To want to be able to share my childbirth anxieties without being dismissed/told off?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m 26 wks pg with my first and have recently been getting quite freaked out about the possibility something going horrifically wrong with my baby. Now admittedly this is largely my own fault- I have actively sought out all the awful traumatic labour stories, birth injury stories, premature stories, telling myself that if I know what the worst case scenarios are I’ll feel more ready to potentially face them myself. Well, that’s massively backfired because now I lie awake at night worrying endlessly about what will happen if I go into labour tomorrow, if I have complications and my baby ends up in NICU or dying, if I have to have an instrumental birth and end up torn from front to back and left incontinent for the rest of my days, if I’m mentally scarred from a horrifically long and painful labour... you get the picture.

I was telling my DM about my fears about childbirth this evening, and she seemed almost angry with me for having the audacity to be worried! Among her pearls of wisdom were (and these are direct quotes):

“The hospital will NOT let you suffer”
How many stories have I read on here where women have been allowed to suffer? Fucking hundreds!

“I did it, so can you.”
She had one late term stillbirth, one natural birth with a tiny 35 week premie (DB) and one EMCS (me). Hardly a shining example of smooth pregnancy/childbirth experiences there.

“If you want an epidural and have a needle stuck into your back, good luck with that!!”
Yep, apparently if I have an epidural my baby will come out stoned or something...

“I can’t understand women who pour out all their bad experiences that serve no purpose but scare the life out of so many first time pregnant women, who should be enjoying every minute!!!”
This is from the woman who, literally within minutes of being told I was pregnant, started retelling the story to my PILs about her stillbirth...

“Enjoy this experience Angelo, think of all the women who can’t have babies, absorb the wonder of your changing body, and breathe a sigh of relief when it all pops back into place”
It’s hard to “absorb the wonder of my changing body” with random abdominal and sciatic pains, a right thigh that keeps going numb and bloody awful constipation... and she’s still blaming me for the layer of fat she hasn’t been able to shift from the EMCS she had with me in 1985!

And of course, the classic...
“The minute you have that baby in your arms, everything is forgotten!!”
Tell that to the woman who suffer with PND/PTSD after traumatic birth experiences...

I don’t have any friends who’ve had children who I really feel close enough to to share my anxieties with so I was hoping that I’d be able to talk to her about them openly, but now I feel even worse than I did before... I get that in her way she is trying to be supportive, but I just think I’d feel better if she would just admit that my worries aren’t totally irrational at the very least? As it is, she just tells me to STOP WORRYING, and now I feel like I’m failing at pregnancy by not becoming some blossoming Mother Earth type and selfishly not considering how lucky I am to be pregnant in the first place...

OP I would really recommend a few resources for you, one is a book called the Positive Birth Book by Milli Hill, it's a fabulous book all about helping you to have the most positive birth (no matter how it ends up going). The second is a digital Hypnobirthing course by The Positive Birth Company (despite the name, not affiliated with the book, this is run by a lady called Siobhan Miller) - they have a digital pack that is absolutely brilliant, I'm using it at the moment. It's Hypnobirthing but it also has loads of info on birth, labour, and again how to have a positive birth regardless of whether it ends up being at home, labour ward or a caesarean.
I would really recommend seeking positive birth stories online, there's loads on Facebook and Instagram. It's not that things can't go wrong it's more that trying to get a balance of seeing positive births is really helpful.
Feel free to pm me if you would like to. I'm 35 weeks pregnant and both those resources have changed my pregnancy - I was (still am often) so anxious due to some difficult experiences in labour with my eldest and also two miscarriages last year. Someone recommended the book and it all went from there.
Xxxx

It's perfectly normal to be absolutely terrified. I think if you go in with a positive attitude you are already putting yourself in a better position. I did pregnancy yoga where we did exercises to practice coping with the pain (I love yoga anyway but appreciate it's not for everyone!). We also went on a hospital tour which really helped me understand where I'd give birth. Do your research and be prepared - they can't tell you how it's going to go in advance but it's good to know your options.

I think what a pp has said may be right, that your mother may be anxious about your pregnancy. She comes from a generation that weren't encouraged to discuss birth trauma but both stillbirths and prematurity can cause trauma (as we now know). I would be amazed if she's ever had the space to deal with that. So she's wrapping it up for you in a fairly unhelpful way. My mum got quite anxious during my pregnancy as she had preeclampsia with me and thought history would repeat, in the end I actually did have a difficult pregnancy due to placental insufficiency (so not unlike preeclampsia) and a poorly baby so I think she found it all quite tough. I think you need to be referred for some prenatal counselling to tackle your anxieties as they are extreme. I did end up googling worst case scenarios after my son's birth but that was because he had been quite ill, so I had a trauma response from that- it's not very healthy and in the end I had to say yes he might have died but he's here now and he's ok, and move on from it.

I remember it too. Was terrified and crying to my mother who was equally dismissive (Dh cane home from work when he called and I was in tears: he had never heard me so upset). I’ve got vaginismus: so was petrified.. in the end the consultant told the midwives I was getting a c section; that putting me through this stress for a natural birth was ridiculous

YANBU AT ALL. I could have written this. I hated being pregnant - threw up for 30 weeks straight because my morning sickness never went away and developed crippling pre-natal depression and anxiety. It was so bad I had to go for weekly sessions with a psychologist.

Being terrified of birth was a huge contributing factor. I used to have panic attacks and nightmares at the very idea and couldn't stop thinking about all the awful things that could/would happen to me and my baby. The Positive Birth Book frightened me so badly that it caused a hysterical breakdown in my Consultant's office and Ina May have me panic attacks so bad that I had to throw the book away. The consultant banned me from reading birth books I was so stressed and scared.

I have never been so relieved in my life as when I found out my baby was breech and I could have a planned section. I LOVED it. Instead of labouring in agony for an unknown number of hours, and ending up with my vagina ripped asunder and doubly incontinent for life (what I was convinced was going to happen) I got a calm, easy, almost pain free procedure where I knew exactly what was going to happen.

Honestly wish I'd demanded an ELCS at the beginning of my pregnancy, it would have saved me so much stress and grief. Being told to stop worrying didn't help at all

Well I went out yesterday to a few libraries and have taken out some hypnobirthing books and the Maggie Howell CD... going to give them a go and see if that helps at all.

To be fair you come across quite negative about your mothers knowledge of labour. Maybe put a lot more postivity for yourself and towards others and maybe the little narky comments wont affect you so much.

Prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

Have your birth plan and be prepared to throw it out the window.

I have anxiety, now being referred for counselling. It is normal to be worried, you are currently the sole carer of a tiny human and you want it to come out safely.

My first was back to back, 4 days of labour, horrible, epidural, all the other drugs, full spinal, surgery, was a few pushes from emergency c section but they turned her and got her out. I had ventouse and forceps and had a 2cm tear which healed after salt baths.

Everyone's experiences are different and even every birth. The docs and nurses are trained but listen to your body and instincts and if something doesn't feel right then shout about it.

Have you got a birthing partner who you trust to make decisions for you or knows your requests inside out. My dh was amazing and was with me every step of the way. He came to antenatal classes and although doesn't like gore he got on board with all the equipment and drugs and knew what they all did so he could support me and help me make those decisions even when I started to panic.

My epidural I had 4 people holding me down, (fear of needles) hubby had already been to a lumber puncture with me so he knew how I would react and what he needed to do to keep me calm.

Hope the hypnobirthing helps you and you have a smooth birth.

Yanbu, though I expect she is trying to help - she has maybe seen that it didn’t do you any good to read these stories etc and is (misguidedly) hoping that by minimising them you won’t dwell on them so much.

Hopefully some of the resources mentioned her will help you and best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy

Marriedwithchildren5 it’s not that I’m negative about her knowledge of labour, but her experience of “natural” childbirth is limited to a stillbirth and a very small premature baby, and yet she seems to think I should be treating her as an all-knowledgable childbirth and parenting guru, and ignoring everything anyone else says. When I said I’d been reading about other people’s experiences online she told me “They may not be mums, they could even be men ... worst thing about the net!! And PTSD we used to call that postnatal depression. Please don’t read anymore or check with me before believing!”

This is a woman with a psychology degree by the way, not knowing the difference between PND and PTSD...

Throughthenever my DH is going to be with me, we haven’t really gone over birth plans and stuff yet (so far thing only thing I’ve got in my mind is NO FORCEPS) but he is on board with my desire to look into hypnobirthing. Not sure how great he’ll be with the blood and gore type stuff though, he gets very squeamish!

YANBU I had two traumatic miscarriages before I had DD so while I was pregnant I suffered with terrible anxiety throughout. If it wasn't worrying about going to an appointment and being told bad news, then it was worrying about giving birth. I was told im "being silly" and "this time is different and everythings going to be fine"

When my mum gave birth to my brother and sister she had complications in labour. One with the baby. The other, she haemmorrhaged and needed a blood transfusion. Knowing this increased my anxiety.

I was induced because after an episode of reduced movements and had meconium in my waters, so they gave me a drip to 'speed things up' DD also became distressed and that panicked me massively being told this. Once I had her it was an amazing feeling. I was passed my baby for skin to skin for all of 30 seconds before 12-13 doctors rushed in. My DD was taken off me. I wasn't told what was going on. I was having my tummy contracted manually by a doctor while also being jabbed left, right and centre with cannulas and injections. It turned out I had haemmorrhaged and was clotting on the inside and it was a dangerous situation.

FWIW OP bad things can happen. Regardless of anxiety or having no anxiety. But I assure you that the doctors in hospitals are amazing. They resolve the issue as fast as possible and they are so focused. No matter how much people are crying and panicking. Ignore people who say "oh you don't need to panic" because no one and I mean no one can predict how labour will be. It's massively different each time and for each person. But 8/10 a couple of months later. You don't fully forget the experience, but your bundle of joy makes it so worth it. It's so rewarding being a parent.

I hope your anxiety alleviates enough for you to enjoy your pregnancy (I miss being pregnant so bloody much) before the hard work starts. I wish you all the best

You've got some really good advice here op.

I'm just chiming in to say that on paper, my birth should have been awful, it looked nothing at all like my birth plan.

26 hour induction, epidural, constant monitoring, scalp monitor put on ds, hypertensive crisis and hyperpyrexia (both can be extraordinarily dangerous), two tears (one forward one back and two sets of stitches) that took aaaages to heal.

But even with all that, honestly, it was fine.

The epidural helped with the pain and I was far too busy pushing to notice my blood pressure and temperature going through the roof.

I was more angry about the thundering great bloody bruise on the top of ds's head where the scalp monitor had been (I had asked if it would hurt him and they said no, which was quite clearly a flagrant lie and I probably wouldn't have agreed to it had they been honest with me) than with anything else.

The worst part about the whole thing was the postnatal ward and I was only there one night.

I'd quite happily give birth again, it wasn't brilliant but it wasn't as awful as I thought it might be. I was absolutely shit scared beforehand too.

And I'd take labour over late pregnancy any day.

OP, tbh, it doesn't sit well with me that you talk so dismissively ('her experience is limited to', 'hardly a shining example') of your mother's birth experiences when she's had a stillbirth. I think a bit of respect for the difficulty and trauma of that experience would behove you. These posts of yours can't be easy for other posters whop have had stillbirths to read.

You don't have to discuss your fears with her if doing so is not helping you. Her response to your pregnancy and impending birth will be profoundly affected by her own experiences, and for this reason perhaps she is not the right place for you to find support and encouragement.

Billy wig has just reminded me of the monitor they stuck to dds head.... I could feel the line wiggling about every time I contracted it was really weird 😂

The forceps did cut dds head but it was the only way she was coming out.

Just remember you may not want something but if it's the quickest and safest way to deliver baby dont dismiss it unless you really really really dont want it.

I wanted a natural birth in water... I didn't even get close. However I dont feel like a missed out because I had my baby and she was ok.

Get your dh on board if he is the one helping you. Its intense and hard work.

If you find music relaxing load up your ipod or similar with loads of music you like. Singing distracts me so I had loads of songs I could sing too. The midwives probably thought I was mad but It helped.

Also gas and air is amazing.

I find people minimise child birth when they dont want to remember it or had a traumatic birth and struggle to talk about it.

After birth you can request a discussion with the consultants after to talk through it and what happened. My friend did this as she felt she failed after needing emergency c section but it helped her to realise that there was nothing she could have done.

Make sure you keep talking but try not to read into too many horror stories. Your birth is your own and no 2 are the same

People do minimise labour, it really isn't fun. All I can say to you OP is I did have a long early labour, I did need instrumental intervention, I did tear and I did need an episiotomy and I bloody well did have the epidural. DS and I are both absolutely fine. I healed surprisingly quickly and DS is active and healthy. I will never say it was joyous or magical etc. It was a means to an end and the end is absolutely worth it.

I've had a variety of difficulties with pregnancy and birth, and its normal to be anxious - its a big unknown, you don't know what's going to happen etc, but you will get through this one way or the other. At this stage, you're giving birth regardless, so inform yourself about what your choices are - hospital or home birth, epidural or pethidine etc.

If you have any in the area, birthing classes can be lovely, lots of information about labour and birth, how to breathe properly, good positions etc and relaxation exercises. You'll also meet others you may be able to talk to. If you have a bumps and babes coffee morning nearby you can meet people ahead of time and get info on what the nearby hospitals etc are like.

Sounds like you have a less than easy relationship with her to begin with. An emotive situation e.g. pregnancy and having a newborn to care for is only going to highlight that.

I'd say put boundaries in place. Don't get sucked into conversations on topics you know will set off a spiral of negativity (for you or her). Just practise going "uh huh" and changing the topic to something neutral. Grey rock her basically.

Are you doing an nct class? You need other people to talk to about baby stuff, she is clearly not the right person to do that with, but you still need an outlet besides DH.

Completely understandable to be worried OP. Try not to let it take you over and spoil your pregnancy.

I was worried about labour when I had my first, wasted time writing up a birth plan because I was advised too! Why I don’t know because birth cannot be planned in my experience. I was going for everything going to reduce pain etc. But I have to say I was pleasantly surprised and it was much easier than I expected. I have had natural deliveries with both of my two, didn’t even need gas & air.

Good luck OP, whatever happens once you have your baby it is so worth it.

All you have heard about with regards to childbirth are the worst case scenarios, there are significantly more non eventful birthing stories that you never hear about because they are unremarkable. There wouldn't be birthing centers and midwife led units if uneventful births were uncommon.

Your anxieties are justified and I'm not sure what would help to reassure you as there is no telling how your birth will go and how you will cope after, however I will tell you my stories. DS1 was born on his due date (woke up in labor), water birth with gas and air and weighing a comfortable 7lb13oz. DS2 was born at 35wks following SROM, went into labor 4 days after waters went (enough time for steroids to get working), gas and air only and weighing 5lb8oz. We went home after 4 days following a course of prophylactic antibiotics.

I was very anxious throughout both my completely healthy pregnancies - I mean all the way through. I don’t know why, can’t explain it but I was. I am usually a very sensible and laid back person.

Both my labours were straight forward, painful - yes but not in a ‘I am going to die way.’ Happy healthy babies, a bit of PND but overall very positive experiences for me.

Being anxious I think is very normal, so sharing should be to. I am totally with you about women who share their horror stories - why???!!!

Having had a stillbirth myself I have some compassion for your mother here. I wonder (and I don't know her so I may be way off base) if perhaps she's had to be very controlled emotionally in regards to that experience in order to move on with her life. In my experience with people, an approach like that helps someone remain functional and helps them cope, but can also "harden" them somewhat. If they can't be compassionate to themself, and their own experience, they just don't have anything to give someone else. Not sure if that's the case with your Mum, but it could be that she's not trying to hurt you. She's doing the best she can in the situation. But she isn't the person who can give you what you need to feel better, no matter how much she cares)

I'm sure you already know all the statistics and therefore you know the most likely outcome is that you end up with a healthy baby and a healthy Mum. But I can see that doesn't help your anxiety. Because it's not just a fear of what could happen, it's a fear that you won't be able to handle it.

In a subsequent pregnancy I had a NICU baby with sepsis, I had a haemorrhage and we were separated for the first 24 hours. All of it was really really hard at the time, but it's a year later now and I'm fine. I'm not traumatised, and my son is so lovely. As hard as it was to get through, when it was actually happening it was much easier than I'd imagined. By which I mean I coped better than I expected. You just do what you need to minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day. The sun still rises, the radio still plays, your pets still get fed. No matter what happens (and it could be a nice easy labour, you breathe the baby out and skip home without so much as a graze) the world will still continue, and you will find yourself on the other side with your pregnancy a part of your history, and you will be a Mum.

And I loved the epidural! So much so that the next time I requested one as soon as possible!

OP, tbh, it doesn't sit well with me that you talk so dismissively ('her experience is limited to', 'hardly a shining example') of your mother's birth experiences when she's had a stillbirth. I think a bit of respect for the difficulty and trauma of that experience would behove you. These posts of yours can't be easy for other posters whop have had stillbirths to read.

I have nothing but respect and compassion for the difficulty and trauma of stillbirth having had the story of my mothers experience told to me in graphic detail, repeatedly, since I was a child. It was the first story she told again when DH and I told her I was pregnant, and has come up at least once in virtually every conversation we’ve had since. I certainly don’t want to be dismissive of anyone’s personal circumstances but I don’t think it’s wrong to bear in mind that she does not have experience of labouring with a full-term baby, and hammering her own stillbirth story into my head over and over again is much less than helpful.
But every conversation or text message exchange I have with her these days will invariably end up about my pregnancy- she gets cross if I don’t want to talk to her about it, then she gets cross if I want to talk about what’s worrying me, or she gets cross if she doesn’t agree with any choices I’m thinking of making (which seems to be most of them). She tells me not to worry about worst case scenarios and just listen to her when as far as I can imagine, a stillbirth followed by a NICU premie and then an EMCS with a transverse baby has got to be pretty high up there...

TBH your mum sounds traumatised herself. I think you would be better off speaking to a friend or professional about your worries.
They are totally natural by the way. Try not to focus on bad stories. Try and get a balance. I'm currently pregnant again. I had ptsd after my first. I'm not going to lie, I am very anxious, but all the anguish is worth it when I look at my DC.
Btw I'm a bit uncomfortable with people recommending you get an elective section. That's what I had with horrible complications thrown in the mix. It's not necessarily an easier or safer option.

Again, reading your update. You have no sympathy for your dm and yet expect her to understand your anxieties. She's had 1 still born. 1 prem and 1 cs. Perhaps there's a reason shes exasperated by you and your attempts to seek out negativity.

You do seem to be seeking out things to worry about. While it’s true that some women do have a tough time most don’t.
Millions of women do this all the time. Perhaps this is what you need to focus on.