To want to be able to share my childbirth anxieties without being dismissed/told off?

[AngeloMysterioso]

I’m 26 wks pg with my first and have recently been getting quite freaked out about the possibility something going horrifically wrong with my baby. Now admittedly this is largely my own fault- I have actively sought out all the awful traumatic labour stories, birth injury stories, premature stories, telling myself that if I know what the worst case scenarios are I’ll feel more ready to potentially face them myself. Well, that’s massively backfired because now I lie awake at night worrying endlessly about what will happen if I go into labour tomorrow, if I have complications and my baby ends up in NICU or dying, if I have to have an instrumental birth and end up torn from front to back and left incontinent for the rest of my days, if I’m mentally scarred from a horrifically long and painful labour... you get the picture.

I was telling my DM about my fears about childbirth this evening, and she seemed almost angry with me for having the audacity to be worried! Among her pearls of wisdom were (and these are direct quotes):

“The hospital will NOT let you suffer”
How many stories have I read on here where women have been allowed to suffer? Fucking hundreds!

“I did it, so can you.”
She had one late term stillbirth, one natural birth with a tiny 35 week premie (DB) and one EMCS (me). Hardly a shining example of smooth pregnancy/childbirth experiences there.

“If you want an epidural and have a needle stuck into your back, good luck with that!!”
Yep, apparently if I have an epidural my baby will come out stoned or something...

“I can’t understand women who pour out all their bad experiences that serve no purpose but scare the life out of so many first time pregnant women, who should be enjoying every minute!!!”
This is from the woman who, literally within minutes of being told I was pregnant, started retelling the story to my PILs about her stillbirth...

“Enjoy this experience Angelo, think of all the women who can’t have babies, absorb the wonder of your changing body, and breathe a sigh of relief when it all pops back into place”
It’s hard to “absorb the wonder of my changing body” with random abdominal and sciatic pains, a right thigh that keeps going numb and bloody awful constipation... and she’s still blaming me for the layer of fat she hasn’t been able to shift from the EMCS she had with me in 1985!

And of course, the classic...
“The minute you have that baby in your arms, everything is forgotten!!”
Tell that to the woman who suffer with PND/PTSD after traumatic birth experiences...

I don’t have any friends who’ve had children who I really feel close enough to to share my anxieties with so I was hoping that I’d be able to talk to her about them openly, but now I feel even worse than I did before... I get that in her way she is trying to be supportive, but I just think I’d feel better if she would just admit that my worries aren’t totally irrational at the very least? As it is, she just tells me to STOP WORRYING, and now I feel like I’m failing at pregnancy by not becoming some blossoming Mother Earth type and selfishly not considering how lucky I am to be pregnant in the first place...

Feel free to share away! YANBU and women should be able to talk about childbirth, positive and negative, without being made to feel like it's not an appropriate topic of conversation.

For what its worth, it's very normal to go through this sort of anxiety during pregnancy. I'm not trying to minimise or dismiss your feelings, I've had four children and each time I went through brief stages of worrying it was all going to go wrong, wondering what the hell I was letting myself in for, deciding that I couldn't do it and I'd changed my mind about having a baby ("but you're 6cms dilated, Mrs Maui..."). For all it's common though, if it starts to occupy your mind more than it should or starts to affects your enjoyment of your normal activities then please speak to your midwife about it. She gets paid to look after you and that includes your mental health too.

now I feel like I’m failing at pregnancy by not becoming some blossoming Mother Earth type and selfishly not considering how lucky I am to be pregnant in the first place...

I never did the blossoming Mother Earth thing. My style was more wilting, shrivelled, Golum from LOTR with an underlying odour of vomit (HG).

I get where you're coming from but I do think you need to get your mindset focused on a more positive outcome and stop seeking out evidence of what can go wrong. You can't prepare yourself for the worst by learning all about it whilst pregnant.

I remember vividly thinking I would never, ever forget childbirth and my experience. But genuinely two years down the line and it's a distant memory (long painful back to back labour, preeclampsia and crippling PND). It's how the human race continues I guess.

When the time comes there's an element of it which is out of your control. I think that was my biggest fear and maybe what you're dwelling on here, the unknown. One way to prepare for that is to decide on flexible birth choices, so you're prepared for all eventualities.

From the outside I'd say that someone who has suffered a still birth and other complicated pregnancies may find their own child now preparing to give birth terrifying. Maybe that's why she reacted that way? Rather than it being out of frustration etc

your anxieties are normal, we all had them first time around. things might go well, they might not - no one knows.

i guess a a somewhat kinder way of saying wht your mum did is - as long as you have gotten all the information and had conversations with the healthcare professionals involved then as long as you remain assertive and articulate your needs and fears to those professionals, ther is nothing more you can do. this is not to mnimise your fears. like i said we all had them, but in your shoes - as someone who has gone through this - believe me when i say that you should concentrate on things that make you laugh or smile. you can fill each day with either darkness or not. and i think you should try and find more happiness, humour and things that make you smile. because beyond the conversations with your heathcare professinals, beyond being informed and remaining assertive and sure of your needs, it is beyond your control.

btw if you want an epidural and there is no medical reason not to - then have one. i am extremely pain averse. everyone will say they are - but i really have a low pain threshold. i asked for an epi the midwives ummed and ahhed abut it because of baby lethargy, however i insisted because i remained assertive.

I did this so I know exactly where you are coming from. I was high risk and convinced I was going to loose baby, read everything bad online, didn't enjoy any of the pregnancy because I was so scared. That pregnancy ended with a Healthy baby. After that I lost a baby and it was dreadful, it was just as sad as I thought it would be, however I'd spent my first healthy pregnancy being that scared for no reason. My last healthy pregnancy I managed to start to realise that I had no control over what would happen so I could either spend the time being scared and sad or enjoy the time I had being pregnant and looking forward to baby. Good luck op, your fears aren't irrational but you have no control over it so don't spend your days fearful.

I have 2 kids. I did not bloom in either pregnancy. By the time hg stopped I had polyhydramniosis and pelvic girdle pain followed by piles.
I was also frightened of a still birth or baby being injured during delivery. In fact from 25 weeks onwards with my first I kept looking up premie survival rates and long term health issues. I developed anti natal depression and anxiety and my midwife was brilliant and referred me to a mh midwife to talk through the increasing anxiety I had. It really helped to be able to put all my concerns into a bigger picture and talk through in a helpful way about if there were problems what I could ask for or do. My first baby was a very long labour (I had all the drugs that was the good part. I was off my head on morphine). Baby was huge and after a bit of scare we were all ok. 2nd baby I had a section and it was amazing. Even when he shat all over me during the skin to skin at 25 minutes old. Talking through my anxieties to get a grip on them and gain perspective really did help. Please talk to your midwife so it doesn't overshadow the 3rd trimester for you.

farrowandballsack she doesn’t seem terrified on my behalf, if anything it’s like she’s trying to position herself as some leading authority on all things pregnancy, childbirth and parenting... other things she’s said to me have included “take care of my baby, and for you just put on baby not fat!” telling me I was absolutely crazy to even consider requesting an ELCS as the recovery is horrific, saying that all women can breastfeed and those who say they can’t just give up too easily...

Thanks for all the responses so far and sorry my OP was so long! I know I’m not doing myself and favours and I am trying to relax and just let myself enjoy it but it’s so hard... even when the baby is wriggling like crazy which should be a reassurance, I’m worrying it’s a sign he’s in distress! I have suffered with anxiety and depression in the past (as well as having a fairly complicated relationship with my DM which has been the subject of more than one thread) so I have been on the lookout for signs of AND but I honestly don’t think that’s what this is... I’m looking into hypnobirthing and pregnancy yoga as I think that might help me to get in the right mindset.

Save yourself from all this anguish and have an elective CS. Its honestly such a calm, controlled and safe experience. There was a few threads recently of posters talking about their experiences vs childbirth. I also had a CS and will be having another one.

Meant ECS vs VD childbirth.

All thoes things you said in op are not necessarily traumatic and terrible 100%. They can all have a positive sides that outweigh the negatives. Humans are strange creatures. If given the option of rewriting history and deleting the part where I was pregnant with ds2 (stillborn at 36weeks), I would never do it. I feel proud and blessed to have been ds2 mother. I remember a lot of his pregnancy fondly. If I could change and let him live I would but never delete his pregnancy and feeling his kicks.

With ds3 who was 7 weeks premature, he only spent 15 days in hospital and hasn't been back. We just waited until they reduced his oxygen to zero and then for him to be awake long enough to have an adequate feeding. Then we were discharged. There was no trauma there. He is a handful strong almost 3yr now.

One thing that I found really useful was taking advantage of talking therapy. To my suprise I was fast tracked because I was pregnant (with ds3). I had to self refer but that was a only one telephone call.

Angelo, you are like many other pregnant women - a lot share your worries but not usually for the entire pregnancy. Hormones take over and serenity takes the place of anxiety.

I'm sure you will be fine on the day.

Good luck .

You should hear the crap I get sometimes for having an elective C section.
I’ve had people say I can’t be a proper mother because I haven’t experienced birth, I’ve had people say I’m too posh to push. I’ve been called a drain on the NHS, I’ve been told I can’t have bonded properly with my baby....the list does continue, this is both in my personal life and some strangers on the internet.
For what it’s worth my C section was the best experience I can imagine, I was virtually pain free after, healed brilliantly and was very mobile, I’m putting this (in part) down to the fact that I didn’t spend hours in an exhausting labour and then need a section anyway, because that has got to take a toll on the body. This is just my experience.

Apparently to some people because I didn’t suffer through a labour and birth that somehow means I’m unqualified to be a good parent...it’s not a competition about who can take the most pain or who suffered the most for their child, the baby doesn’t care!
My way of coping with unwanted/unsupportive opinions was to just tell myself over and over again in my head that I am doing the best I know how, I am doing it with the best interests of my baby and myself in mind and that it is no one else’s business but mine.

I think sometime people think that by being a bit callous and having a ‘just get on with it’ attitude they are helping by making you realise that millions of women do this all the time with no issues....to which I say great....I’m not millions of women, I am me , with my own set of worries and fears and you don’t get to invalidate that because you did it differently. If you can’t support me then please go away.

Also about the epidural thing...my spinal was bloody fantastic, I really enjoyed the sensation, but I’m a little bit odd like that 😂

People get emotional when you talk about childbirth. Any view that you express can put people on the defensive. Everything gets taken personally, as if your own choices are somehow a judgement on theirs, or a judgement on the fact that something went "wrong" with their birth so they had to have some sort of intervention or a C sec.

I think it's common for women to carry guilt around childbirth so it's difficult to talk about possible outcomes without upsetting someone.

C-section do go wrong to at times and that is why they make you sing a consent form before doing having one. The doctors have a plan in place should anything happen. They are more than enough equipped to deal with a lot of situations. Same thing with the epidural. I would advise you to actually read about the common side effects of having an epidural to avoid unessessary worries. For example there is a reason they insist on a cannula before inserting. The epidural can drop your blood pressure which in turn can effect babies heart temporarily. The doctor would just administer a quick drug and you and baby would be back to normal in minutes. I had an epidural that work first attempt and took away all the pain. One minute was in really bad pain the next I asked where the remote was as I was ready to watch whatever nonsense that was on the tv and let my birthing partners sleep. I was to excited to sleep.

Weirdly chanting I'm not a hyena but a cow helped to. I grew up in a farm and the cows I seen give birth looked fine and I read during pregnancy about how bad hyena births are. How they haven't gone extinct I don't know.

It is good to talk about both good experiences and bad. Its ok to be scare of childbirth. Afterall, in human history it was one of the biggest killer of women who are otherwise healthy.

Please cut yourself off from google once your baby arrives. If you take the same approach to motherhood as you have to pregnancy you will spend the entire time convinced your baby is broken. Google really is your worst enemy as a new mother.

Had you looked into hypnobirthing ? It's all about making sure your in control of the situation and being informed as well as understanding your body , it might really help

Talk to the midwife you like and trust the most. You need a health care professional with the skills to hear you without judgement.

coffeeaddiction I am interested in trying hypnobirthing, heading to the library today to get some books out. I’d really like to try a course but they’re a few hundred pounds and DH and I just don’t have that to spare at the moment.

I’d really recommend The Positive Birth Company’s online digital pack. It’s about £40 and covers the same content as their face to face sessions which are hundreds of pounds. I just had my baby and it really helped me.

I was going to recommend the positive birth company, it’s really accessible and reasonably priced I think. It’s so normal to be anxious and worry, it’s a precious thing and lots of things are out of your control. Speak to your midwife about your anxiety, there may well be support available that can help. But also do yourself a favour and either step away from googling all the awful birth stories OR also allow yourself to read stories from women who had good experiences with good outcomes. Good luck OP.

My hospital did a fear release session for those referred. Could you see if yours does something similar? I did hypnobirthing and it did help me a lot as I was quite anxious about bad outcomes. I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be scared. Childbirth is logically one of the most risky things you’ll ever do. However, staff are there to manage those risks and make clinical decisions that should help to keep you safe. And lots of women have lovely births. I had one that was hideous and one that was textbook amazing.

Should have said the fear release classes were free at my hospital.

Twistytop has it in one. It’s all so personal and emotive and hormonal that it’s hard to get objective information. I am in disbelief at some pp who say that they loved their section because it’s my personal idea of hell, but if you keep reading threads like this you see that for everyone who thinks it’s hell there’s someone else who thinks it’s heaven. So unfortunately that means most people’s story’s are useless because ultimately it’s all about you!