To really, really hate it when people put *sigh* in their posts?

[Titsywoo]

When it's directed at another poster I mean. It doesn't have to be directed at me (I don't think that's ever happened actually) but it just makes me so annoyed. It's bloody patronising. Pisses me right off.

AIBU? (I'm definitely not )

It’s the mention of ‘simples’ that gives me the vapours.

I HATE “Are you on glue”. It makes me rage, it’s so juvenile.

The one I can’t stand is when people say that something is your friend. For example, poster comes along and says oooh I like jersey dresses with obnoxious patterns and someone responds with “white stuff is your friend”.

And people supposedly spitting their tea out due to the absolute hilarity of the thread

YANBU - out of all the ones mentioned above is still the absolute worse.

All references to popcorn have had their day.

Posters starting their sentences with 'So...'
Fucking irritating.
As is ending a huge, pointless, ridiculously pathetic moan with 'rant over.' Why? I know it's over.. It's the end of your post!!

I also hate;

• Hubby
• When posters OTT explain food. A drizzle of this, sprinkle of that. Then pop, bung or throw it on.
• Crotch fruit.

I blame SM for a lot of these.

Any horrible combination of foodstuffs, usually involving beans, cheese and super noodles being described as "food of the Gods" when it's actually more like slops in a bucket.

I cannot stand 'makes my teeth itch' ARGHHH!!

Nobody on MN is ever going anywhere. They’re all heading.

To be fair, I have quite genuinely spat my tea back into my mug while reading some of the hilarious posts on MN. It was that or inhale tea and choke! Good job I live alone.
There are some very witty and funny posters on here. I still chuckle over the “sett menu” post on the DH feeding the DC on badger meat, and the “help, I’ve fucked a trifle” thread.

"Naice" to imply pretentiousness etc has been around forever, Mumsnet didn't invent that one (not saying that all posters think that, but some do).
And I remember that "naice ham" thread, which wasn't actually that funny.

Also the phrase 'cooking from scratch', as though you've harvested all the vegetables and milled the flour etc.

I had to stop reading a thread the other day because the OP bizarrely concluded her every response with "haha" (nothing particularly funny was being said) and for some reason it got to me...

I have a horribly literal imagination, so phrases like "lost my shit" and "give your head a wobble" conjure up really ridiculous images.

One of my most disliked openings is "You do realise..." It just sounds so snotty and condescending.

A drizzle of this, sprinkle of that. Then pop, bung or throw it on

Later, to be inhaled by the DC.

"Boils my piss" boils my piss.
Gives me horrible thoughts of cystitis.

I cannot believe no one has mentioned the fucking biscuit!

I really live in hope that it gets deleted. It’s not funny or original and particularly when coupled with “here, have my first biscuit” makes me want to reach through my screen and punch that poster

Shirley you know you're just cross because it's a jammy dodger.
A custard cream would have fine, I bet.

(I hate it too. And - a bit like Margot in "The Good Life" wailing, "WHY is it funny?" - I never really get it.)

I hate "you sound like hard work". It seems such an unkind thing to say somehow.

This is a bit niche, but 'fry off' as opposed to just 'fry' pisses me off. I know it's not a MN thing exclusively, but literally nobody on here is capable of saying 'fry the onions'.

Bit like "pan-frying".

"No, no, it'll be grand; I'll just throw them straight on the hob"

I always wonder why people say “have my first LTB” as if it’s some special honour. Just plain “LTB” is fine!

Asta I can sort of get the meaning behind that one - I think it's meant to be shorthand for "I'm not the kind of poster who starts throwing LTB around just because your partner left the top off the toothpaste once, but what I've read here is SO wrong that for the first time after reading one of these posts I genuinely think you should leave this man". I think it's meant to be a reflection on how out of line the described behaviour is, rather than the LTB-bestower trying to big themselves up per se.

@WhenOneFacePalmDoesntCutIt

Thank you for the link to Snapped and Farted.
So now I know. But it didn't have me rolling in the aisles either.