To wonder if my parents did the right thing (school related)

[starry8102]

I was born in the early 1980s and was an extremely shy child, with a real fear of socialising and speaking to other children and adults I didn't know (and often, even those I did!) Despite this, I have managed to make a handful of good friends along the way and I also have a decent but not well-paid job.

For three years running, when I was aged eight or nine, during the summer holidays my parents would send me to stay at summer camp for six days. As a child with what I guess could be described as social phobia, I was always absolutely terrified of going and really dreaded it. While there I mostly hung around on my own and avoided the other kids, as I was so ridiculously shy. I was just trying to get through it really until I could go home.

My parents were relatively well off, and the first school I went to was about a 30-minute drive from our family home. I was a day pupil until the age of 11 but later, when I was 12-13, I became a weekly boarder, staying at school during the week and going home for weekends.

Despite having a good group of friends at this school, I didn't know many of the boarders and so was very upset and terribly homesick for a while. I think although the school was only a 30 minute drive from my home, my parents were trying to get me used to being away from them for when I moved on to full-time boarding school.

Aged 13 I went to board full time at a school further away, and again was extremely homesick for the first two terms, with plenty of tearful conversations to my parents down the phone. I guess in hindsight this must have been hard for them to take, but I so didn't want to be there and missed my friends from back home. However, I did end up boarding there until I was 18, settling down and making a couple of great friends who I'm still in touch with today.

Anyway, my question is this... as someone who was such a shy child, and still suffers from debilitating social anxiety today (I'm now in my late 30s), do you think my parents did the right thing sending me away to summer camp and boarding school - or should they have let me do what I wanted, which was to be a day pupil at the local secondary school with my friends from home? (I should say that the local school was good but not as good as the one where they sent me - although having said that, a lot of people I know did well there, getting top grades and going on to good unis/careers).

I'm not blaming my parents at all, as I know they only wanted the best for me and probably hoped I'd become more confident by spending time away from home. They are really lovely people and we've always got on well.

I was just wondering what your thoughts are, and what you would have done with your kids if you were in my parents' situation? Do you think if I'd stayed local to home and not been sent away to school/camp, my social anxiety would be less acute today, or could it have been even worse as I wouldn't have been forced out of my comfort zone so to speak?

Sorry for writing an essay...

It's hard to say. You would probably still have been shy whatever the circumstances. I expect your parents thought they were doing what they thought was best. Few of us have perfect childhoods for all sorts of reasons. I would say try to put it behind you and concentrate on the here and now. At least you have a couple of close friends and some people don't even have that. We always wonder 'what might have been' if things had been different but we have no way of knowing.

Nowadays if there is a terribly homesick child that is unhappy in boarding it’s very much discouraged that they stay. They are offered flexi boarding or to look for another school. The fact you seemed to resolve it after a couple of terms would maybe have given them the impression you were ok. That’s quite a normal time to take to settle in.

Honestly it may just be your personality type? No matter which school you went to you would not enjoy your school years. Although if you had been living at home you would have had a break from school every day.

These days you would probably not have been encouraged to board.

I had a terrible home life and also hated school, being a creative child, I had dyslexic and dyscalculia in the 80’s/90’s. I enjoyed life after I was out of school and left home, I was in control of my life and have gone on to be a happy person. Those days were not the best for understanding individual children’s needs or education.

I had friends who went to boarding school for sixth form in an attempt to make them more independent. The elder girl wanted to go as she didn't have a great time at the senior school she was at before then and she had a great time away. The younger girl was incredibly happy at the first school and really didn't want to leave but was forced to. She hated boarding school and her sister did, eventually, say that it probably wasn't the right thing for her at all.

As for making the girls more independent - the first went to university in her home town so then stayed at home for two years whilst the younger one planned to go home every weekend from university. She didn't in the end, but I thought it was telling how much she wanted to.

If I was in their position now I definitely wouldn't have chosen boarding, and I speak as someone who sent their DS to boarding school.

I probably would have tried the summer camp once, but would not have persisted with it if it hadn't made a difference.

I'm sure they did what they thought was best, but it's impossible to say if it would have been better if they hadn't made those choices.

Sometimes surviving an experience you find difficult and challenging is better for you in the long run than avoiding all things that are hard.

Sometimes surviving an experience you find difficult and challenging is better for you in the long run than avoiding all things that are hard.

I definitely think there's a lot of truth in that. I think I also struggled less with homesickness at uni than many other people, as I'd been away from home since I was a child anyway. So that was one positive!

I was very shy as a child and this situation would have traumatised me. I can still remember the panic I would feel, and the isolation and general uncomfortableness of some situations, and that has affected the way I am as a parent. I do encourage my kids to put themselves ‘out there’, but I wouldn’t force them into any situation. My belief is that they’ll get confidence through having a stable and secure home life and it will come through maturity. FWIW my parents didn’t force me into anything I was very uncomfortable with, they were pretty easygoing 70s parents. I’m pretty confident as an adult.

But we’re all just trying to do our best, aren’t we? And there’s no rule book.

My parents did they opposite for my brother (not that boarding school was an option) and what was social anxiety and finding it difficult to go to school turned into outright school refusing, agoraphobia where some days he only came out of his room to go to the toilet. He has been badly affected by this since he was 10 years old and still today only just about manages to do a very part time job where he is literally shut away from other people.

They tried to be led by his example and comfort levels whilst also trying to get help from CAMHS etc but it spiralled and got worse. If he didn’t want to visit family, he didn’t have too. They always encouraged him to go to school but by 12 was 6ft and they couldn’t physically make him. Who knows what would have happened had they taken your parents approached, he may well be a better adjusted adult than he is now.

There is no right or wrong, parents do the best they can with the information they have at the time.

Whsvhs

I'm just trying to understand where some of my social anxiety issues have stemmed from I guess and what I can do about it.

I would really suggest you explore this with a qualified counsellor.

I am personally anti boarding school unless it's a necessity, and think that even if you can easily afford to send your bright child to a high-achieving school it won't be the best thing for every child. You can always push them at home, arrange extra tuition etc. Your parents obviously thought they were giving you the best opportunities, but should have taken your pleas seriously IMO.

I'm roughly the same age as you. I hated being away from home when I was a child and my 10-day long French Exchange when I was 13 was traumatic for me. It put me off doing the World Challenge expedition with school later on even though all my friends went as that would have involved being away for 2 weeks. I firmly believe that you don't have to force these things and everyone will become independent when they are ready - when I was 18 I happily went off to university in a different city and later spent the summer abroad instead of going home. I'm perfectly well adjusted and not at all clingy to my family!

While we're definitely not attachment parents, our DC are allowed to sleep in our bed if they feel like it and we rarely leave them overnight. DD (5) often requests that we stay with her at a party or playdate and we do. She's very socially confident and totally happy at school, I do think keeping them close when they need it makes them more confident rather than more needy.

Might it be worth talking to your parents about this? Just a thought, you seem to have a tremendous respect for them and their choices but that might not be surprising when your own feelings haven't been considered as relevant or important by them maybe? Even as a child your feelings were important, but were ignored. I feel rather cross on your behalf even if you're not!