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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think the DH just wants me for sex

29 replies

InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:30

DH and I have been together for 5 years. His communication skills have never been great but over the last year or so they've become.. well.. shit! He will quite happily entertain himself but never seems to want to do anything with me.

If I sit down next to him in the evening and start to chat to him he falls asleep! Which I think is so bloody rude! The only thing he ever suggests doing with me is having sex!

It's making me totally paranoid and really annoyed/lonely. I can hold great conversations and do activities with other people and have even asked others if they think I'm boring because he's making me feel that way!

I know for sure he's not cheating. He just seems so wrapped up in himself all of the time. The only time he seems interested in me is when he's trying to get me to sleep with him, which is like all of the time! I don't want to have sex more than we do really, which is like 2-3 times a week. Why can't we do coupley things!!

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 23:31

Have you actually talked to him about this?

Thehop · 20/07/2019 23:32

Have you spoken to him during the day? When he’s not tired?

There could be a reason, but I honestly would hate this and struggle to find the relationship attractive.

MrsTerryPratchett · 20/07/2019 23:35

Any kids? Stress?

iloveruby · 20/07/2019 23:36

Urgh, this sounds awful. What is keeping you with him?

Leeds2 · 20/07/2019 23:39

Assuming that you both don't work at the weekend, how would he react if you planned, or suggested, a trip out? Be it a trip to the seaside, afternoon at a museum, evening at the cinema?

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:40

@Aquamarine1029 I have in a nice subtle way yes. I said to him a little while ago "Shall we do something together?" and he said "Well I already suggested doing something with you" which was as I said before - having sex!

@MrsTerryPratchett kids and only the usual stresses everyone else has

@Thehop Yeah I have tried morning, noon and night. He's always just doing his own thing or trying to!

OP posts:
Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:42

@Leeds2 I always suggest stuff and then it just ends up not happening! I don't drive (can't due to medication driving laws) so DH does the driving but I offer to pay to train/bus/taxi it sometimes.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 20/07/2019 23:43

Cock Lodger IMO.

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:44

We can't even do what I would class as normal things like shopping at the weekend. He complains non stop "See this is why I hate shopping with the kids" "Is this the last place we need to go?" Grumbling the whole time! The kids are so well behaved too so I don't know what he has to bitch about!

OP posts:
Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:45

@elephantoverthehill what's a cock lodger??

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 23:47

Why are you wasting your time being subtle? It's time for a real conversation. He can't read your mind so how are you expecting things to change?

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 20/07/2019 23:49

@Aquamarine1029 maybe subtle is the wrong word - I mean nice, without trying to sound bitchy

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 23:51

Asserting yourself and expressing your needs is not "bitchy."

elephantoverthehill · 20/07/2019 23:53

in need A cock lodger is someone who provides sex and not much else.

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 21/07/2019 00:03

@elephantoverthehill oh Confused. Never heard of that expression!

@Aquamarine1029. OK, well I'm obviously not going about the the right way. What should I be saying? I have run out of ideas Sad

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2019 00:11

I'm very sorry if I was blunt.

madcatladyforever · 21/07/2019 00:15

The thought of being with someone whose only interest in me in sex is terrifying.
I could not tolerate them, for a start I'd withdraw all sex until he at least agreed to talk to me and tell me why he has no inrterest in me or the kids.
Then I'd LTB quite honestly.

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 21/07/2019 00:15

@elephantoverthehill You weren't. It's kind of what it feels like at the moment anyway!

OP posts:
MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2019 00:16

He doesn't seem to like family life but is too lazy/scared to leave.

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 21/07/2019 00:18

@madcatladyforever I wouldn't mind if he wanted sex everyday as much if he was giving me something else as well. For the brief moments before and after sex he is like the perfect, charming husband but otherwise he's just so disinterested! One of my friends even made a comment about him always busying himself doing his own thing.

OP posts:
MissConductUS · 21/07/2019 00:19

I've found that the best way of doing something like this without sounding critical is to phrase it in terms of the impact on you. As in, "I need to do normal things with you other than sex to feel close to you." or "When the only activity you'd like to share with me is sex, that makes me feel that you don't value or appreciate me".

This approach gets the issue clearly on the table without being accusatory or "bitchy".

I learned the term "cock lodger" here on MN too, but I'm a Yank.

Original poster
InNeedOfConversation · 21/07/2019 00:19

@MrsTerryPratchett My Dad is like that. The more I look at DH, the more I see my Dad Confused and I don't mean that in a creepy way. They like the idea of family but not the actuality. It's almost like the emotional side is too much effort.

OP posts:
elephantoverthehill · 21/07/2019 00:20

If that is the case, you know the answer already

maras2 · 21/07/2019 00:23

Was he like this before you married?

MrsTerryPratchett · 21/07/2019 00:27

Oh dear. You have some thinking and straight talking to do.