If I say anything to my ex I'm being controlling but....

[sarahfairy]

I think I need too!

2 dcs to ex, they travel to him 2.5 hours eow.

We set off straight after school on a Friday and meet half way at a service station.

This is the pattern:

Friday meet at a service station, kids have a Burger King. I don't mind that at all, by the time they get to dads, it's too late for them to eat. I always make sure they have a healthy snack in the car too .

Saturday lunch time - dad takes them to the bakery for sausage rolls and cheese straws.

Saturday tea time - pizza from the pizza shop.

Sunday lunch time - MCDONALDS!!!!

Then I collect them in the afternoon at the service station.

He does not cook for them. He is massively obese which explains a lot and still lives at home with his mum and dad. His mum and dad used to cook for the dcs but I think they have stopped which is fine, it's not up to them to do it.

Dd always comes home with stomach ache. Every time.

They are with their dad now and I've just had a quick chat with dd and they've just been to the bakery and she's having a sausage roll for lunch. Then a donut. She also said she had crisps for breakfast.

I just find this so frustrating! He only parents them 2 days out of 14! He could at least feed them properly! I've tried to say to the dcs to have some fruit or something while they are there or to ask dad to cook for them but they don't and I don't want to pressure them.

Really he shrugged off self-harming in young child?
Tell him to get to fuck 🤬
I wouldn't want him anywhere near my children!
seriously I would be looking to gradually phase him out of their lives I don't think it will be difficult because he sounds like a useless lump of shit

@sarahfairy yes, I understand that. You are being the competent parent putting what the children need first.

Are you getting maintenance.... or again, let me guess, he's self-employed and "earns very little" or he's on benefits and can't manage the £5 per child per week that CMS require?

I think the junk food is just the passive aggressive way of getting out of his parenting responsibilities ...he's deliberately doing a crap job
I'm sorry you have to put up with this but recognise the nature of the beast and put a stop to his malignancy

That's absolutely shit parenting but it's difficult to make him change as it's outside of your control. I would be furious too. My ex doesn't cook for my daughter when she's at his 3 days a week and she lives off ready meals. I don't mind using them the odd time but to eat them all the time is really not good. She's very weight conscious too and I tried to speak to him about buying low cal ones but he wouldn't even listen to that. I feel your pain, but I don't know what the answer is I'm afraid.

Get some zip lock bags, send breakfast with them, this way your only sending a bit out of a boxful....
Also fruit you could get a small picnic cooler. I decided to do this as better fresh food available than worrying about it....

It can also work positively for future food habits ime. My exh used to feed mine microwave burgers (in the bun), tomatoe sauce sandwiches, Sunday lunch at gps which was veg 3 hours in a pressure cooker.
Now they are ft with me and love proper meals - and veg! And nc with df due to neglect. Their choice..

@DuchessDumbarton in all honesty, he's pretty good at maintenance. But then that gets thrown in my face. His latest gf has dcs and their dad doesn't pay a penny so I should be grateful. That makes him dad of the year.

He is awful and it will be interesting to see what happens next year. That's why I've told him now and given him over a year to sort something (save some money for fuel, find somewhere to stay etc etc) to cover my own back when it all goes tits up. I know full well he won't come which will be hurtful for ds and dd. But I can't let ds travel. Not at first, until we are in a solid routine.

Re the pack up - I will be doing that from now on. I don't want to sound a crap mum but I'll be honest and say I've always thought Friday evening is his time so he can sort tea. I also usually go in for a burger myself as it's late when I get back home too. But we can stop that and I'll make a pack up for myself too!

I don't mind them having the odd McDonald's as a treat

And the Burger King you give them every other weekend because it’s convenient for you, of course.

You could pack a healthy salad for them. Or get something else at the service station.

And the Burger King you give them every other weekend because it’s convenient for you, of course.

That is very unfair, @yabbers.

@Yabbers do you have a child with special needs that has been self harming? No? Maybe just maybe once in a while I take the easy route to give myself a break......

Yeah I give my kids a Burger King on the way to drop them with their dad which i really should not be doing as others have pointed out. Especially because he cheated on me whilst pregnant then buggered off to the other side of the country leaving me to raise 2 kids alone - one with additional needs. That's not really convenient for me tbh.....

It is his time and it is his issue to sort, but he's not going to. It's shit that you're the one dealing with it but it's good that you are. You're the one putting the DCs first.

Well he sounds awful but you are really only talking about five meals per fortnight.

And those five meals make them come home feeling ill, so is actually a deterrent if anything.

As long as they are having nutritious food with you, they'll soon come to see which diet they prefer. Junk food that makes them feel sick with their obese dad, or decent food at home with you.

Personally, I wouldn't say anything. It doesn't sound like he'll listen to you or change his ways anyway, and it's only for another year. Bringing it up will cause tension that may make your dc feel unsettled.

I disagree that the meals wob’t Be harmful. My MIL had DD on a Monday and overfed her (at 6, more than an adult should eat) and DH, the GP (DH said I needed to ask the GP before he would go into battle on it, we were going anyway), everyone i spoke to wouldn’t take it seriously. Then we moved away and her appetite completely regulated itself. Before, she was nagging me for food constantly - now, she eats an age-appropriate portion and is full.

I suppose it comes down to whether saying anything will serve a purpose.

Official channels won't be interested. He won't be interested. His parents won't want to get involved. The kids will stop telling you if they think it's causing tensions.

Presumably the children are aware that the reason their father is so large is his food choices?

Agree it would be sensible to make a pack up for Friday evenings. But will Ex still be getting something to eat at Burger King? It wouldn't be unreasonable for him to eat at that time of the evening, but it might be disruptive if he chooses BK.
I would also send the DC with fruit that you know they will eat, and can keep in their bags. Tell them that it is for breakfast, if the only other option is crisps.
Are you still on good term's with Ex's mother? If so, would you be able to call her and express your concerns? If she used to cook for them, she might be amenable to going round to the house and cooking them one meal, or invite the DC to her house.

Those saying it's not that much - 1/7th of their days is 14% of just eating pure crap. And that's assuming OP feeds them perfectly the rest of the time. I should think that's absolutely too much and would be furious.

Fucking crisps for breakfast?? Bloody hell.

@sarahfairy

Actually, yes I do. And I'm at a loss as to what to do about it.

I have no idea why that's relevant though, as I'm simply saying you can't say junk food is only a treat when you then say you do BK when it's convenient.

@HollowTalk why is it?

The OP seems not to be consistent in her views about junk food. She wants to hold her her ex to a higher standard than she herself lives by. Is that fair on him?

I think it IS fair, yes. She's looking after the children for 12/14 days. On the two days he has the children he doesn't cook for them. On that night she's driving them to him, she buys them a burger. Then he gives them nothing but junk food for the two days he has them - ffs, he gives them crisp sandwiches for breakfast.

It’s four days a month. They can’t get obese eating crap four days out of 30/31.

My Dad was a weekend dad and I remember eating a fuck load of junk every single weekend with him. It was just what we did and I enjoyed it. I did not become obese.

I kept being told that @pinktinker but I disagree. It fucks up their appetite / portion expectations for the rest of the month.

Look at it this way. If you had a friend who was struggling with her weight who went to all all-you-can-eat buffet once a week, would you think it was a mystery?

There’s nothing in the op that suggests they’re eating vast amounts. And things like burger and pizza are not pure crap - they are actually food. Bread, tomatoes/lettuce, some meat, some chips. Yes it’s not very healthy, it’s cheap food and and it’s high fat and salt, but it’s not THAT terrible every other weekend. Again I wouldn’t be happy and it’s shit parenting but there are far worse situations.