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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To feel like shite?

33 replies

Feellikeshite · 20/07/2019 19:29

MN regular, NC here. DH has a type and it’s not me! Makes me feel like absolute shite when he eyes other women of his type. Especially because his type is petite Asian/oriental women. My mum was from Argentina and my dad from Spain, so I have a small frame and dark features but am not and never will be a tiny Asia/oriental woman.

To make matters worse I’ve just had a baby and feeling especially unattractive with my new shape and extra weight. We were out at a park today with the baby and I could see DH’s eye catch and follow some of his type behind his sunglasses. It makes me feel so insecure. I’ve once or twice had a snoop at his internet history and saw that he watched porn, was never Asian search or anything, which was a relief. Not to drip feed, he’s not a creep about this either but it’s just who seems to catch his eye and hold his gaze for just that extra moment or two. But I also think he is a bit of a creep for having this type. AIBU?

He’s a lovely man and husband and father otherwise but this really makes me feel Iike shite. I’ve sometimes thought about leaving because of this and I feel he’ll never be satisfied with me. AIBU?

OP posts:
PurpleWithRed · 20/07/2019 19:32

What does he say?

MyFokMarelize · 20/07/2019 19:35

But I also think he is a bit of a creep for having this type.

Because?

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 19:36

Don’t you have a type OP? Or are you genuinely not attracted to any other man than your DH?

notsurewhattotype · 20/07/2019 19:53

Everyone has a type OP, mines Tom Hardy, unfortunately DP isn't and he's nothing like him. But I adore him and love him deeply, I like to daydream about Tom sometimes but it's not a reality, it's just a passing thought.
You said you've just had a baby, your emotions are probably all over the place add in exhaustion and that's not a normal mix of feelings.
Try and give DH a break, he probably has no idea what he's done/doing. He's just seen a beautiful woman and looked, I know if I see someone that looks handsome, I look, but I don't ever think anything of it, I'm just looking at a nice looking man or woman.
Maybe have a talk with DH and tell him it upsets you when he looks at other women, if he loves you he will make an effort to stop

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 19:55

Everyone has a type OP, mines Tom Hardy

Ahem! I think you’ll find that Tom Hardy is mine Wink

Funghi · 20/07/2019 19:59

Tell him how you feel.

herculepoirot2 · 20/07/2019 20:07

Mine’s Chris Hemsworth. If my husband saw my eyes behind my sunglasses when CH was walking past, he would call me a major creep.

RushianDisney · 20/07/2019 20:10

I do think it's very odd to have a sexual fixation on people of a certain race, that isn't just having a 'type' imo. But, that is not the biggest issue, have you told him that you notice him looking at other women and how it makes you feel?

HollyIngests · 20/07/2019 20:13

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

81Byerley · 20/07/2019 20:36

When I was married to my first husband I'd have sympathised with you, because I felt the same. Now, having discussed it at length with my second husband, I've come to realise that men are programmed to check out other women. My husband adores me, and would never be unfaithful to me, but we joke about other women. He will say "I didn't look much", if we drive past an attractive woman. Or even better, the other day he said "I bet that woman wishes she could lose a bit of weight. She doesn't realise how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has a perfect arse".
The man I was with after my first marriage broke up used to joke about it as well. If you say "She's pretty!" When you see him looking at someone it will help take the sting out of something that is normal to him, but hurtful to you.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 20:50

the other day he said "I bet that woman wishes she could lose a bit of weight. She doesn't realise how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has a perfect arse".

Hmm
Bluntness100 · 20/07/2019 20:53

"I bet that woman wishes she could lose a bit of weight. She doesn't realise how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has a perfect arse".

WTAF, what's wrong with him? Confused

Original poster
Feellikeshite · 20/07/2019 20:56

Thank you for your responses. I’ve mentioned to him about looking at other women and he usually denies it, or says he didn’t notice. I think it’s fair to say that men do just glance at women but that it’s always orientals is what makes me feel so rubbish and also cringe a bit.

OP posts:
MayFayner · 20/07/2019 20:56

I bet that woman wishes she could lose a bit of weight. She doesn't realise how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has a perfect arse

He sounds like a perfect arse.

herculepoirot2 · 20/07/2019 20:57

Or even better, the other day he said "I bet that woman wishes she could lose a bit of weight. She doesn't realise how absolutely gorgeous she is. She has a perfect arse".

He is negging you.

MyFokMarelize · 20/07/2019 20:58

Still not understanding why 'orientals' makes you cringe?

Fi1982 · 20/07/2019 21:34

He sounds like a perfect arse

😂 brilliant

Sunbeam18 · 20/07/2019 21:37

'Orientals'?? WTF?

Drogosnextwife · 20/07/2019 21:38

81Byerley

I think you should leave your current partner aswell, he sounds like a creep and you are playing along with it.

TacoLover · 20/07/2019 21:47

that it’s always orientals is what makes me feel so rubbish and also cringe a bit.

OrientalsConfused

EKGEMS · 20/07/2019 21:50

If my partner ogled other women while I just had a new baby with him I'd be breaking his sunglasses and leave him in the park to clean up the pulverized bits but that's just me! How would he react if you ogled men in front of him? BTW a great husband doesn't do this to his wife

ChihuahuaMummy1 · 20/07/2019 21:51

Dh usual type was always blonde and petite until I came along with black hair and 5ft 10.Just because he finds Asian women attractive doesnt mean he doesn't fancy you.He shouldn't be eyeing up other women in your company though,that's wrong.

JoxerGoesToStuttgart · 20/07/2019 21:56

If my partner ogled other women while I just had a new baby with him I'd be breaking his sunglasses and leave him in the park to clean up the pulverized bits but that's just me! How would he react if you ogled men in front of him?

Hopefully not with violence. Hmm

RavenLG · 20/07/2019 21:59

Please don't use oriental when referring to people, they are not rugs or vases.

If you have these self esteem issues, could you be projecting? Is DP really looking at these women all the time or are you just paranoid? Snooping though his internet isn't really healthy and needs addressing. What has he said about this? Have you talked to him about feeling so low? Are there things you can do for yourself to stop feeling so low? (exercise for both body issues and help promote positive MH), have some you time at spa, get you hair / nails etc done?

Lemoneeza · 20/07/2019 22:02

LTB