*trigger warning* How to tell DP

[Changedmyname22]

Name changed for this:

8 years ago, I was a 20 year old girl and was going through a rough patch with my partner we had been together for 4 years and engaged for 1. He was 27 and was looking to settle down but I was rebelling, going out a lot, drinking etc but had never cheated.

One night I was at a house party of a work colleague let’s call him Alan he was a 39 year old man, everyone who I worked with was there and we were all having a great time. There were 4 of us left at the end of the night drinking and dancing, my best friend at the time and her partner who both worked with me and Alan. They went off to bed and it was just me and him, we had a great relationship, had brilliant banter and I wasn’t afraid or uncomfortable being alone with him. The next thing I knew I was barely conscious I was like drunk asleep and I was aware he was having sex with me, I was too drunk to do anything but I know it was real. The next morning it wasn’t mentioned, he was acting normal, I acted normal and everyone was laughing and chatting about what a great night we had had. I blanked it out.

The next thing was me and my partner called our engagement off we wanted different things I felt I was too young to settle down and I wanted to be young free and single. Alan was very supportive at work along with everyone else when I was going through my break up. He started calling down to my house to see how I was as I was living alone. We started having sex and did so on and off for about 2 years. I always put what happened to the back of my mind. At the same time I was having a lot of casual sex, one night stands i felt I was making up for lost time as I was tied down before.

I am now with the love of my life, we have known each other for about 7 years, been in a relationship for about 4 years now. We are currently TTC our first child. He knew about my wild times as he was pretty much my friend throughout this time, he knew about my casual sex with Alan. I have recently acknowledged and accepted that what happened to me at that house party that night was rape, but yet I had sex with this man a lot after that. I want to tel DP about that happened but I don’t know how. I’m worried he will think I’m an idiot for not realising this at the time and being angry with me for putting myself in that position. Any advice? If you got through my story thank you for reading.

BigRedLondonBus

You horrible, horrible, person

@BigRedLondonBus bore off with your victim blaming, you should be ashamed of yourself.

OP, you are brave and I understand why you'd want to tell the person you love about a major trauma in your life that you're recently coming to terms with. Another poster's suggestion of writing it down is a good one.

Take no notice of anyone being unsupportive here

When I was 17 something similar happened to me. I’ve never told anyone as I was so drunk it’s a complete blur I sort of didn’t beleive it happened but he later rang my home and blurted out what he had done to my mum. I denied it happened and said he made it up. (He didn’t say he raped me. He said we had set). I am now 54 and have never told anyone else and to be honest I don’t think I ever will. I partly blamed myself for being so drunk. I have only slept with 2 other people apart from him and blanked it out. I can see you want to share it with your DP but think about your reasons for doing so and whether it will help.

"The next thing I knew I was barely conscious I was like drunk asleep" - sounds like he could have slipped something in your drink to be honest. In any case: IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, and yes, if too drunk to consent, there are really no two ways about it, that is rape. And it doesn't matter you slept with him willingly before or afterwards - you would not be the only victim who did. Our minds are great at suppressing stuff, or compartmentalising it. Maybe at some sub-conscious level you wanted to redress the balance of power. It doesn't matter. I am so sorry this happened to you. If you want to tell your partner, do; be totally honest that you don't fully understand it either, but that this does not mean it didn't happen or wasn't serious.

Just to be clear I don't think you shouldn't tell him you absolutely should if that's what you feel you want/need to do. I just think maybe talking it all through with a professional who is trained in supporting people, might help you find a) the way you want to do it and b) support you after with any feelings you have about opening up.

That, right there is why the conviction rate is so low, why many women don’t report it because fuckwits like bigreflondonbus will say ‘but you was sleeping with him afterwards’ (it’s also ‘were’ not ‘was’)

You're very brave to come here, and even braver to want to share it with your partner. An idea might be to sit down with him, face to face, making sure the TV is off and his focus is on you. Try to come up with a first line, so to speak, something like "I really need to talk to you about something", then explain it as you have here, word for word if need be. Regardless of what other posters said, this was rape, and you have nothing to be ashamed of, certainly not because you continued to have sex with him afterwards, and if your DP is any sort of a decent person he'll know that and respond with understanding.

I've been with my DH 11 years, and there's still things I haven't told him yet, but stuff does come out from time to time.

It’s scary because you're afraid of being judged, what he will think of you.

Don't automatically think he's a dick if he doesn't quite understand though. Some men/women haven't got a fecking clue when it comes to rape. There's a shit tonne of myths out there which people believe.

It was rape. You didn't consent. It was not your fault. Reality takes years to hit home

Stop ripping RedBus apart, you sound like vultures

Oh get a grip
You know a poster is an utter troglodyte when they come back with that witty retort.

you sound like vultures
Yet you’re belittling OPs experience, and victim blaming. Maybe go away, get some compassion, and have a think about what your attitude can do to a person opening up their vulnerability.

I would suggest that you go for counselling over this, and possibly seek to involve your DP in the counselling later on. Use that as a a way to approach the subject: you are seeking counselling over something that happened a long time ago and how you are starting to feel about it and process it now. A counsellor will help you to find the right words, as well as come to terms with it.
I had something happen to me a long, long time ago. It took me 11 years to even acknowledge it, I can’t recommend counselling enough. There are a lot of things to work through here, for you, not your DP.

He definitely raped you and may even have spiked your drink to facilitate it.

He sounds completely sleazy.

I agree with VBT2 that you should go to counselling, for all the reasons advised.

Ripping her apart! She’s just more or less said that when the OP was raped she wasn’t really. That is the kind of attitude that means rapists get off Scot free and can go on to do the same again. Vulnerable women are scared to come forward about sexual abuse because they then get blamed. It is nicer a victims fault. So she slept with him later when she was going through a hard time. That does not give him the right to have sex with someone who was passed out!

• never a victims fault, rage typing does me no favours.

Changedmyname22 I am so sorry this happened to you.

I think most people realise that humans are very complex and there could be a lot of reasons why you engaged in a relationship with a man who did this to you. Maybe you were hoping, on some subconscious level, to wipe out what happened to you.

"I actually don’t know why I want to tell him, the need to tell him is overwhelming me though." If you want to tell him, then please do. It is best to get these things off your chest. If he behaves in a less than supportive way you may view him differently, and it would be better to know this before committing to marriage and kids with him. IMHO. You may still commit to marriage and kids but you would at least know that he knew your situation and it was out in the open, if you want this, then do tell him.

However, I think it may be worth getting some counselling for you, first, to understand for yourself why you buried this information, why you kept going with a 'relationship' with this man etc. In many ways it does make sense that you did this, because, as I say, people are complex.

OP please ignore the comments that are really offensive and unhelpful om this thread. The fact some people are ignorant and do not understand how people can react in very stressful and difficult situations is not your fault, what happened was not your fault. None of this is your fault and you must do what you feel is best for you.

XXXX

So she slept with him later when she was going through a hard time.
The OP may want to explore (ideally with a counsellor, as mentioned above) whether or not this was a defensive tactic to legitimise the earlier encounter, or to feel a sense of agency/control over the relationship, rather than acknowledge what happened at the time as rape. There are many illogical and confusing ways you may react when something like this happens, it really isn’t an easy or straightforward thing to process, especially not in the moment.

You didn't consent so it was rape. You say you had a lots of sex and casual one night stands. I say this in the nicest way, were there other times when you slept with other men while you were drunk? Or are you saying that night with Alan was the trigger for you promiscuity? I really think you need to talk to someone but I'm not sure it should be your partner.

Is you partner definitely the one? Has he committed to you - do you have plans to marry or buy a home together? A baby will not take all the pain of your past away. Before trying to conceive please consider very carefully - you are emotionally scarred it may be better for you to have counselling first.

I wish you luck and hope that you can come to terms with the bad stuff, move on and embrace all the good that life has in store for you.

Sometimes it's best to put all the crap into a box and put a lid firmly on it.

Those are questions her partner would be asking as well.

Not unless he’s a complete twat.

I don’t know why people are asking why OP wants to tell her partner. Does she need a reason? Other than she just wants to? And as for the comments about how she slept with this bloke after he raped her, it’s not fucking relevant. Whatever happened afterwards does not magically undo what went before. And “what went before” was that OP woke up in a drunken daze to find this man penetrating her. That’s rape. Or are you saying that’s consensual, legal sex?

The way in which victims respond to sexual assault and rape can seem strange to those who haven’t experienced it, or haven’t experienced the particular reaction in question to it. Men like this are very clever. His “acting normal” the next morning was very deliberately designed to make OP think that what happened was normal. It’s very difficult to explain unless you’ve lived it. Thankfully most people are capable of demonstrating compassion even when they don’t have first hand experience of something. Most people know that responses to trauma can be many and varied, and that they don’t always appear logical, but that it’s unkind to judge the way someone handles it. Unfortunately you do come across the odd arse as well.

Please OP do not ignore this. It's come into your mind now and maybe you are finally in a place to deal with it. It does not need to define you in any way.

You may or may not choose to tell your dp but please do seek help for yourself in relation to this. In terms of coming to terms with what happened etc and moving on.

Totally agree with WhatsInAName19. I've very fortunately not experienced sexual assault but it doesn't take a genius to realize that there are a lot of different ways that people can react to any kind of trauma. People are all so different and there is not one standard response.

The OP does not need a reason why she wants to tell her dh. But I think OP you feel you need a talk about this and you should not ignore that feeling. You are very brave and I sincerely hope you can get the help you need.

That you love & trust your partner deeply is not the issue, but your compulsion to share this sorry matter is.

I think feeling ‘sorry’ is key to this & the person you want to make amends with is the person who you were then & the situation you were in.

The love between you & your partner is special & you are TTC to bring a child into your family - this is a wonderful time of your life but you have unfinished business that is niggling at you. No doubt you & your partner talk everything over about your lives now BUT in this instance this is not something to bring to him.

You need to talk this through with Counsellor who supports victims of rape. Because this matter is complicated & you need someone who understands how people manage their lives after rape & can help you work through your feelings, uncertainties, doubts & guilt. Turn to a person who trained to help you in a confidential non-judgemental setting rather than risk damaging your relationship. I am not saying keep the counselling secret.

Better to resolve your complex feelings now & look to your future with a happier heart unburdened by what happened long ago.

OP I think you should consider some counselling before discussing with your partner. Give yourself time to process it and get your own feelings clear before potentially having to deal with your partner’s reaction eg if he gets very upset for you or wants to go and kill Alan could you cope with that right now.

As for your subsequent relationship with Alan there are plenty of reasons why that could have been a self preservation mechanism kicking in so please understand that perhaps that was the only way you could have coped at the time.