Do I tell DP about inappropriate friend

[Oscalina]

Have namechanged, and this is more of a WWYD.

My DP has in the last few months started doing music and performing with another man, (I’ll call him A) who has been round to ours regularly to rehearse.

Afterwards we’ll normally have a coffee or couple of drinks together at the house and chat, so we’re on friendly terms. A while ago my DP wanted to show A a video of some guitar performance he’d recorded but didn’t have his phone, and I had it on mine so I whatsapped it to A.

A couple of days later A sent me some chatty messages in WhatsApp which I replied to in a friendly way, but they started becoming a bit flirty from his end and I stopped replying as I felt uncomfortable. He then happened to be in a group of people we bumped into at the local pub and DP and I said a quick hi but didn’t sit very near. Later in the evening as I was on the way back from the loo he was standing nearby on his own and stopped me to chat, his body language and things he was saying (complimenting me in quite a suggestive way, staring intensely etc.) gave me the impression he was trying it on. So I just brushed him off and left and went home with DP.

So now I feel really fucking awkward - do I just ignore him and hope he’s got the message that I’m not interested and he stops, or do I tell DP? If I tell him then I doubt he’ll want to carry on doing music with him which would be a shame as he’s been really struggling with low mood for a while and this has lifted him considerably. I also really hate any kind of drama and gossip and I know this kind of thing can get around a small community like ours as everyone has been really complimentary about the music they’ve been performing together so would notice if they suddenly stop and aren’t talking or whatever. So in a way it’d be easier not to say anything.

But if I don’t tell him it’s like a) I’m keeping something secret from him and b) I’m protecting A when he doesn’t deserve it. I would then probably have to explain to my DP why I don’t want to hang out with A anymore as I’m really bad at hiding how I feel about people and he would notice if I went from friendly to cool (at best) with him. I’m really pissed of with A for putting me in this position and for being so willing to do that to my lovely trusting, trustworthy DP. What a prick.

Really not sure what to do

Block him and say to him that you have done so and that you don’t think it’s appropriate. Do this in front of your dh.

I would give him one more chance ie to demonstrate by his behaviour that he has got the message ... if he still makes you feel uncomfortable then tell your H. You can always say look, I didn’t say anything before, thought I was imaging it, but your mate seems to be trying it on with me and I’m felling uncomfortable.

Ok, thank you all for your responses

Similar thing happened to me. Just a wee bit flirty, made me a bit uncomfortable. If I had been young, single and in a bar he there would be no doubt he was interested. I felt particularly uncomfortable as he was sometimes round our house due to DC stuff (DDs did the same sport - pick up/drops off always seemed to involve him coming in for a bit).

By DH and the "A" in my story got on well and it was a friendship he valued.

I told DH. I did it in a "non-accusatory-of-A" kind of way so that DH could continue the friendship. So a "I am probably being really silly, and it is just who A is - friendly/chatty kind of guy - but I feel a bit odd an uncomfortable around him." I made it very low-key. Asked DH for advice, laughed about it a bit.

It helped as I felt better talking about it. DH realised that he needed to redirect the friendship away from home - so he and A now meet elsewhere. Also he hung around at the DD sport drop off thing a few weeks so he was "there". And we were very touchy feely (not in a really gross PDA way - but in a happily married, touching shoulder, holding hands kind of way).

Nothing overt said to A. But it seems to have done the trick.

I am still slightly wary - but not to the same degree.

Say something. But don't make a massive "him-or-me" drama out of it - it really doesn't have to be that kind of choice for your DP.

I would wait until after the rehearsal, because cancelling last minute or having to go through that conversation right before the rehearsal is adding extra stress due to the time pressure and may possibly spread gossip/raise flags. But I would tell him, because as previous people have said it will come out and if you haven't told him, it won't look good and your partner might be upset (I would be if I were him). Plus his friend is betraying him, I would want to know if it were me

If one of your friends was trying it on with him would you want him to tell you?

It looks more suspicious if you’re not transparent imo.

Simple solution is to be out every time he comes round.

I think your partner should be told. And if he’s doing this with you behind your partner’s back, what else might he do?
My ex was in a band and he found out his band mate used to set up gigs but lie about how much they’d been paid, so he could give the other guys less money.

I’d tell A not to be sleazy.
If it continues after you absolutely made it clear then tell DH.
A probably does it to everyone, no excuse but he’ll move on to the next one.

I'd drop it in casually. 'Is A coming round tomorrow? Better make myself scarce he's a bit of a creep. Could be something or nothing but he doesn't seem to know where the line is' and leave it there.

If DH questions this then show him the WhatsApp messages.

It happens. A builder of ours was like that but I made sure DH was in the loop because he made me feel vulnerable. He was never booked again.

What winterisstillcoming suggested, no need to make a big deal out of it, just keep it casual and give you DH the heads up, it will make you feel better and more in control!

I prefer telling DH something along the lines of
“It may be me but he makes me feel uncomfortable in our home. Nothing I can put my finger on but “. . .

Pretty much what Badbadbadperson said really. Hopefully this will enable DH to find a way forwards with music but keep this person out of your home. I hate the idea of you needing to hide in your home when he visits. Home is where you need to feel and be safe.
If a subtle approach fails you can always go nuclear next time.

Tell your DP. As it stands now, you and A have a secret together.

I wouldn't tell him at the moment and hope A gets the message pretty soon. Maybe a straightforward, 'I'm not interested' conversation is in order?

Only if the pestering continues would I say something.

If you tell DP he is going to be the one to suffer, not you or A. He will lose out on an interest which is helping his low mood, and possibly be at the centre of unpleasant gossip.

Keeping it from him isn't a major issue of trust as you are not the one doing anything wrong.

Also you don't appear to be a fragile flower who needs DP to protect your honour. Just tell A to eff off and only tell DP if you are feeling really uncomfortable around A

Simple solution is to be out every time he comes round.

FFS! Was this written by a woman?
Because it's bad enough when MEN make out that women should take responsibility for men's poor behaviour.

Simple solution is for the friend to stop behaving like a sleazeball.
NOT for the OP to have to modify her own behaviour. Or does the PP who wrote the above response also feel that women should also not walk outside at night, or wear anything that shows a few inches of skin?

Thanks @mussolini9 I agree the solution should not be for me to leave my own home 🙄

Anyway he cancelled tonight, maybe he’s realised I’m definitely not playing along and he’s on dangerous territory so we’ll see. Hopefully this is the end of it. (But hopefully not the end of the music stuff for him and DP)