*trigger warning* How to tell DP

[Changedmyname22]

Name changed for this:

8 years ago, I was a 20 year old girl and was going through a rough patch with my partner we had been together for 4 years and engaged for 1. He was 27 and was looking to settle down but I was rebelling, going out a lot, drinking etc but had never cheated.

One night I was at a house party of a work colleague let’s call him Alan he was a 39 year old man, everyone who I worked with was there and we were all having a great time. There were 4 of us left at the end of the night drinking and dancing, my best friend at the time and her partner who both worked with me and Alan. They went off to bed and it was just me and him, we had a great relationship, had brilliant banter and I wasn’t afraid or uncomfortable being alone with him. The next thing I knew I was barely conscious I was like drunk asleep and I was aware he was having sex with me, I was too drunk to do anything but I know it was real. The next morning it wasn’t mentioned, he was acting normal, I acted normal and everyone was laughing and chatting about what a great night we had had. I blanked it out.

The next thing was me and my partner called our engagement off we wanted different things I felt I was too young to settle down and I wanted to be young free and single. Alan was very supportive at work along with everyone else when I was going through my break up. He started calling down to my house to see how I was as I was living alone. We started having sex and did so on and off for about 2 years. I always put what happened to the back of my mind. At the same time I was having a lot of casual sex, one night stands i felt I was making up for lost time as I was tied down before.

I am now with the love of my life, we have known each other for about 7 years, been in a relationship for about 4 years now. We are currently TTC our first child. He knew about my wild times as he was pretty much my friend throughout this time, he knew about my casual sex with Alan. I have recently acknowledged and accepted that what happened to me at that house party that night was rape, but yet I had sex with this man a lot after that. I want to tel DP about that happened but I don’t know how. I’m worried he will think I’m an idiot for not realising this at the time and being angry with me for putting myself in that position. Any advice? If you got through my story thank you for reading.

If he is a good man he won't think of you any different, other than to perhaps see you as even stronger a person than he realised.

Don't let some of the responses on here put you off. It's very easy to judge when you're sat warm and comfy behind a phone or a keyboard. I hope they find it so easy to judge because they haven't been raped so it comes from ignorance

You have already said, that telling your partner now. would maybe upset him. But maybe it wouldn't. it is the past,and was your life then. Its unwise to relate things as such,to new partners, things from your past etc. It serves no useful purpose.. Just be positive, and don't let the past bother you so much, you have something new and better now.

I'm really sorry this happened to you and that you've been living with it on your own all this time.

but yet I had sex with this man a lot after that

Others have said it, but I'd like to reinforce that this is not an unusual reaction. As was pretending to be fine and carrying on as normal afterwards. All it means is that you're human.

Least of all as a 20 year old who'd gotten into a very intense sounding relationship with a 23 year old man as a 16 year old child, had just been raped by someone twice her age who by the sounds of it targeted and manipulated her afterwards.

Trauma rarely manifests in the stereotyped way many people imagine. It's normal for it to only come to the surface and demand your attention for healing many years later.

Have you looked at Rape Crisis or other organisations that could help support you as you begin processing all of this?

Alan took advantage of you, you didn't know how to deal with it, so tried to normalise it by having consensual sex with him.
Alan is a predator, talk to your partner, these feeling will raise their ugly head over and over.
I am glad you found a good partner, who was previously your friend.
Alan is a grooming scumbag. He hoped you didn't remember he knew he sexually assaulted you, I am sorry OP.

1forAll74 I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you're well intentioned albeit misinformed.

That is not how trauma works. It doesn't go away because you plaster a smile on your face and adopt an enforced "positive attitude".

Trauma isn't in the past. It's actually caused when memories of experiences that were so traumatic the brain couldn't process them in the way it does everyday experiences and therefore cannot recognise that they are in the past. As far as the brain is concerned they are still occurring in the present.

Hence, for example, flashbacks where it feels like that past experience is happening again in the present.

That's not about mental attitude or choices. It's a matter of how our brains work and those normal processes and functions being disrupted. It needs treating appropriately like any injury, not to be brushed under the carpet.

You have nothing to be ashamed of at all. Talk to your partner and maybe look into getting some professional help. When you work through your emotions it may be clearer to you what you want to do about it, if anything at all.
Remember you were very young at the time and it sounds like you were confused and maybe vulnerable after the attack.

OP, the Freedom Programme may also help you with processing and making sense of what happened with Alan. Www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

Oh my lovely, you have nothing to feel ashamed or embarrassed about.

I was raped and didn't immediately end the relationship with the man who raped me. I wanted to pretend it hadn't happened. I was confused as to whether it even was rape (it was).

I have told my two subsequent partners and neither of them judged me. They wanted to rip the man's head off but didn't feel any differently towards me at all.

I understand why you want to tell your DP. To not do can sometimes feel like keeping back a big secret and that can make us feel guilty. If you want to tell him then do so. If he did react negatively, then he wouldn't be the man you believe him to be. Better to find that out now. I do think that you will feel better to get it off your chest, and bet your DP is totally supportive.

You take care

I hope you're happy with your new relationship but no matter how good it is you really don't have to tell him about every little detail of your past life. Some things are best left. What good would it do? Is there anyone else who is trustworthy who you can confide in? Many of us have skeletons rattling away in our closets. Best leave them there.

To be honest, op, I don't think you have anything to worry about. You weren't with your current partner when this happened and you just want to get it off your chest. That seems reasonable. I would just say "something happened to me and I would like to talk to you about it to get my head clear' and tell him what happened. None of this so your fault.
If I were you I would also seek some kind of counselling/talking therapy. Even just a couple of sessions to just thrash it out and keep your mind at ease. Talking is great for the soul.

OP I want to second what a few have already said here: Any partner worth their salt will not think of you ANY DIFFERENTLY AT ALL, except that you are perhaps even stronger and more awesome than they realised.

I had a conversation with my now DH some years ago along these lines. I was so ashamed and guilt ridden and felt so "ruined" that I was a bag of snotty tears and absolutely shocked when he said "Why would you think I'd love you any less? He was an arsehole. I'm so sorry that happened".

And that was pretty much the end of the conversation.

We talk about it on and off, as things come up, even now. It's such a non issue in our relationship that this feels very normal and every day now.

I am in no way minimising this for you. I completely understand how all-consuming this feels to you now. But the point is that this doesn't define you as much as you think it does, if at all. This experience was horrific but it holds no power. You do. And with a supportive partner, time and appropriate help you will feel that way too.

My only caution would be to make sure you are strong enough to deal with your partner being furious with Alan, or not responding the way you hope he will straight away. Have a plan if this happens, like somewhere nice you can take yourself for a few hours (to lunch with a friend, a bath, a walk, whatever floats your boat) to let him get himself together.

As for starting the conversation, I would choose a time when you have nothing important planned to do for a good while and simply say "I want to tell you about something that happened before we became a couple. It doesn't change anything about who we are or how I feel about you but it's important to me that you know. Please be patient with me for a minute while I explain it to you. I might get upset but that's not directed at you".

That's what I would say because I know myself and my husband. But you are the expert on you, and I have no doubt that you will find the words that are right for you.

Good luck OP.

I agree with ChazsBrilliantAttitude
I think you should seek some support from the professionals first before you tell your partner. Telling people you love something like this is hard when you are still coming to terms with it yourself because you can end up being upset about their reactions. I don't mean that he's going to be horrible or hate you but it won't be easy for him to hear and he will probably feel very upset (for you not at you if he is the good man you say he is, I'm sure that he is).
I'm really sorry this happened to you OP and I hope you can find some peace and come to terms with it all.
I wish you all the best for a happy future with a loving partner.

Would you consider working this through with a counselor first, then telling him?