To think you shouldn’t treat a 5 month old like this?

[ScoopsAhoy]

I was at a family meet up earlier this week, just in one of the local pubs. A couple (who I’ll call John and Sue, and are part of my extended family) have a lovely little 5 month old boy, that, when they’re not trying to palm off on someone else, shut in his pram with the cover over so he screams in the dark.
The baby was screaming almost solidly for over 3 hours in the pub; John or Sue would take him out of the pram, jiggle him for a couple of minutes then pass him on to the next person until the child had done a route round the entire table, back to his parents. Who would then put him in his pram still crying, pull the cover over so it was dark and jiggle it vigorously. When this didn’t work they would tut and roll their eyes at each other and the process would begin again.
To give some backstory, at a family do a couple of months ago I noticed John buggered off to socialise, leaving Sue with their baby. Sue passed him over to my cousin and went off herself. Eventually cousin gave Sue her child back, Sue passed him over to someone else and the whole process was repeated.
I have a child myself so I get you sometimes need a break, it’s hard. But when you’re child is clearly in distress they probably want mum or dad not to be passed around a whole group of people.
Fully prepared to be flamed but AIBU to think it’s just a bit cruel and bloody parent your child yourself?

Sorry for the length!

YANBU since having my DC I feel a physical ache when I see/read things like this. That's completely shit parenting IMO and if your child is distressed like that at five months you should definitely go home!

I'm wondering why the baby would be crying for 3 whole hours? Did they feed him? Has he got reflux? Does he only sleep when held? Either way it's not normal and I would be so stressed if it was my child and would do all I could to calm him, as would any decent parent. Poor baby.

3 hours of a screaming child in a pub?

Wow yanbu

I wouldn’t have been able to stay there listening to that

I think you are being unreasonable to judge their parenting on such a small snapshot of their day. I say this as a parent of two children both of whom had severe reflux and cried excessively. Sometimes every parent needs a break and a family occasion is ideal to pass the baby round and give your arms a rest from rocking them.

Try offering support not judgement

Sometimes a cranky baby will settle really well with someone else because they're calm & not bothered, whereas their parents are frazzled & the baby picks up on the tension & screams more & longer. Is the baby teething too? I'd cut them some slack & offer to help with holding & pram juggling: maybe the baby settles quicker in darker places so they put the cover on. It's good to socialise babies with different people.

AIBU to think it’s just a bit cruel and bloody parent your child yourself?
Maybe you should suggest that to them then.

I agree with Sunday38.
YAU to judge parenting on two occasions which tbf are not typical ( in a social setting).
My middle DC was a crying baby (and labelled as such by a specialist after months of tests and hospital stays). 20 years ago and I still remember the awful way I felt when people assumed I was a shit Mum.

Oh take your horrible judgy pants off and leave them alone. You have no idea what they're going through in all the other hours you don't see them. I assume you are a perfect parent if you have kids, and are otherwise perfect in every way?

Sure, it's probably not ideal. It's also probably none of your business.

Really hard to tell from that.

Obviously there are parents who fall massively short of what their kids need and do neglect/abuse them. And much of that does happen right under people's noses.

But there are also plenty of parents with really hard work high needs babies that will scream day and night regardless of where they are. In that case, going out to a pub garden where lots of your close friends and family can share the load and you can get a bit of respite is fine isn't it?

If you do think they are in the former category rather than the latter then I'd keep a close eye for a while and go from there.

So what did you do or say to help?

The baby could have severe reflux and screams all day and night.

I admit I would have judged based on how my son was as a baby. My daughter was the complete opposite to my son, she had severe reflux, milk allergy and just screamed all day and nothing comforted her. Should we have never left the house?

It's hard when you've got a crier and nothing consoles them.

As said it's difficult to say.

I look after a baby who gives off a terrible cry when she is fighting her sleep.

I've looked after a few that need certain conditions to sleep.

I wouldn't judge from one evening with them.

Surely he was tired and needed a nap? Three hours awake time at five months is quite a long time.

I think YABU to judge them TBH, but it must have been upsetting to see a baby cryi for three hours solid.

Sunday38 and MrsTommyBanks this is not just two occasions. I provided another example to indicate it’s not a one off, but it happens a lot. Child cries, parents hand him over to someone/ stick in pram then bugger off whilst child is still upset.
Baby does not have reflux, and does not cry when being held by parents. I think he just wants to be held a lot, which can be tiring I get that.

Did they feed the baby?
I would have wanted one of them to feck off with baby to try and walk it to sleep, so I didn't have to listen to that. Sometimes you can't sit in the pub with your mates post children.

@paffuto- what did I do to help? I took their baby for nearly an hour, calmed him down and passed him back to mum. Who promptly stick him in pram and wandered off.

YABVVU!

That's exactly how you should treat a 5 month old baby

All the best parenting books recommend this

Meanwhile back in the real world...

Dd has a strict bedtime routine and anything out of the ordinary sends her into a screaming fit. She is a very happy, content baby and will go to anyone and rarely cries, however, because she likes to go to bed at the same time every day any time we are out past bed time it usually results in her screaming and becoming overtired and fretting until she finally falls asleep.

The first time it happened I was mortified, embarrassed and uncomfortable, and if I’m honest seriously considered never ever going out past 7pm ever again. That isn’t practical though, and I’m sure if we did this Dd would never get used to falling asleep anywhere other than in her cot and this would cause us untold issues.

We had a family meal recently and I was very nervous, she did fuss a little but after the last time I was more readily prepared and it was easier.

IMO being out in a different environment can bring out behaviours in your baby that you aren’t used to or prepared for, and additionally when this happens you can be left wondering what the best thing to do is (the first time I was torn between trying to get the baby to calm down to prove I’m not a bad parent and wondering if I should go home and not attempt to leave the house for the next 18 years). It may be best to offer support, not judgement, it could very well be that this is the only time the baby behaves this way.

Well, lucky other people in the pub!

YABU

If Babe has been fed and changed ,then they are maybe just trying to get some social time .However if in the dark in a pub probably not best place to sleep!.Noisy and rather bright!.Could you offer to babysit perhaps ?.Then you can give them some time off ,and see how baby settles at home with you?

The child sounds overtired (a 5 month old would be if he were awake for three hours straight) and they probably needed to be at home, instead of at the pub.

Sounds like they're having trouble letting go of their old life, but sometimes that is necessary with DC, particularly in year one. (Well, most times really!)

@dottiedodah, I do babysit a couple of times a week, so John and Sue can go to pub for dinner and to gym/ yoga. My DD loves their DS so it’s no skin off my nose and we only live round the corner.
@Luckingfovely don’t be ridiculous. Of course I don’t think I’m perfect. And I realise it sounds judgemental but that’s because it is. I don’t think it’s great. And to be honest I’m not sure how I could approach this in a ‘supportive’ manner that wouldn’t seem judgy.

@WorraLiberty, quite happily in the real world thanks. Dunno where you are..

Babies change constantly, everyone knows this - of course deciding not to inflict an evening of miserable screaming on your overtired baby and listening to miserable screaming on other people won't cause"untold issues"

If your kids don't do well out of routine as babies just take them home - being a martyr isn't making life as easy and pleasant as possible for yourself and your baby, being a martyr is juggling your miserable child so you can attempt to prove to your extended family or friends how excellently laid back you are and that you still put them first above your baby and your own comfort. In truth going with your baby's needs would be more laid back and pleasanter for everyone.

Reflux babies need holding upright - I had one. Lying them flat in a pram in a noisy unfamiliar place and "jiggling" them is cruel. If the baby had reflux it should have been held upright or in asking. If it just needed a nap one or both parents should have taken it home.

Extended family are often partly to blame for pressuring new parents to attend evening social gatherings which cause stress if you don't have a chilled/ passive/ adaptable/ lethargic baby.

Leaving or declining to attend a social gathering because your baby is unsettled / you know they don't do well in the evening should never result in tooth sucking and tutting from relatives with some kind of perverse school of had knocks attitude to baby rearing, yet oddly that is exactly what happens often.