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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

.....to think that LTB

32 replies

BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 09:14

is the best possible advice in practically every thread in Relationships?

I know it’s not that easy with children and complicated financial arrangements, but fuck me, women put up with some crap, don’t they?

OP posts:
Pipandmum · 19/07/2019 09:15

What is LTB?

RobinHobb · 19/07/2019 09:19

In a perfect world yes they would all ltb...
But yes I do wonder why men hate women so much sometimes

MsVestibule · 19/07/2019 09:19

I agree. It's really not easy to leave, but reading threads in Relationships and AIBU makes me appreciate my imperfect DH a lot more. I too can't believe the shit that some women put up with, without it seems, many balancing redeeming features.

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/07/2019 09:20

On the internet, absolutely. In real life things are far more nuanced.

hadthesnip2 · 19/07/2019 09:37

I agree 100% @BertrandRussell. I realise that MN is a site where people come for help & advice, but jeez.....there seems to be a lot of women living with abusive, controlling & generally nasty men. And they seem to put up with it.....certainly for a period of time before they come on here and ask..."Aibu"...etc. etc. Most of the time I read a post & think "I would have walked years ago...".

Original poster
BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 09:41

I realise that we are only seeing one side of the story- but all these women taking the full load of work and family, the “50:50” couples where the woman’s 50% is all the shopping and cleaning and washing and washing up and the man’s is some cooking, putting up shelves and putting oil in the car. The women in new relationships being dangled on a string and trying frantically to interpret cryptic texts. The men who gaslight and insult and humiliate. Not to mention the ones who are just a bit crap and don’t remember birthdays. The women who buy and wrap their own Christmas presents so the children won’t wonder why mum didn’t
get anything......I could go on.
But I won’t.

OP posts:
JaceLancs · 19/07/2019 09:49

Probably why I’ve spent most of my adult life living alone!
I’ve had quite a few long term relationships - some living together and have been married once - but have on the whole been disappointed at how many men treat women
All I ask for is to be treated as an equal - share responsibilities and be respected - you wouldn’t think that was so hard to find
I’m not even convinced it’s down to age as my DF at 93 has always been a fantastic role model - shared chores and childcare and treated DM as his equal in all ways

Lllot5 · 19/07/2019 09:53

Do you think there’s a dadsnet somewhere?
Men examining every text to see if ‘she’ likes him? Exploring every conversation to find hints of her intentions? Talking to his mates about whether she loves him or not?
Losing weight cutting their hair?
No nor me.
Why do women do it ? So frustrating.

BuzzShitbagBobbly · 19/07/2019 09:54

Agree.

It's especially heartbreaking when you see an AIBU where OP is superficially totally U, and gets reamed for it.

But then it develops and she is living a life of pure misery and this was just the final straw.

Yet she gets absolutely shat all over by MNers when she's really subliminally seeking "permission" to tell him to fuck right off.

LettuceP · 19/07/2019 09:57

Couldn't agree more. Shocks me to see what some women put up with, and it makes me sad.

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/07/2019 10:02

And is leaving always going to be the right answer when children are involved?

madcatladyforever · 19/07/2019 10:05

Luckily I'm financially independent so I don't have to put up with any shit whatsoever. If a bloke displeases me he is dumped.
However if you have three kids and don't work it must be terrible trying to decide what to do.
A life on benefits in a hostel would not fill me with joy. I'd probably just poison the bastard instead and make it look like an accidental death.
But flippancy aside nobody should have to put up with these men but some have little or no choice.
Personally I'd rather just have one child and a career so I could leave if I had to.

BadLad · 19/07/2019 10:06

Men examining every text to see if ‘she’ likes him? Exploring every conversation to find hints of her intentions? Talking to his mates about whether she loves him or not?
Losing weight cutting their hair?

I don't know (or understand) about "losing weight cutting their hair", but the examining and agonising over texts, and asking other men about women's intentions certainly goes on.

JacquesHammer · 19/07/2019 10:07

but fuck me, women put up with some crap, don’t they?

Yup. It never ceases to amaze me how low some women will set the bar.

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/07/2019 10:08

The problem is in a lot of cases that a vindictive ex can cause more trouble than a lazy or inconsiderate partner.

PickAChew · 19/07/2019 10:11

Yanbu. I put up with too much crap, for too long, myself.

Original poster
BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 10:17

“And is leaving always going to be the right answer when children are involved?“
If the alternative is modelling an unequal and unhappy relationship then yes.

No, he is not a “great dad” if he does not treat the mother of his children well.

OP posts:
redexpat · 19/07/2019 10:17

The thing is there is such an emphasis placed on working at relationships and compromise, but Ive never seen anyone mention outside of MN that its ok to have certain things that you wont compromise on.

continuallychargingmyphone · 19/07/2019 10:18

Who said anything about great dads? Confused

How about living in poverty, having to drop your children at Disney dads EOW who poisons their minds against you. How about having no family while he has a large extended one who the children like to visit?

Shoxfordian · 19/07/2019 10:19

I completely agree @BertrandRussell
Ltb is now in my predictive text because of how often I type it!

I'm always amazed when people post they've never advised it before tbh, have they only just joined?!

DCICarolJordan · 19/07/2019 10:20

Completely, completely agree. I am gobsmacked on a daily basis at what I read here (and makes me fucking grateful for the absolute gem that I was lucky enough to end up with)

Original poster
BertrandRussell · 19/07/2019 10:22

@continuallychargingmyphone- I did say earlier about finance making it very difficult.

And I said about “great dads” because that’s something women in crap relationships often say “but he loves the children- he’s a great dad”

OP posts:
gingerbreadsprinkle · 19/07/2019 10:23

I'm ashamed to say this but... Love Island has taught me a lot about men. Of course not all men are like that but there are a high number of men that are very good liars, and are such good actors when it comes to pretending to care when they're only looking out for themselves. It's such a simple concept but it's really educational viewing.

LaVieilleHarpie · 19/07/2019 10:34

YANBU. I am baffled that so many women stay with inadequate, inferior men.

ThorosOfMyr · 19/07/2019 10:45

Agreed 100%.

I am constantly amazed how much crap some women allow in their relationships and also when they post about it and are universally told to get out of the relationship the list of excuses they find is endless.

I understand leaving and change is hard. Especially with kids involved. I see it in real life - women who would prefer to be in a relationship no matter how awful, rather than on their own.

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