own and stopped me to chat, his body language and things he was saying (complimenting me in quite a suggestive way, staring intensely etc.) gave me the impression he was trying it on. So I just brushed him off and left and went home with DP.

So now I feel really fucking awkward - do I just ignore him and hope he’s got the message that I’m not interested and he stops, or do I tell DP? If I tell him then I doubt he’ll want to carry on doing music with him which would be a shame as he’s been really struggling with low mood for a while and this has lifted him considerably. I also really hate any kind of drama and gossip and I know this kind of thing can get around a small community like ours as everyone has been really complimentary about the music they’ve been performing together so would notice if they suddenly stop and aren’t talking or whatever. So in a way it’d be easier not to say anything.

But if I don’t tell him it’s like a) I’m keeping something secret from him and b) I’m protecting A when he doesn’t deserve it. I would then probably have to explain to my DP why I don’t want to hang out with A anymore as I’m really bad at hiding how I feel about people and he would notice if I went from friendly to cool (at best) with him. I’m really pissed of with A for putting me in this position and for being so willing to do that to my lovely trusting, trustworthy DP. What a prick.

Really not sure what to do

OP posts:
Tallgreenbottle · 21/07/2019 15:17

Just tell him. He'd want to know.

mbosnz · 21/07/2019 15:19

I'd tell him. I'm quite sure you're more important to him than his music, and he'd not want A being enabled to continue making you feel uncomfortable like this.

newmomof1 · 21/07/2019 15:23

I'd definitely tell him. If you don't and he works it out, it'll look like you've got something to hide.

He's also been visiting your home - you don't want to put yourself in a vulnerable position and should be allowed to feel comfortable in your own home.

Original poster
Oscalina · 21/07/2019 15:26

Yeah you’re right, I’m going to have to tell him. That’s going to be a fun conversation Sad

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 21/07/2019 15:29

Definitely tell him! Why wouldn't you. He needs to. know.

BigBairyHollocks · 21/07/2019 15:29

I would actually say nothing,if playing has helped your DP’s mood just leave it unless something that can’t be brushed off happens.Hopefully it won’t though.

Deadposhtory · 21/07/2019 15:31

Tell him.

Original poster
Oscalina · 21/07/2019 15:33

@BigBairyHollocks I know, I’ll feel so bad as he hasn’t had anyone he’s clicked with musically since he was at uni years ago and this will ruin it, and he’s been really excited about their next gig.

OP posts:
Preggosaurus9 · 21/07/2019 15:35

I'd say nothing, but if put in situation with A coming to the house again be out/upstairs, and at that point be honest with DH and say I don't feel comfortable around him because of things he said.

nooddsocksforme · 21/07/2019 15:38

I would wait to see if he has got the message that you are not interested. However if anything else happened I would tell dh then

Original poster
Oscalina · 21/07/2019 16:02

Yes maybe I should wait then. He’s meant to come round tomorrow night to rehearse so I’ll make myself scarce

OP posts:
VenusTiger · 21/07/2019 16:07

If this was the other way around, I’d want to know. Isn’t A supposed to be his friend - what if they start spending more time together- definitely tell him, he has a right to know what his friend is doing to you.

Derbee · 21/07/2019 16:09

I would always be honest and tell your partner. You haven’t done anything wrong. However, these things come out eventually and if you haven’t told him you’ll look like you’ve been hiding it from him.

I think trust is the most important thing. My partner and I tell each other this kind of stuff, because things are only a big deal if they’re a secret.

Your partner doesn’t need to confront the friend, but it just means you’re both aware of making sure he keeps appropriate boundaries

SimonJT · 21/07/2019 16:16

I would tell him, plus I feel if you don’t you will keep worrying about it, it might help you to tell and take it off your mind a bit.

Original poster
Oscalina · 21/07/2019 16:17

Ok. Realistically I’ve got until tomorrow morning to decide as he’s coming round after work.

OP posts:
mussolini9 · 21/07/2019 16:19

I know, I’ll feel so bad as he hasn’t had anyone he’s clicked with musically since he was at uni years ago and this will ruin it, and he’s been really excited about their next gig.

Very frustrating for you OP, as if you tell your DP potentially loses a valuable outlet, but if you don't you say you will feel like you are witholding info.

I would tend to not saying anything. You're an adult & can handle A's misdirected nonsense. Block A on whatsapp, & shut down any more flirtatious behaviour very sternly.
If it then all blows over - fine.
If A then still oversteps boundaries, that's the time to let your partner know.

MaintainTheMolehill · 21/07/2019 16:19

I wouldn't say anything until he made it more obvious. If oh asks I would just say he gives you the creeps a bit as he's a bit flirty.

BookBookBook · 21/07/2019 16:20

I would say nothing at this point, unless/until it emerges that he is not accepting your 'lack of interest' signal. You handled it, and from what you say it would be a pity to end something that is important to your DH at a vulnerable time for a flirtations approach which will (you hope) prove to be an insignificant one-off.

Obviously, all bets are off if he keeps pursuing you.

user1480880826 · 21/07/2019 16:21

Why haven’t you said something to A? You need to explain how inappropriate it is and that if it doesn’t stop you’ll need to tell your partner which will probably mean an end to their friendship.

Paramicha · 21/07/2019 16:38

If he's any kind of musician he'll soon find someone else, he should advertise and tell potential partners the gigs in the book.
If he's a wannabe then surely you are more important than a mid life hobby.

Stormwhale · 21/07/2019 16:42

I would without doubt tell my husband. To be honest I would have said the first time I felt uncomfortable, so it wasn't this huge thing.

ContactLight · 21/07/2019 16:51

He's doing it to boost his own ego, it's an Alpha male thing. And it happens a lot where musicians are concerned.

The trouble with the OP saying to A that he needs to pack it in or she will tell her partner, is that A will then threaten to tell the partner that it is she who is flirting and making passes at him, not the other way round.

Big dose of casual grey rock ignoring and staying out of the way of A for a while is what's needed here, I think. And block him on WhattsApp.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/07/2019 16:59

I would try to hold off for the moment for the sake of your partner. If you can make it obvious you’re not interested he may back down. Do keep safe and ensure you are not alone with him. If he doesn’t you are going to have to have the difficult conversation.

Years ago dhs friend tried it on with me. We stayed over at his place. I didn’t tell dh until years later because we didn’t live near this guy and it wasn’t any point. We saw him once with his partner a few years later. It was really odd and I decided I didn’t want to see him again because I didn’t like how he treated me, ergo women.... or dh.

Your situation is different and if he doesn’t stop you’re going to have to distance yourselves from him.

Saracen · 21/07/2019 16:59

Given how much your DH is getting from this partnership, I would see if it is possible to avoid telling him, so he can carry on with it. Would the following work?

"I just don't like him. I don't feel comfortable with him. I can't put my finger on it. He sort of gives me the creeps. There's probably nothing wrong with him really, but I can't make myself like him.

Of course I don't want this to stop the two of you making music together, but I am going to avoid his company. So when he comes round to our house to rehearse I will probably not hang around with you guys. I might go out, or watch Netflix in the bedroom instead."

To avoid drama you could greet him briefly when he arrives, and then make yourself scarce.

pinkyredrose · 21/07/2019 17:14

If you don't tell him and he finds out later won't he be upset you didn't tell him at the time? He really deserves to know what kind of person he's spending time with. Surely he'd be upset thinking his mate is sleazing on his wife plus if you don't mention it what's to stop the mate ramping up his efforts.

You'd tell him if a stranger was inappropriate, the fact that it's a 'mate' makes it even more important that he knows.