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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

3.5 year old won't give booked class a try

42 replies

Isitbedtimemaybenearly · 20/07/2019 08:10

DD (3.5) has a regular class at the weekends that she really enjoys. I'm not at all fussy about preschoolers needing to do structured activities but she loves it and has made friends there. It's a bit of fun and it makes her happy. Her usual class doesn't run over the summer so I booked her a free trial of another class. She seemed to enjoy it, i.e. she was participating and laughing all through the trial session and talked about the other kids afterwards. So I booked her a block of six classes over the summer.

However, she's now started saying that she doesn't want to go to the first session, that the class is too scary and the people running it are scary. I've encouraged her to talk about it but she just says it's "scary". I was there the whole time for the trial so nobody can have shouted or spoken to her sharply without my seeing it. It's not a potentially daunting activity like swimming.

My inclination is to tell her just to come along for the first session of six and just give it a try, and we can cancel if she still doesn't want to do it. Part of the reason I'm worried is that she starts preschool soon and she's going to get a shock if she's got into a pattern of thinking she doesn't to "give something a try" as long as she whines (sorry, no other word) and claims to be scared. But equally, I don't want to ignore her feelings or be mean if she's genuinely bothered about it.

Please be gentle if possible!

OP posts:

IsolaPribby · 20/07/2019 08:14

What's the activity?

Original poster

Isitbedtimemaybenearly · 20/07/2019 08:18

"Baby" football. She loves kicking balls around with her friends so I thought she'd enjoy it. The class wasn't structured in a competitive way: just lots of running round and throwing/ kicking balls.

OP posts:

Pipandmum · 20/07/2019 08:21

I’d really try and make her go. Tell her if she really doesn’t like the first proper class she can stop.

GroggyLegs · 20/07/2019 08:23

Hm. I normally tell mine that they have to go, they can sit at the side with me & watch if needs be, but we've made the commitment to turn up. Invariably they've ended up joining in 5 mins in. The exception was one swimming class where a temporary teacher was tbh a bit scary & stoney faced and I took him out.

There was a thread about this before & people were 50/50 over whether it's reasonable to expect a 3yo to understand commitment, but I'm if the same opinion as you - it should begin early.

SavoyCabbage · 20/07/2019 08:27

I would stop talking about it until 20 minutes before it’s time to go then say ‘right, come and get ready for football’ and if she says she doesn’t want to go because it’s scary then say ‘oh I thought you really enjoyed it last time and you were so good at kicking the balls . Well, you don’t have to join in but want to go because I liked watching you play so we can watch’ and then go without any more fussing and talking about it.

And go from there. Tell the coaches she is feels bit reluctant when you get there. Lots of positivity but no pressure.

Ponoka7 · 20/07/2019 08:29

This, things, being described as scary, is a normal development stage. It can reoccur at 4.5.

There's a level of likingvthe attention this brings, as well.

Take her along. Don't make a fuss or give a chouce, just state it as a fact that you are going to have fun instead of going shopping (or anything mundane).

Stayawayfromitsmouth · 20/07/2019 08:29

I think offering the child a choice here was the mistake? Just 10mins before get them ready and bundle them off without telling them what's happening. Hard to tell what has been happening.
My 3.5yo has become a contrary and awkward sod at the moment. One minute he's cuddling me and telling me he loves me next minute he's refusing to do something he loves because he doesn't like it.
It's a phase, trying to assert some independence I assume.
Try distraction and the old bait and switch techniques.
Good luck.

Bin85 · 20/07/2019 08:31

A nice treat afterwards?
Mine didn't always want to go
to mini rugby but enjoyed it once there , the bbq selling lovely hot dogs certainly helped !

Iggly · 20/07/2019 08:31

She’s 3....

Just drop it for now.

My ds was similar, didn’t want to do a football class at that age. I was so keen for him to try and had ridiculous notions that it was important for him to “be committed” to things.

Actually the issue was mine. He was only young and had no concept of commitment etc. And why should he??

In the end we stopped.

He’s now 9 and loves football. Plays with two different groups. I was worrying for nothing.

NeverTwerkNaked · 20/07/2019 08:32

I agree with others, don't discuss it anymore. Take her to the class, encourage her to try it for 5 minutes and she will probably be engrossed in it by then.
I used to get jitters about going back to classes as a child and my parents gave in to them but actually I really enjoyed the classes I would just get nervous in the build up.

Bunnybigears · 20/07/2019 08:35

I would just say as you have paid for it you are going and she can just watch if she wants. I'm pretty sure she will join in at some point.

greathat · 20/07/2019 08:35

Just take her, I bet she loves it

Pinktinker · 20/07/2019 08:37

Take her, I’m sure she’ll love it once she’s there.

nanbread · 20/07/2019 08:38

Just 10mins before get them ready and bundle them off without telling them what's happening.

If I did this to my 3yo DC he would have a complete meltdown!

AvengerDanvers95 · 20/07/2019 08:43

My DD decided she didn't want to go to her swimming lesson a few times (she loves swimming), I said we would go to the pool and she could watch, she ended up joining in and loving it every time.

Different if she's been and not enjoyed it, but if she liked it and then has just let herself get anxious in between sessions I would go, to remind her it's not scary rather than letting fear take over and making her think her fear was reasonable.

CatInADoghouse · 20/07/2019 08:45

I would say don't say anything more about it just take her and then tell her to just sit on the side and watch. She doesn't have to join in just watch. If she doesn't want to join in after seeing the others having fun then you can leave.

CottonSock · 20/07/2019 08:46

My dd wanted to give up rainbows. Cried and cried the second week so we didn't go. Next week I asked if I could stay with her for the session. Now it's her favourite activity. She cried when it finished for the summer. Cab you May be play a part in the session if leaders don't mind?

taylorowmu · 20/07/2019 08:51

Mumsnet is usually in favour of making kids do things they don't want to, apparently it teaches them something.

I'm in the opposite camp, i think one of the most important things you can do for your child is listen.

There is no developmental need to make a 3 year old go to an activity she doesn't want to attend.

Listen.

Original poster

Isitbedtimemaybenearly · 20/07/2019 08:54

Thanks, everyone. This is all really helpful. Just to clarify, I'm not as fussed about the "commitment" aspect (it's different if we've committed to a playdate because it's unkind to disappoint another little child without good reason and she needs to know that's not ok). I think what worries me is getting into a pattern of her refusing to even give things a try. And I think AvengerDanvers has nailed it in talking about unintentionally validating irrational fears. She has a huge imagination and I'm worried that, if we just avoid the things she's formed irrational worries about, rather than approaching them together, it's just going to entrench those fears.

OP posts:

Mintylizzy9 · 20/07/2019 08:55

My son struggled with this football group, we tried it for a few weeks with the promise of a hot chocolate afterwards but he really struggled so we stopped going. It’s a “busy” class, lots of things going on and lots of adults as well as kids, a bit chaotic. My son was fine for the penalty bit as everyone was lined up and the adults stood to the side.

I would encourage her to try but if she does and still doesn’t like it I’d stop and try again in a few months.

Elvesdontdomagic · 20/07/2019 08:56

The mistake here I think is booking 6 classes in advance for a 3yo. I'm sure that's their system so that's why you've done it but it's risky doing that with a toddler/pre-schooler!

Will she go if you stay with her? Otherwise I'd drop the class personally.

Elvesdontdomagic · 20/07/2019 08:58

Just to add I wouldn't worry about teaching her about commitment yet! Plenty of time for that in the future! She's too young for this to be the start of a big life lesson in sticking things out regardless imo.

Original poster

Isitbedtimemaybenearly · 20/07/2019 09:09

Elvesdontdomagic - I'd be with her the whole time. And, honestly, I'm not fussed about her sticking with it for the rest of the block, if she genuinely doesn't enjoy it. It's my money I've wasted and that's not her responsibility. If she sits on the side for twenty minutes and then asks to leave, that's cool.

OP posts:

womaninthedark · 20/07/2019 09:11

I was going to say 'She's three, give her a break' but as you'll be there all the time, it's worth encouraging her to go to one session. You sound nice, not pushy!

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 20/07/2019 09:13

I think the “we’re going to go, but you can sit on the side and watch if you want” is a good compromise. If she genuinely hates it you won’t want to persevere.

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