3.5 year old won't give booked class a try

[Isitbedtimemaybenearly]

DD (3.5) has a regular class at the weekends that she really enjoys. I'm not at all fussy about preschoolers needing to do structured activities but she loves it and has made friends there. It's a bit of fun and it makes her happy. Her usual class doesn't run over the summer so I booked her a free trial of another class. She seemed to enjoy it, i.e. she was participating and laughing all through the trial session and talked about the other kids afterwards. So I booked her a block of six classes over the summer.

However, she's now started saying that she doesn't want to go to the first session, that the class is too scary and the people running it are scary. I've encouraged her to talk about it but she just says it's "scary". I was there the whole time for the trial so nobody can have shouted or spoken to her sharply without my seeing it. It's not a potentially daunting activity like swimming.

My inclination is to tell her just to come along for the first session of six and just give it a try, and we can cancel if she still doesn't want to do it. Part of the reason I'm worried is that she starts preschool soon and she's going to get a shock if she's got into a pattern of thinking she doesn't to "give something a try" as long as she whines (sorry, no other word) and claims to be scared. But equally, I don't want to ignore her feelings or be mean if she's genuinely bothered about it.

Please be gentle if possible!

Does she understand she can go back to her other class after summer? She might think she does this one now and her old class is gone

I should add that I've never had any hesitation about dropping stuff (stay and plays, soft plays, etc) if she says she doesn't like it. With the exception of jabs and dentist, she's never had to do anything she didn't want. But this time, it's something that I saw her enjoy and she's built it up in her imagination in the interim. So I'm torn about whether I'm genuinely helping her if I effectively say "yes, that WAS a scary place" rather than "let's take a little look together and leave before the end if we hate it".

Huh, that's a really good question, TheHandsOfNeilBuchanan. I've explained to her that she can go back to her old class and that they're just on holiday, but she doesn't really understand time at the moment - it's all "yesterday" or "tomorrow" - so she might not have a good understanding that her usual class isn't gone for good.

This does make me smile, as the owner of two teenagers (they're always begging me to leave).

If I were you, I'd say something like: 'I love football and I'd like to go, is that OK? We can just watch if you prefer.' And if she's still set against it, I think you have your answer.

Sounds like great fun, my kids always loved anything with a ball.

It is a tricky one, my son does rugby tots, he regularly tells me he hates rugby tots, but when he’s there he has a good time and sometimes cries when it’s over, so we always go on a Saturday morning to ‘give it a go’.

I always stand on the side and he knows if there is a bit he doesn’t like he can come over and stay with me, which he often does in the first few minutes when they have an unstructured run around.

You sound like a lovely mum OP I think your gentle approach of going along to have a look is a good idea. You'll know if she really hates it and can make a judgement from there. My attitude towards any activity apart from school (and swimming which is an important life skill) is that you should get something from it and enjoy it, otherwise what's the point? Good luck,

Sell it as you going along to watch and you'd like her to come along to watch too for company then there's nothing to get anxious about. It's like you've said, it's irrational fear and, being the sort of person who now struggles massively with anxiety (fear of fear itself) I think it would be great to show her you can do stuff without needing to be anxious in advance. If there's no commitment to join in she has nothing to worry about, and like people say, once she's there she'll probably want to join in.

Thank you, ThisIsNotAIBUPeople. I really appreciate it. I do try but this bit is hard!!

By "this bit" , I mean "dealing with childhood fears without building them up into something huge".

3 year olds can be contrary things. Mine adores gymnastics bur we’ve had the odd day when she doesn’t want to go. I still make her go because I know she loves it. I

I think it would be great to show her you can do stuff without needing to be anxious in advance.

Just what I was thinking. And your gentle approach is ideal for that.

As with most things in life, there is a balance to be struck here and you sound like you have it just right op by asking your DD to attend but not putting pressure on her to participate.

How far we follow our DC down the rabbit hole of anxiety after acknowledging their fear while encouraging them to expand their horizons (and modelling positivity) is a difficult one! (It's an even more difficult balance to strike imho when they are teens.)

It's always good for us to be out of our comfort zones for a little while and perfect to try it out while your mum is sitting on the sidelines.

How many of us, as adults, feel torn when we receive an invitation? We want to go to meet people and talk and have a change of scene, on the other hand, we are tired, we're not feeling particularly confident, our best shoes hurt etc etc? Think how much more pronounced these conflicting thoughts are in a three year old who don't have the experience and foresight to know that they will probably enjoy it once they are there and feel better for going. Your DD is allowed to feel ambivalent. It's how you help her to react to those feelings that is key (ie turning up, and encouraging but not forcing).

Please just take her
My dsd’s where the same so their mother just took them away telling them they didn’t have to to the scary thing
The eldest is now 17 and getting her to do anything is now hell
If she still hates it ten minutes in at least you tried
Please don’t enforce that it’s scary-it won’t get you anywhere

Please just take her
Don't 'just take her' - all that teaches is that her opinion is irrelevant and she has no right to make decisions on how she feels. Encouraging her to go in a non-threatening way (as OP is considering) is much more likely to have a short & long-term positive effect. It says you don't need to stress because you don't need to put pressure on yourself to do something but equally at the same time it's great to take baby steps that may lead to more. And a child that is happy to take baby steps grows into an adult who approaches things with a positive mindset.

Thank you so much, everyone. We popped in for a look and she was cautiously interested. I think we probably won't take it forward as she much prefers her regular class. However, I'm optimistic that we managed to "normalise" the whole thing and dispel some of her anxieties. So I'm glad that we took the majority advice on here. I really appreciate the advice and support.

Yay!

Thank you, FriarTuck