To find this aspect of American culture disturbing?

[vickygoneaway]

To find this aspect of American culture really fucking weird?

I am talking about the "daddy daughter" culture they have over there. Typically in the religous south. The idea that the father has autonomy of his daughter's body and her virginity, and that he decides who is appropriate for her to have sex with and at what age etc. I saw it when I was browsing an American forum, and there was a post where someone was asking if he was in the right. The post consisted of him saying his 15 year old daughter had recently got a boyfriend and asked to introduced him to her dad. The poster was horrified and went on about his "rules" and that she wasn't allowed to date anyone until she was 18 and that he was terrified of her losing her virginity. The whole thing was an uncomfortable read.

I myself have a 16 year old and while I expect her father to teach her that she deserves a man who respects her, treats her well etc and also set examples as to what that would look like, I'd be mortified if he went on about the things mentioned above. Another thing I've noticed in Americans is the "Look at me my daughter has a boyfriend and I've got a big rifle to intimidate him with if they have sex, even if it's consenual and they are both of age. Look how tough I am!". Again, I expect DD's dad (and I of course, but I'm discussing fathers) to protect her to a certain degree, if a boyfriend hits her etc. But it completely baffles me that a father would get so worked up over his teenage daughter's sex life. When our DD started with relationships etc, DH gave her advice but firmly didn't want to know about her sex life. She came to me to organise the pill and it was never a big deal.

It ties into the weird "daddy daughter dates" I've seen.

If you're wanting to spend one on one special time with your young DD why not just take her to the park? Or out for a treat? A picnic, or to a museum she likes etc. That would be lovely. Why in the bloody fuck does there have to be a romantic aspect do it? My husband took DD out often when she was little to the countryside to see the horses, often just the 2 of them for hours and they'd take picnics. I'd stay at home as we had another young baby. They also went to the cinema together lots. Neither of us would EVER think of calling it a "date". It was a dad spending time with his child.

It's everywhere.

It's a kink. Lots of UK based people are into it to.

You're not BU to find it disturbing, but I don't think it's American culture as a whole. We tend to get a pretty distorted view of US culture in the media, but remember that these sorts of things (daddy / daughter dates etc) are picked up on because they're so weird. I can't say that any Americans I've met have ever mentioned doing anything like this.

You need to read more. and stop generalising. Might offend someone.

I live in an extremely progressive suburb of a blue city in a blue state. If there are people like this anywhere around, then they definitely keep a very low profile.

Otoh, the local park district and at least two of the local dance studios host annual father-daughter dances that are always well subscribed. They usually feature a simple buffet style dinner, an ice cream bar, and DJ. I have good friends whose husbands have taken their daughters to this around age 6-9. It's a nice tradition as far as I can tell and the friends' families who have participated are none the worse for it.

The local community also supports a vast number of opportunities for parents to spend quality time with their children, which depend almost entirely on the time and hard work of volunteers, most of whom are dads ime (probably 60/40 men/women). I am talking about youth soccer and T-ball and baseball or softball leagues run by parents who serve as coaches and administrators, and about parochial school inter-school sports leagues in basketball, cross country, soccer, and volleyball. Also in parochial schools - chess clubs, robotics clubs, spoken work poetry slam clubs, recycling-environmental clubs, science fair and art fair judging and many more, all done in parents' own time and for no remuneration whatsoever, not even a percentage off tuition.

In the public schools the clubs and extra curricular activities are run by teachers who receive a generous stipend for their time and work, and the park district runs a huge number of programmes and operates facilities designed to cater for almost all interests, providing staff and sometimes in collaboration with the local police, working on the assumption that it's better to get to know the teens as public basketball court or ice hockey rink monitors and mentors/ coaches than they might if booking them on delinquency charges.

This is middle class life in America.

While the formal 'dating' and the virginity pledging exist in certain circles a long way from where I am, I think it would be a mistake to assume that outside of those circles there are no concerns among parents (or teachers, or anyone who deals with children and teens) along the lines of gingerbreadsprinkle's post.
I think most parents here would agree with this: young girls shouldn't need to seek male attention from random guys, but that their fathers are there to love, nurture, and protect them. I think a supportive father who is actively engaged in his daughter's life is not a bad thing even if others don't agree with the religious undertones of it. I don't see any reason to be up in arms for discouraging sex amongst teens who may not be mentally mature enough to deal with the emotional ramifications of it. Lots of teen boys (not all) just treat sex like a competition amongst their peers and the girl is left exploited, so I don't begrudge fathers who are protective over their daughters' mental well-being.
I can actually say hand on heart that none of the parents I know - all of whom would be supporters of progressive causes and the majority university educated - would consider the thought of a son or daughter involved in a sexual relationship in their teens a good thing.

And there is always the question of teen pregnancy and the consequences for a mother's future. Yes, people are hugely supportive if a young girl decides to keep the baby. The high school has a creche so secondary education goes on virtually uninterrupted. But the overwhelming majority of the time, university is not part of the future of a teen mother. Certainly not university at 18 or the university she might have attended were it not for the baby.

When people talk of wanting the best for their children here they talk the 'happiness' talk but what they mean is 'not a junkie' and 'heading to university' and 'financially independent upon graduation'.

Ultimately, parents from fundamentalist and university-educated-aspiring-progressive communities are coming to the same conclusion even though approaching it from a different philosophical standpoint.

And I would add, based on observations of my own extended family in Ireland and the UK and the lives of my old schoolmates in Ireland and the UK and US that this is the same conclusion arrived at by parents all over the western world among the educated classes.

It's just misogyny. I had the same thing (explained away by my dad being 'strict' and 'traditional') and I'm not American.

Yes, the fact that the dad plays the leading role and the fact that the role involves ownership in the fundamentalist tradition is a huge difference between this culture and average middle class concerns about children's wellbeing and aspirations for their future. It's that factor that tips it over into something else entirely - misogyny, male headship, women as chattel, etc.

I watched that video very

I understand why it's a lovely idea but I despise when people call it a date.

I unfollowed a woman on instagram because every time she did ANYTHING with her child it was 'Date with my favourite guy', 'Pizza date after school'.

We do special things together but I don't have time to date my own husband let alone a bloody three year old where every meal consists of 'eat your effing peas and sit the hell down!' (obviously without the swearing). Romantic, I think not.

But as a poster upthread mentioned, "date" in the US does not necessarily mean romantic. I just got a text from a work colleague who suggested that we get together for lunch next week at a specific time and place. I texted back to her "it's a date." We have a lunch date. If we were going to dinner, we would have a dinner date.

Agree with Seneca wrt the meaning of 'date' in the US. This is a case of separation by a common language if ever there was one.

You are being very rude and unreasonable to assume it is a part not 'American culture'.
It's part of a some religious beliefs. I believe the Duggars held the same values and they are independent Baptists. It was also prevalent on Gypsy Weddings etc that the dates between teenagers were chaperoned and the men had an official say over dating. I've also seen it happen to friends I grew up with who were Muslim (and I'm only mid 20s).

As for the 'daddy-daughter date' I second (or third) the opinion that the term 'date' has another meaning in America and it is simply a time for adults to spend with their children. I think it's also a somewhat misguided way of showing young girls what to 'expect' from men - manners, effort and so on. My DS and I used to have a weekly 'coffee date' once a week after nursery where he'd had a juice and cake, I'd have coffee and cake and we'd put the world to rights. It was our thing. He loved it.

As for the dances they also have 'mother and son' dances.

I'd say it's no more disturbing than a relative of my mum's who let her, then 15, now 16 year old daughter date someone in their mid to late 20s. They let this guy sleep in her bed, take her to overnight hotel stays, attend the mother and father's wedding, let their daughter have lip fillers at 16 and encourage her dressing like someone in their mid 20s and going to bars. The guy has a son less than 10 years younger than the child he dates. That is more worrying than a family invested in protecting their child from sexual relationships.

Someone from a country with a culture of morris dancing criticizing another country? Youre having a laugh!!

YANBU I travel to the South of the USA 3 times a year and noticed this trend starting a few years back.

It's my go to fast food restaurant whilst I am there but I did find it a bit weird.
www.abcactionnews.com/news/national/daddy-daughter-date-night-at-chick-fil-a-is-a-real-thing-and-your-reservation-is-waiting

I don't like the English culture of attacking people with machetes

If we were allowed to see the statistics I think we would find that that is almost always a different 'culture' to English, it is simply happening in England.

It's not a particularly mainstream thing but Americans are much more religious in general than Europeans. Even my inlaws are religiously old fashioned. My MIL hated that me and DH lived together for several years before marrying, she would call DH and tell him she was losing sleep over it and she used to pray for us! We were in our thirties!

Then there's my DH's cousins who like to post little religious sermons on FB and also to post helpful advice tips such as not letting your teenage daughters wear bikinis as they tempt fine young men... I'm not joking I swear!

Obviously my inlaws are not representative of American society as a whole but in my everyday interactions I really do notice the extra religious component. I've also experienced some people distancing themselves from me when they learn that I'm an atheist.

I'm American and have never encountered anyone like this.

I'm American, and only ever encountered this trend when living near a very small, rural, fundamentalist community in the Southeast. It certainly wasn't part of my family's culture when I was growing up, and I didn't know anyone else who experienced this. So, I agree that it's pretty cringey, but definitely not a "thing" for many Americans!