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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to give money to my son ?

49 replies

Uderzo · 20/07/2019 15:10

A year ago I inherited a large sum of money when both my parents passed within a few months. Their savings, plus the value of their home, added up to quite a lot. Althought the money was legally mine, I told both my children ( adults, in their 20's) that I would share the money with them. I've already started this process by giving my son a large deposit to help to buy a flat and more money to help to refurbish it. I have money put aside for my daughter when she wants to buy ( she's looking).
My son asked me for money to start a business with. I could afford to give him the amount he asked but I asked him to set out a business plan showing what the money was for. I didn't think this was unreasonable as he would have to do this anyway, any successful business needs a business plan ? He said this was unfair, it was none of my business what he was going to do with the money and I should just give it to him. The conversation ended badly. AIBU ?

OP posts:

Bookworm4 · 20/07/2019 16:44

Your son is an ungrateful CF.

Anniegetyourgun · 20/07/2019 16:48

If he actually had a business plan worth the paper it was scrawled on he'd be pleased and proud to outline it to his mum.

Poloshot · 20/07/2019 17:02

He's being ridiculous.

Isatis · 20/07/2019 17:12

Whether you were giving him the money or not, he needs a business plan. The very fact that he hasn't got one shows how right you are.

UnapologeticallyUnsociable · 20/07/2019 17:14

I actually feel angry on your behalf OP. Don't give him a penny! His attitude stinks. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. He needs to learn the value of money ... and a little respect x

SunshineCake · 20/07/2019 17:16

YANBU and your son is being very entitled. I'd be very tempted to give him nothing tbh, as in take back what you've given or retract the offer for the flat.

happyhillock · 20/07/2019 17:24

I wouldn't be giving him the money he seems to think he's entitled to it, tell him it's your money, your children are lucky that you've helped them purchase a home, direct him to the bank. You should also be enjoying the money for a great holiday etc

blackcat86 · 20/07/2019 17:29

When most people start a business they are full of passion and excitement. They want to talk about it and talk about their plans. The fact that your son doesn't is all very suspicious and quite disrespectful to you. You've made a reasonable request, if he chooses not to accept your offer that's up to him.

EllenRipley · 20/07/2019 19:06

You are definitely NOT being unreasonable. He's being arrogant and ungrateful.Tell him to ask again in ten years. If he has a different attitude and a business he's managed to set up and sustain on his own, then you might consider investing it. Assuming you haven't already spent YOUR money on yourself.

Puzzledandpissedoff · 20/07/2019 19:47

unfortunately perhaps telling your children that you would share has given him the idea that your money is now his

Why would it do that? If someone tells you they're going to share what's theirs, surely you wait to see what you're going to get and accept it gratefully - not start demanding more in such a rude fashion?

Leeds2 · 20/07/2019 19:51

YANBU.
You have already been more than generous by helping with his house purchase. If he wants money to set up a business, direct him to the Bank. Don't let him bully you.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/07/2019 19:52

YANBU. I would think that someone starting a business would be pleased to talk about it even if you weren’t investing in it or funding it.

regmover · 20/07/2019 19:54

Keep the rest of the money for yourself, you've done enough for both of them.

Cherrysoup · 20/07/2019 19:56

I think I’d put a stop to him asking by saying you’ve shared as much as you’re going to share and there’ll be no more. He is very entitled, isn’t he?

RebootYourEngine · 20/07/2019 20:02

YANBU. You have given him money for a house deposit which I am assuming was a fair few thousand pounds. Why does he think that he is entitled to more. You need to tell him that he got money from you and the rest is yours to spend as you please.

Do you at least know what kind of business he wants to set up?

Sicario · 20/07/2019 20:36

And what a fantastic mum you are to be so generous. Spend the rest on handbags and nail varnish. :)

HeronLanyon · 20/07/2019 20:54

YANBU. Even if he does produce a business plan will you actually be able to assess whether it’s sensible /viable or not ? I wouldn’t.
After money for housing I would keep the rest - you will need it for yourself and/or smaller amounts to your children/future grandchildren etc.
Don’t hand more to him especially when he is refusing to sit down and talk it through with you. Sounds as though he’s assuming he can have his inheritance now ! Sounds entitled.
Good luck op.

regmover · 21/07/2019 20:19

"Spend the rest on handbags and nail varnish." This, with bells on. Go on a cruise. Get a few non-essential lovely things that you've wanted for ages. Save some for when you need it later in life.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 21/07/2019 20:28

Did he misinterpret sharing as all if you having 1/3 each? Inwhich case although his attitude stinks I can see why he doesnt feel the need to explain what he wants it for?

avocadotofu · 21/07/2019 20:30

You're definitely not being unreasonable! You sound really lovely and generous.

Cheeserton · 21/07/2019 20:39

He's an ungrateful sod who should be delighted that you'd even seriously consider it.

MrsTommyBanks · 21/07/2019 20:44

YADNBU.

Happynow001 · 21/07/2019 22:07

I've already started this process by giving my son a large deposit to help to buy a flat and more money to help to refurbish it
Has your son actually started/financially committed to buying his property OP?

If not I'd suggest he uses the funds you've already given him to invest in the business he wants to start up.

If he's already legally committed the money and is still being so arrogant, rude and entitled, I'd decline to provide any more money and direct him to a bank/other financial institution where he can outline his business plan to them.

Sorry you are going through this and that in this case your generosity is being thrown back in your face.

Stand strong - capitulating to him would not be good for him nor for you.

TheRedBarrows · 21/07/2019 22:19

Was the business money in addition to the house deposit money, or instead of?

I am assuming addition but if he is saying he would rather that the offered money was used for his business rather than his house, then I would say ‘his choice, his risk ‘.

If he has received a substantial sum and is now asking for more then he is pushing his luck.

He may have felt dissed, criticised and as if you don’t believe in him tho’ as a result of you demolishing his business plan.

Communicate. Explain that ‘share’ was not meant to mean you all had a central kitty to dip into, and that you do rate him. But you are not happy with the way he reacted and expected your ££

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