To wonder if my parents did the right thing (school related)

[starry8102]

I was born in the early 1980s and was an extremely shy child, with a real fear of socialising and speaking to other children and adults I didn't know (and often, even those I did!) Despite this, I have managed to make a handful of good friends along the way and I also have a decent but not well-paid job.

For three years running, when I was aged eight or nine, during the summer holidays my parents would send me to stay at summer camp for six days. As a child with what I guess could be described as social phobia, I was always absolutely terrified of going and really dreaded it. While there I mostly hung around on my own and avoided the other kids, as I was so ridiculously shy. I was just trying to get through it really until I could go home.

My parents were relatively well off, and the first school I went to was about a 30-minute drive from our family home. I was a day pupil until the age of 11 but later, when I was 12-13, I became a weekly boarder, staying at school during the week and going home for weekends.

Despite having a good group of friends at this school, I didn't know many of the boarders and so was very upset and terribly homesick for a while. I think although the school was only a 30 minute drive from my home, my parents were trying to get me used to being away from them for when I moved on to full-time boarding school.

Aged 13 I went to board full time at a school further away, and again was extremely homesick for the first two terms, with plenty of tearful conversations to my parents down the phone. I guess in hindsight this must have been hard for them to take, but I so didn't want to be there and missed my friends from back home. However, I did end up boarding there until I was 18, settling down and making a couple of great friends who I'm still in touch with today.

Anyway, my question is this... as someone who was such a shy child, and still suffers from debilitating social anxiety today (I'm now in my late 30s), do you think my parents did the right thing sending me away to summer camp and boarding school - or should they have let me do what I wanted, which was to be a day pupil at the local secondary school with my friends from home? (I should say that the local school was good but not as good as the one where they sent me - although having said that, a lot of people I know did well there, getting top grades and going on to good unis/careers).

I'm not blaming my parents at all, as I know they only wanted the best for me and probably hoped I'd become more confident by spending time away from home. They are really lovely people and we've always got on well.

I was just wondering what your thoughts are, and what you would have done with your kids if you were in my parents' situation? Do you think if I'd stayed local to home and not been sent away to school/camp, my social anxiety would be less acute today, or could it have been even worse as I wouldn't have been forced out of my comfort zone so to speak?

Sorry for writing an essay...

Tricky one. I’m pretty anti boarding schools to be honest. If you are amazingly talented in music say and that’s the only way to pursue your talent then fair enough but I don’t really under why you’d choose to send your kids away. My DS sleeps very badly away from us and I’ve resigned myself that the Activity holidays away (PHL?) are never going to be a good idea for him.

You've only to read some of threads on here to see that many posters think children should be forced to go on camps/activity weekends etc as they'll "have the time of their lives!" and "need to learn resilience!" Personally I disagree and I would never and have never forced my child to do this kind of thing. I remember being on guide camp and HATING it. I was bullied mercilessly from beginning to end and when my parents came for a visit half way through they stated I should stay for the week as it was weakness to give up half way through. I was 11. Other parents took their kids home because it was all a bit shit facilities wise and looked it. Not my parents though, they've always been a big fan of character building and all that BS. I still remember to this day how awful that experience was.

The thing is, as a parent you don’t always know what the “right thing” is until the situation has happened. If your parents genuinely and frequently made decisions that they felt were in your best interests, then it was the right decision “at the time”. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and to be honest, if your social anxiety is as bad as it sounds, you’d probably have struggled at the local school too.

I don't think there's anyway of knowing whether or not your social anxiety would have been more or less if they had made decisions.

You do believe that they were doing what they thought was best and I think that's important to remember. Parents make mistakes all the time, nobody knows what the right thing is to do all the time. You will get lots of opinions as to whether or not they were right or wrong, but that doesn't change the past.

I think it's impossible to answer because there are so many variables not least of which were the students in your year group and the culture/support systems of the school.

Yes, it's possible your social anxiety may have been improved by being educated locally, but conversely it may have been made worse if you'd been subject to bullying because of it.

It's something you'll never know.

I'd take heart from the fact it seems you made some good friends whom you still retain. That's worth a lot.

What would I have done? Well tbh I know it's a emotive subject but on a personal level I'm not a fan of boarding (I appreciate there are families for whom this is the only practical option).

So no, I would not have sent a shy child away to board but them neither would I have sent a socially gregarious child either.

I would have encouraged a participation in various clubs/sports/hobbies very strongly.

Summer camp - probably not unless they were going with a friend.

It sounds like your parents tried to do their best. They are human and fallible, but given you'll never get to see that parallel life I'd honestly try and focus on the good things you got from the education you had.

*different decisions

I don’t think they did the right thing but from what you’ve written, they thought they were doing the best for you. Almost like a ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’

If a child has anxiety, they need to at least feel secure with their caregivers and that means your parents ‘should’ have allowed you to be at home with them, so that you had a ‘safe’ place to be each day where you felt secure and could relax. This would have potentially built your confidence and maybe reduced the anxiety.

That’s my opinion but as I said, it sounds like they thought they were doing the best thing for you and that’s the main thing really. Glad you see that too and have a good relationship with them

I’m sure they made those decisions with the best of intentions and thought they would help. It’s impossible to know whether you’d now be less shy and anxious had you gone to a regular day school or not. It may just be who you are as a person.

I'm not a fan of boarding unless there's no other way.
I can empathise a bit as someone with social anxiety since about the age of 8 when I switched schools.
My parents wanted to move me from my state primary as the junior school had a bad reputation, and I was extremely bright.
We went to look round two private schools...a town based girls' school and a traditional prep. I loved the first school, the children were friendly and when my parents asked me which one I'd prefer, I told them.
They sent me to the prep, which, on paper, had much better facilities...but which I'd felt bad about from the open day. There was a really unfriendly, toxic culture to it. I made a few friends but started with OCD behaviours almost from day 1...which my parents ignored.
I know it was up to them as adults to make the choice, and I know children's mental health wasn't really talked about in the 80s, but I've never quite got past wondering why they asked me, if they weren't going to listen.

I can imagine that they thought what they did would help you. It’s impossible to know whether things would have been better if they’d done things differently.
I also think parenting and understanding of social anxiety has significantly changed over the years so the response you’ll get now is different to what people would have said in the past.

As a child I hated time away from home, sleepovers etc. My parents never forced it and I eventually grew more confident - left home at 18! It's why I would never force my DC into things they don't want to do - particularly forced time away from home. I believe it can heighten anxiety in the long run.

I agree that your parents probably thought they were doing what was best at the time.

I grew up on an estate, and went to a not very good primary school where I always felt a bit different. When it was time to move to secondary I wanted to go to the local secondary school with all the other kids from my road. My parents made me go to the academically better Catholic school in the next town over. And I loved it, made friends with the girls that are still my best friends today, got a string of A*s and went to a good uni...I guess what I'm saying is that sometimes these parental gambles pay off and sometimes they don't, but you often don't know till the DC are older teens/adults.

I don't have any strong feelings about boarding schools/summer camps as I'm from a different culture and know lots of people from my parents generation that went and most of them enjoyed it (Italy 40 odd years ago, either the roads were bad so it was easier for teens to board in winter when it snowed, or DC got sent to the nuns at the seaside 'for their lungs')

I'm not sure about boarding school, it's definitely not something I'd ever do with my kids and I do find it hard to understand how/why parents do it tbh.

The summer camp though, I think they were just trying to help. It was only 6 days, not the whole 6 weeks. I have sometimes made my DS go on school trips when he's said he hasn't wanted to. Otherwise, he'd just be sat in his room alone. My parents used to make us go on summer holiday week long clubs, we never wanted to go but had fun once there and actually made some friends.

I wouldn’t force a shy child to do those things, but I’m sure your parents meant well.
I think most shy children often just need opportunities & encouragement- and respect for their choices.

I’m an 80s girl and I had autism and social anxiety. Doctors labelled me as weird and parents forced me to various clubs and activities. I think there was less understanding back then is all

It's hard to know. We're not you, or your parents. Odds are, they did what they thought was right and perhaps they were hoping this would help with your social anxiety.

All I can say is that I would only send my son to boarding school if I felt he would really be ok with it. And if he told me he was miserable after one year, I would take him back home.

If I got posted to Bagdad for instance (a real possibility at some point in the future) I would have no choice, but I'd definitely talk to him about it and find alternate options of needed (such as, staying with grand-parents).

Thank you all for taking the time to post and put this in perspective - it's been very helpful.

As I said, I've no doubt that my parents were trying to do the best for me and they're great people. I'm just trying to understand where some of my social anxiety issues have stemmed from I guess and what I can do about it.

My experiences are different to yours but looking back I think my childhood was worse than it needed to be because my "parents thought they were doing the best for me".

In my case, and with also the benefit of seeing how my parents interact with my own children, it's become clear that my parents weren't doing the best for me but for their vision of how they should their child should be. My actual personality and interests were not really considered. I'm wondering if OP's parents felt similarly- that they had an idea about the "best" way to bring up a child without checking to see that this "best " actually worked for the child they had.

I'm in the camp that thinks boarding schools are a bit odd unless the child really wants to go or there's instability in home life e.g. parents travelling or in military. Was either the case in your situation?

I wouldn't have inflicted those sorts of things on a child like you. Were they oblivious to your discomfort? If so that's an issue in itself to explore perhaps.

"best for the child" can sometimes actually mean "best for the parent"...

I can see why they did it, but it sounds like it probably wasn't the right call.

My DH is very intelligent and was a very shy child (and his mother abhors shyness as a terrible character defect) so they sent him to a very competitive, academic public school partly to combat that. As such he now comes over very outgoing (sometimes overbearingly so for some people's tastes) but is still insecure underneath it all, which I think has not helped him in life and has probably cost him some jobs that didn't work out. Somewhere more nurturing might have been a better place for him, frankly.

I’ve just read bear grylls biography and he says he would never leave his children anywhere they didn’t want to be left or felt in anyway distressed/fearful. This is basically how I feel. I don’t think emotional resilience is built by isolating children away from home and letting other people parent them.

My mum adopted a similar approach with my painfully shy sister and I really don’t think it was the right one.

You don’t get the feeling of having overcoming a fear or anxiety if you at forced into it. It feels like an accomplishment when you choose to confront it yourself. So you can be encouraged to do activities that bring you out of yourself but being forced, even with the best intentions is just likely to create more feelings of being panicked and out of your control.

There's instability in home life e.g. parents travelling or in military. Was either the case in your situation?

No - my mum worked part-time and my dad normal hours, and we had a very stable home life.

I wouldn't have inflicted those sorts of things on a child like you. Were they oblivious to your discomfort?

They definitely weren't oblivious, as I was very homesick at boarding school. I think it must have been hard of them to have their child crying down the phone and asking to come home, but I think they thought it was just a temporary thing - and they were right, in the sense that I did eventually settle down and make a few friends.

hard for* them!