Sons new friend is horrible

[Tails5290]

I've always said I would not choose my children's friends, until I met this one. He's a few years older than my kid and we've just moved nearby to said kid.
He is really rude to my lo, ignores him when it suits him, gets him to do stuff that will get my lo in trouble then comes straight to tell me. For example my lo isn't allowed out of the close and his friend knows this, my friend dared him to leave the close and told him he had to do it as it's a date, then ran straight to me to tell me he had been out and I should tell him off. Invites my lo to his (via PS4 chat) then when my lo gets there this boy shouts and screams at him to get out of his house. This friend is also a compulsive liar, only little things but at 10/11 should no better ie 'I've got a hot tub,my shoes coat £450, my parents are millionaires,. My lo does what this kid does though, he thinks the sun shines out of his a*se so will do exactly what this kid tells him to do, and goes along with everything he says even if it is unkind, he told my lo he was trash the other day and my lo agreed with him. AIBU to stop contact? As it stands I've told my lo he's not to play with him.

Don't you wonder why the older child isn't playing with kids of his own age? Probably because the other local kids are fed up with him, or their parents have discouraged the friendship. He has 'found' your lad because he is new to the area.

I bet if you ask around there will be other parents who are also wary of this kid, who sounds a bit sad and lonely in many ways, but frankly that isn't your concern.

I have something similar going on with my son too and he is 8 but really sensitive. Came in crying tonight because this boy who lives over the road had been hitting my son playing boxing then his younger brother joined in too. Told my son he is no longer allowed in this boys house or garden.

It's hard when all you want to do is wrap them up in cotton wool lol.

I would tell him the truth next time he calls. That your child doesn't want to play with him because he's being mean to him, so not to call any more.

You have to interfere here. Your son is no match for him so you must. Intervene

@Tails5290 sorry my reply was so long, there is so much to our story and that's only touching on it. It was only later that people started telling me he was 'no good' 'bad one' etc, I only wished they had told me in the early days. I know now that I can be a bit over careful re friends, but this all started with exaggeration, small white lies, to bigger lies, to compulsive liar to completely unhinged. I know not all kids are like this but it's good to keep an eye out and if things don't seem right, step in, don't be afraid, it's easier dealing with the fall out of a broken friendship than what we went through afterwards.

@Armadillostoes we reported it at the time, when we went to the station, the minute I mentioned his name they knew him, he was known to them at that age, which goes to show he was a bad one. We made a report to Tusla here in Ireland, we were informed by both that they had investigated and there would be no further investigations, we didn't get any details on what happened. DS had counselling for 12 months, attending a session every 6 weeks.

I think you should tell this boy to go away, that he isn't welcome and not to knock again if he comes over.

Boredbd is that really necessary? You can call him what you like as far as I'm concerned OP.

This kid is horribly using your DS; I'm glad you intervened. I will probably get slated for saying this as it's not in the same league, but the blind hero-worshipping instantly made me think of James Bulger's killers.

Take control here. He's 8. You have a lot of influence over who he gets to hang out with. If any child bullied my DC they just weren't allowed anywhere near them for a couple of weeks and then they had to earn the right to come back into our house by being nice to them for two weeks. Might sound extreme but why allow children to be manipulative and bullying? Better all round if they learn than mean behaviour has consequences.

I always used to let kids know that I knew they were bullying and if they ever did it in front of me they got told off and sent home.I made it clear if they were nice they were welcome but if not they weren't.

I agree with previous posters. If he came to my door I would say "No, you tell lies and you are a bully so you can't play here. When you are a nicer person you can come back."

This is bone chilling. Protect your son, @Tails5290.

I've always said I would not choose my children's friends

Well, that's your first mistake, your baby is 8, he needs you to protect him and structure his life for him (in a basic sense, I'm not one for helicoptering). If he was 18 that'd be different. Anyway, you need to tell your son that this friend isn't a nice person, isn't a friend and cut contact.

You need to protect your son and stop this bully getting access to him. If you don't step up and stop this - who will?

Yanbu. Listen to your gut, this boy is testing your boundaries as much as your sons.
Your DS is probably unsure, reassure him this is not a good friendship, he is being treated unfairly.

We had this with an older lad on our estate. I took control and banned ds from any contact with him. Even if ds other friends round here were playing with that lad I didn’t allow ds to join in. Kids can find it hard to suss older kids out and work out their agendas, they need us to protect them.

Children who behave in that way are damaged, however that isn’t your concern, your son is. Keep him away, but please don’t engage in neighbourhood negativity about this child. He isn’t a little shit- he’s behaving like one to gain attention and control for a reason.

Lipz Similar happened with my nephew, the boy in question was a real charmer, we believed he took nephew under his wing, he had been with a few foster families, told many tall tales.
He was 14 nephew was 11, he asked him had he ever masturbated before as nephew didn't know how, he offered to help him learn, it continued for a few weeks Dsis noticeda big change, he finally told her.
He is well gone from our lives, Tulsa informed case closed.
I can't believe as a family we were so silly to trust him, nephew is messed up.

@EmeraldShamrock that was involved in our situation too, but ds swears he only allowed him to look and not touch, he said that the boy told him all boys do this and to each other and teach each other. Ds said that he told the boy that we had taught him never to let anyone touch private parts of the body. What gets me is myself and ds have a really good open relationship where we have always been able to chat about everything, even now in the height of teenage years he still talks openly to me, BUT this guy brain washed him in not to tell and that alot of what they did was normal, it's scary that all the years from when they are tiny we teach them right and wrong, we keep harping on about dangers etc, they are taught in school stranger danger but in a matter of months a young lad was able to get inside my ds's head and make him worship him and believe every word that came out of his mouth and make him not be able to tell me certain things. I hope your nephew is OK, the aftermath is definitely worse than breaking a friendship, if it happened now, I would have no qualms telling them not to be friends, it's just not worth taking a chance.

It is sad when you realise a predator was right under your nose.
I often think of the older boy, as I said he was a charmer, lovely smile, helpful, mature, God only knows what situation he will manipulate himself into in the future, a girlfriends children? Scary.

Thank you for all so so much for your positive replies. I will be telling this kid that he's not being very nice to my son and is no longer to come and play with him. Like some of you said breaking this friendship now before it gets to damaging is definitely the way to go.
Lipz I'm so sorry this happened to your son and that he needed counselling, it's so scary what some kids are capable of.
To all other posters who's children/nephew have been completely used and corrupted by horrible children I feel for you and your kids, how insane to think that kids can do this? I like to see the good in people and especially children but unfortunately not all kids are good. Some of what you have written are actually like horror stories

I’m glad you’re taking charge here- just remember to unfriend this lad in your sons PS4 as well so he can’t chat or upset your son online.

Isadora we have just done that

@EmeraldShamrock it gives me a sick feeling when I think how we welcomed him here, brought him places, fed him, let him come to family occasions, be around my other children and what he put ds through. The guilt kills me. No doubt he'll have a future of issues and I dread to think what his relationships will be like.

@Tails5290 good luck with telling him, you'll be fine doing it. It's one of those things we think will be difficult to do but once you know you're doing the right thing by your son, it'll be much easier to do. Your son will be thankful. He'll meet lovely friends throughout the years and you'll be glad you nipped it in the bud. X

Thanks lipz I just need to word it in the right way I can sometimes lack tact

OP, dont worry about the way wording of it. Just do it clearly "No, he won't he coming out to play with you, nor are you allowed to come in. And that won't change. Please go find other children to play with (as we don't like your version of friendship)"

The boy followed us to the park yesterday so I told him he is not allowed to play with my son anymore because he's not very nice to him, he completely denied ever being mean. But he did leave us alone after so fingers crossed no more problems.