Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to give money to my son ?

49 replies

Uderzo · 20/07/2019 15:10

A year ago I inherited a large sum of money when both my parents passed within a few months. Their savings, plus the value of their home, added up to quite a lot. Althought the money was legally mine, I told both my children ( adults, in their 20's) that I would share the money with them. I've already started this process by giving my son a large deposit to help to buy a flat and more money to help to refurbish it. I have money put aside for my daughter when she wants to buy ( she's looking).
My son asked me for money to start a business with. I could afford to give him the amount he asked but I asked him to set out a business plan showing what the money was for. I didn't think this was unreasonable as he would have to do this anyway, any successful business needs a business plan ? He said this was unfair, it was none of my business what he was going to do with the money and I should just give it to him. The conversation ended badly. AIBU ?

OP posts:
Malyshek · 20/07/2019 15:12

Nope. You're very reasonable. Your son hasn't thought this through.

Leobynature · 20/07/2019 15:14

YANBU! You supported both your children with deposits for their first home. If your son wants to ask you for money for a business he should outline how he will be using this. The same rules would apply if he got a business loan. Why should your poor parents have worked and saved the money for it to be fluttered away so quickly.

Aquamarine1029 · 20/07/2019 15:15

Of course you aren't being unreasonable. Your son is being an ungrateful, greedy little twat. If he wants to start a business then he needs to get his arse in gear and figure it out for himself. Bankrolling his whole life would be a MASSIVE mistake.

F2Feee · 20/07/2019 15:15

Yanbu. Sounds like he feels entitled to this windfall and wants to blow it. You are completely correct in asking for a business plan. What happens if he goes bust, does he expect you to provide that too. He should be so grateful for the flat deposit. Sounds like he is getting greedy now.

NurseButtercup · 20/07/2019 15:16

YANBU don't back down on him producing a business plan. He was rude to say it was none of your business.

Alsohuman · 20/07/2019 15:19

Just say no to the money and point him in the direction of a bank loan.

FadedRed · 20/07/2019 15:20

YADNBU, you are being sensible. Sounds like he doesn’t have a business plan, just feels entitled to YOUR money. Such a shame when this happens, especially due to your losing your parents and getting an inheritance. 🤞 he realises that he was out of order.

newmomof1 · 20/07/2019 15:30

YADNBU!

What would he have done if both his grandparents were still alive?

You're incredibly reasonable OP but I would reject his request now even if he comes to you with an incredible business plan!

User8888888 · 20/07/2019 15:36

Yanbu. You determined an amount that you would gift both your children. This is or should be a separate to proposal to invest some of your money in a business. You would need something in return and this is totally different to a gift. Of course you’d need to see a proposal and you shouldn’t be gifting him anything you wouldn’t give to your daughter to. He’s being an ungrateful brat.

Aprillygirl · 20/07/2019 15:39

It's too late now but you should have just helped your DC out as and when instead of announcing that you would share your inheritance with them, because now you have an entitled spoilt brat on your hands who thinks this money belongs to him to do as he will. Don't back down though because if the business fails he will be back for more.

mussolini9 · 20/07/2019 15:42

He said this was unfair, it was none of my business what he was going to do with the money and I should just give it to him

Sorry you had to hear that from your own son, OP.
I think he needs to hear that it is YOUR money, that he has already had a very generous gift, & that if he wants to set up a business he is going to need a lot more than money: he'll also need a Plan, hard work, integrity, tact, & the ability to take no for an answer.

Don't pander to him.
He needs all the things on the list above, & by having to earn his own money, he may learn them.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2019 15:47

You really shouldn't have said you'd share it - he thinks that's his money now. So he will inherit from you AND from your parents.

I agree with the PP - do not pander to him. Tell him outright that he's had his money and that you are very disappointed he's talking to you like that. The chance of him making a success of a business when money is just handed to him is very slim, too.

MrsGrannyWeatherwax · 20/07/2019 15:50

That’s a terrible attitude by your son - I hope you’re disappointed in him.

I hope someone tells him how arrogant he’s been expecting you to buy him a house and then act like a cash machine!

Original poster
Uderzo · 20/07/2019 15:50

Thanks for all the comments so far and the support.. I did'nt think I was BU, but I was so shocked and disappointed by my son's attitude that I needed to check.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 20/07/2019 15:56

Of course YANBU.
With hindsight, perhaps telling them you would share it with them in the first place has made him feel more entitled than he is.
I think you should say no, now though, and point him in the direction of a bank to see how he gets on with his business start up idea, with them.

NoSauce · 20/07/2019 16:02

Have you got a set amount in mind of what you’re going to give each child? It sounds like your son thinks it’s a never ending pot for him to help him out when he needs it.

mbosnz · 20/07/2019 16:05

Your son seems to have the attitude, 'what is mine is mine, and what is yours is mine'. It isn't. If you are generous enough to share with your children the way you have, they are very fortunate. They have no right or entitlement to your money. Perhaps it's time to clarify that a little. He seems to think that the Bank of Mum has an unlimited overdraft facility for him, at 0% interest and in all likelihood, not to be paid back.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2019 16:10

I confess I'm confused; is it that he wants money for a business instead of the flat deposit or as well as? Because if it's the second he's got to be joking - especially given his attitude about not needing to say what it's for

I can't improve on the PP's comments about him also needing "hard work, integrity, tact & the ability to take no for an answer" to run a business successfully ... and I'm sorry, but it doesn't sound as if he has any of them Hmm

TheSilveryPussycat · 20/07/2019 16:12

Someone I know persuaded their father to invest in a franchise. He had a business plan. However, the business folded and his dad lost that money.

FinallyHere · 20/07/2019 16:13

unfair, it was none of my business what he was going to do with the money and I should just give it to him.

This must be painful. You best bet must be to stick to you guns. These are very reasonable questions to be answered. Nowhere lends money without out at least a plausible answer to these questions.

Sicario · 20/07/2019 16:23

You are DEFINITELY not being unreasonable. He's had his gift. If he wants a business start-up loan, he can go to the bank, or to a specialist start-up investment body.

It's hard to refuse our own kids, but it is also a kindness. Never a lender or a borrower be. Gift is one thing, loan is quite another and is invariably a destroyer of relationships.

HollowTalk · 20/07/2019 16:25

He's not wanting her to lend him some money, @sicario. He wants her to give it to him. Without questions, too.

Sicario · 20/07/2019 16:34

@HollowTalk - I missed that. Either way, sounds awfully entitled and the "none of your business" on the business plan kind of says it all.

billy1966 · 20/07/2019 16:36

Extremely entitled OP. I can appreciate your disappointment in your son.

Your son should definitely go to the bank to see if he could get a loan.

He would have to prepare a detailed proposal with his business plan, revenue projections etc.

If he wants to avoid doing this it's because he is not sufficiently committed to the idea.

I would suggest highly unlikely the business would be a success with that attitude.

I also agree unfortunately perhaps telling your children that you would share has given him the idea that your money is now his.

I would sharply disabuse him of this idea.

You have no idea what the future holds and this money may be required by you.

Your children are extremely lucky to be helped with the purchase of a home.

billy1966 · 20/07/2019 16:39

I think your son may have thought the word "sharing" means dividing equally among you and your children, rather than giving them a percentage of the money.

Clairification is key, without a hint of apology etc.

Swipe left for the next trending thread