.....to think that LTB

[BertrandRussell]

is the best possible advice in practically every thread in Relationships?

I know it’s not that easy with children and complicated financial arrangements, but fuck me, women put up with some crap, don’t they?

Yes, there are certainly a lot of crap men out there. But at the same time we are only ever hearing one side of the story, and there is always a great rush to condemn sometimes quite minor, if annoying, behaviour and shout "LTB".

“and there is always a great rush to condemn sometimes quite minor, if annoying, behaviour and shout "LTB".”
I honestly don’t think there is. I think there is a lot of excusing crap behaviour from men, a lot of “what are they like, bless ‘em” threads, a lot of excusing porn use and lap dance and strip clubs “so long as he doesn’t have a private dance” threads. I think it’s very unusual for there to be a chorus of LTB over anything minor- that’s o e of the myths of Mumsnet.

Also while people can and do change, and we do hear about men leaving women in the lurch after 20+ years of marriage, a lot of the situations on MN seem to have been created by rushing to settle down and have a baby (or several) with someone you haven't lived with at all, don't know very well, and certainly haven't got through the "honeymoon" phase of a relationship. Men who, yes, they should have used contraception but perhaps never wanted to be a dad, or not for five years, or not with that person. This creates a ton of resentment from the off and is really not a good start.

As I say, it's not a foolproof recipe for success, and people who get together quickly can work as well, but generally speaking it is much better to have known each other and lived together for a few years so you are well past seeing them through rose tinted spectacles. You know they fart in bed, leave dirty socks rolled up and are crap at loading the dishwasher. And to be married and settled in accommodation before you have children- which have been planned together.

I’m all for working at it to improve the relationship but that takes both parties.
If a woman is with an abusive and selfish person, he’s most likely not going to change so what choice does she have?
She can’t change the relationship by herself so LTB is the only realistic choice.

I’m often amazed that the women who post here have managed to tolerate their appalling husbands for so long. Frequently, there seems to be absolutely nothing salvageable in the relationships they describe: no amount of counselling or compromise is going to help. However, some of the exhortations to leave immediately feel silly and irresponsible to me - far better, as far as possible, to leave your relationship prepared, supported and on your own terms.

The only time I feel slightly less than sympathetic is when it’s clear that someone has knowingly married a dead loss who will likely make an awful parent - this seems very harsh on the kids when LTB becomes the only viable option.

www.google.com/amp/s/www.independent.co.uk/news/uk/home-news/domestic-abuse-homelessness-crisis-partners-rough-sleeping-a8935096.html%3famp

They can't ltb if there's nowhere to go. I'm a broken record, I know. I've been posting about this recently. Even when there is somewhere to go, it's often very grim, a choice between the devil and the deep blue sea.

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/society/2018/oct/14/thousands-fleeing-domestic-violence-squalid-housing-england

No, he is not a “great dad” if he does not treat the mother of his children well.

I think this goes for grandparents too - 'My MIL tried to run me over and took out a hitman contract on me'. Replies: 'But if she's a lovely granny, you should try keep it up for the sake of the kids'.

I'm quite glad I'm not much of a 'people' person. I actually have lots of friends, I'm just spectacularly picky, because I'd rather be alone than with the wrong person - friend or partner.