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Original poster

If I say anything to my ex I'm being controlling but....

49 replies

sarahfairy · 20/07/2019 13:00

I think I need too!

2 dcs to ex, they travel to him 2.5 hours eow.

We set off straight after school on a Friday and meet half way at a service station.

This is the pattern:

Friday meet at a service station, kids have a Burger King. I don't mind that at all, by the time they get to dads, it's too late for them to eat. I always make sure they have a healthy snack in the car too .

Saturday lunch time - dad takes them to the bakery for sausage rolls and cheese straws.

Saturday tea time - pizza from the pizza shop.

Sunday lunch time - MCDONALDS!!!!

Then I collect them in the afternoon at the service station.

He does not cook for them. He is massively obese which explains a lot and still lives at home with his mum and dad. His mum and dad used to cook for the dcs but I think they have stopped which is fine, it's not up to them to do it.

Dd always comes home with stomach ache. Every time.

They are with their dad now and I've just had a quick chat with dd and they've just been to the bakery and she's having a sausage roll for lunch. Then a donut. She also said she had crisps for breakfast.

I just find this so frustrating! He only parents them 2 days out of 14! He could at least feed them properly! I've tried to say to the dcs to have some fruit or something while they are there or to ask dad to cook for them but they don't and I don't want to pressure them.

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:03

He's going to make them massively obese too in order to punish you if you let him

Original poster
sarahfairy · 20/07/2019 13:12

@Whosorrynow oh gosh, I know! I'm just going to have to prepare myself for the crap he will come back at me with. I might even pack them some fruit and veg - he's having them for a full week in the summer hols and I dread to think!

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:17

I would be apoplectic if someone fed my children like that, in my view it is tantamount to poisoning them

Desmondo2016 · 20/07/2019 13:20

Like you said it's only 2 days out of 14, I'd be inwardly a bit annoyed but then enjoy my weekend off and not give it a second thought. They're not going to get obese whatever they eat for one 7th of their lives.

Desmondo2016 · 20/07/2019 13:20

Tantamount to poisoning them??? Ummm get a grip!!

CatsAreMyWorld · 20/07/2019 13:23

I agree with PP, it’s 2 days out of 14. Not ideal but not incredibly harmful either.

DtPeabodysLoosePants · 20/07/2019 13:23

I'm not sure how much you can do except educate the children on healthy eating and ensure their diet is healthy when with you. As they get older they will hopefully speak up about wanting better food.

funnylittlefloozie · 20/07/2019 13:26

Who says you're being controlling? Him? Who gives a shiny shit what he thinks- he is being a crap and lazy parent and you would not be wrong to call him on his behaviour.

Could you at least cut out the Burger King on the Friday night? Pack the kids a decent healthy packed tea to eat in the car, so they don't have to eat again with Dad (or maybe that they can eat at Dads house).

God knows, i am not the healthiest eater around, but that array of junk food is horrible. Your ex sounds like mine, where "junk food is love". My ex is also very obese.

I think you would be absolutely reasonable to have a go at your ex about all the junk. If he wants to eat himself to death, fine, but he shouldnt be dragging the kids with him.

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/07/2019 13:26

How old are your DCs? I think you can do your best to educate them about healthy eating and also encourage them to find their voices around food (no dad, I don't want crisps, is there any cereal?). Also if the grandparents are sensible they can work with DCs to have healthy no-cook choices in the house.

But I understand it's hugely difficult, shouldn't be your problem, and totally agree that's a horrendous diet to be feeding children, even if it is only 2 days out of 14.

PooWillyBumBum · 20/07/2019 13:27

YANBU

Giving them a taste for that awful rubbish doesn’t demonstrate a great amount of care. Don’t know what the solution is though. Could you pack them something that could be microwaved?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 20/07/2019 13:27

Yeah that's a good point, is there a way to cut out the Friday night Burger King, either by packing something or eating somewhere else? Control what you can, in other words.

Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:34

Junk food is toxic, he is teaching them to associate toxic junk food with fatherly love or whatever it is he provides them with
He wants to make them into his own obese little mini-mes

Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:36

He is teaching them that they are not worth good healthy food, what they deserve is rubbish junk food....manufactured food like substances

LannieDuck · 20/07/2019 13:39

His mum and dad used to cook for the dcs but I think they have stopped which is fine, it's not up to them to do it.

Do you get on with his parents, or have any contact with them? I would definitely have a word with them ahead of your Ex having the girls for the whole week. If they're sensible and able to help, it might be the path of least resistance.

If not, I think you need to say something when he has them for a week.

LannieDuck · 20/07/2019 13:40

Sorry, wasn't clear...

"If not, I think you need to say something to him when he has them for a week."

Original poster
sarahfairy · 20/07/2019 13:41

I don't mind them having the odd McDonald's as a treat....but that's all. A treat and I don't want them to think it's anymore than that.

Me and dh maybe have a takeaway at fine every couple of weeks when we are to tired to cook but we usually wait until the kids are in bed to eat in peace!

Dcs are 7 and almost 10. Ds is autistic and doesn't really understand healthy eating and what is classed as good and bad. However he loves green vegetables! Most nights he has something with broccoli and peas. He's great! He's also just discovered he loves strawberries which I told the ex about as a hint. He loves bananas too. It's not hard!

Dd is 7 and quite a fussy eater however she will eat some veg if there's some sort of reward at the end for pudding. Again not hard, it's just parenting!!

Good point re packing them some tea. I could easily make them a pack up. I've never actually thought of that, like I say, I just pack them a healthy snack as dad gives them tea

What's worrying me is what they will eat when they are with him for a week. I will address it, maybe ask the kids to make a meal plan of what they would like. Jacket potatoes, pasta, fish fingers - none of it is hard!

OP posts:
Butterymuffin · 20/07/2019 13:42

Agree with cutting out the Burger King on the journey. It's annoying that you have to always avoid the easy fast food option but he's clearly not going to.
I would think about what to pack for their week with him over the summer too. Fruit and some less sugary snacks like some of the better cereal bars, rice cakes etc. Again, you shouldn't have to, but you're the only one being a grown up here.

DuchessDumbarton · 20/07/2019 13:43

Ok, being practical about it.... you cannot control what he gives them.

So- you can pack a healthy meal for Friday evening that they eat instead of Burger King e.g. a pasta bake, veg soup in a flask etc.
Can you give them a box of relatively healthy cereal to take with them for Sat/Sun mornings?

And, why on earth are you driving half-way to meet him, when he doesn't even take care of them half-time?

I going to guess that if you didn't meet him half way he wouldn't bother with them at all?

MyNameIsArthur · 20/07/2019 13:44

I think cutting out the Friday night burger king if possible and put a box of weetabix in their bag. Crisps for breakfast is terrible. Neglectful even. I think you probably need to speak to him about it. In a nice way if possible. I can understand if he thinks he has limited time with the kids ge doesn't want to be spending that time cooking and washing etc, but I think he could at least give them healthy cereal for breakfast and healthy sandwiches or something for lunch.

MintyT · 20/07/2019 13:47

Don't let him have them for a week if he can't be bothered to put the effort In, At the weekend. I would stop the Burger King and pack a healthy meal. Some weekend dads are shits

Original poster
sarahfairy · 20/07/2019 13:49

@DuchessDumbarton i don't mind doing it on a Friday after school. If he were to collect them, he probably wouldn't get to collect them until 6.30 and then they wouldn't actually get to their dads until 9.30....that's unfair on the dcs.

I do always think he should drop them home on a Sunday but then I'm told 'he's not made of money' ie can't afford the petrol.

He's a complete twat. No involvement in ds and his autism. Ds was self harming at one point and it didn't even phase the ex

I have however told the ex that the travelling for the dcs will be stopping in September 2020 when ds starts secondary. He's going to sen secondary and will be too overwhelmed and tired to travel. Plus he will of already travelled a good 40 minutes to get home as the school is not near us. I told the ex he has one year to sort something so he can come and see ds. I got no response

OP posts:
Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:49

I would be keeping a very careful and detailed food diary, you might need all this as evidence that he is not not being a good parent if there are any disputes about access
I know that sounds really mean but this is your children's health at stake here, your ex is very well aware that this is a way to upset you and he will use it to manipulate and punish you

LadyBumclock · 20/07/2019 13:50

I think as a pp said it’s not a large proportion of what they eat and won’t be really harmful. Plus they’re learning it’s boring and doesn’t make them feel great. Just gently reinforce that, eg “yes you’ll probably feel better when you have a bit of fruit & veg, have an apple” and they will probably grow up with a fairly balanced attitude to junk food, instead of craving it. It’s still rubbish of him though.

Also they’ll get older and be able to make themselves something eventually. I wouldn’t stress too much. You are teaching them healthy eating most of the time, that will stick.

Whosorrynow · 20/07/2019 13:51

Crips for breakfast is disgraceful and neglectful, what's wrong with wholemeal toast and peanut butter kids can prepare themselves and it's very healthy?
if you complian he will see that as an attack on his authority and he will retaliate

Butterymuffin · 20/07/2019 13:51

At least this will stop in another year then. Seems pretty clear that once you aren't pushing yourself to facilitate contact, he won't bother. So you need a strategy to minimise the harm in the meantime.

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