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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To make teenager go on holiday/camping?

51 replies

Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 07:46

I have spent all year getting my Campervan fixed and back on the road ready to go camping over the summer holidays, spent loads on extra camping gear that dd has asked for (new awning with extra bedroom as she won’t share the van, comfy air bed as she wants to be more comfortable, cooking equipment etc...etc..), have spent ages researching different sites to make sure they have WiFi and electric hook up because she can’t live without it. Booked one site and waiting to hear back from another, was feeling excited so told dd about how lovely these camping sites are and that they have WiFi etc..., she looks up and declares that she hates camping and doesn’t want to go Angry

I am a single parent, so it’s just me, her (15) and her sister (13), her sister is severely autistic and although i could camp with just her sister it won’t be much fun as she’s almost no verbal and likes to wander off, she would also be lost without her sister as they get on really well.

Am IBU to make dd1 go? I just feel angry that dd1 didn’t say anything earlier, she’s been with me whist I have bought all the extra equipment to make her camping experience more comfortable, she knows how much I have spent and how hard I have worked to pay for it all.

I have offered for her to take a friend but she says she hasn’t got many friends and her best friend is busy. I can’t really leave her home alone as she has Aspergers and dyspraxia, she can’t cook and needs prompting to remember to wash/brush her teeth. I could leave her with her dad but he’s not really responsible enough (left her with him before and he didn’t remind her to wash, didn’t help her brush her hair, and she was a mess when I got home).

Is she just being your typical grumpy teenager, do I just insist that she comes and hope she enjoys it once we get there?

She has ruined many a holiday over the years by refusing to do any activities and sulking. I bought the Campervan in hope it would make things easier as she would have a mini home from home and we could stay at quieter places for a couple days at a time. Both trips I have booked are only for 2 or 3 nights.

OP posts:
Chocolatecake12 · 19/07/2019 07:49

She’s only 15. It’s not all about her. You’ve made a lot of effort over the year to please her with new equipment and booking suitable sites. No I do not think you would be unreasonable to make her go.
But if she’s going to be a stroppy mare are you going to enjoy it?
Parenting teenagers is difficult.

Treaclesweet · 19/07/2019 07:51

I would make her go. Even if she pouts in the camper surely you can just leave her there for the day while you do activities with her sister? Plus she might have fun once she's there.

DisplayPurposesOnly · 19/07/2019 07:55

YANBU.

They are only short trips as you say and you've been very accommodating to her preferences.

Hopefully she'll like the first one so the second one will be easier.

Sewrainbow · 19/07/2019 07:56

Make her go. It's only a couple of nights. She needs to learn that this holiday isn't just about her it for her sister but also for you. She is old enough now to know that you've put in a lot of effort for everyone and that you deserve to get away from normal life for a holiday too. She should make an effort for your sake to and any sulking and bad behaviour will result in the loss of things she likes ie Wi-Fi or whatever she likes doing at home

Julykthat · 19/07/2019 07:59

I'd say she's chancing her arm saying she won't go. She expects to be made go but it's worth a try to get out of it!

It's a family holiday, she's 15 so she goes, end of!

Enjoy your trip

Yellowweatherwarning · 19/07/2019 08:00

Lay it straight. You do bloody loads for her, she is old enough to realise it's a 2 way street - especially when it's just the 3 of you....
She needs to make the effort here imo...
Or you have leverage via tech ime....

waterrat · 19/07/2019 08:01

I would push the idea of bringing a friend a bit more - could you help her find someone. I once brought someone who wasn't a great friend on holiday because my friends were all away and we had a brilliant time.

Bring her - it's not for long and we all need to learn life isn't just about us.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 08:05

Thank you, I was expecting people to say “don’t make her go” I was worried that I was being to hard on her because she’s kind of ruined my whole plans for the summer.

I don’t mind leaving her in the Campervan whilst I do things with her sister, I have tried to book sites that have things to do within walking distance, places we can walk the dog and places to eat near by, one is near a beach (she hates the beach) so she can stay in the van whilst I go down to the beach with her sister and ddog. She will have WiFi and electric so she can do everything she does at home (lie down and play her Nintendo switch).

I’m finding it hard not to lose it with her thins morning after she dropped the bomb shell of not wanting to go. I feel like I have tried so hard to please her and for nothing in return.

OP posts:
Beechview · 19/07/2019 08:06

Make her go but present it differently.
Say that you’re all going so let’s see how you can all make the best of it. Perhaps draw up a pros and cons list with her. Is it better than school? Fresh air and change of scenery are good for our mental health, as long as no one around you is causing more stress.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 08:07

waterrat we do have a relative who we could take, she’s a year younger than dd and they get on pretty well. Most of dd’s friends are boys and I think they would find it a bit scary cooped up in a tent with 3 females.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 08:13

Holidays with teens ! Actually no holiday at all. Smile

I just got a FB photo notification of the last family holiday we went on a few years ago. It was spoiled by my two being selfish shits. I feel your pain.

HellYeah90s · 19/07/2019 08:15

Make her go, you sound like you have made a lot of effort to accomodate her needs / demands so I wouldn't. Most teens probably don't think camping is a great holiday, however you have provided wifi and only away a few days that's a good compromise. Plus she is only 15.

I remember when I was about 15 I kicked up a huge fuss about not wanting to go on holiday with my mum to stay with her good friend and her daughter. I had the full on teenage meltdown.

She got me on that plane and I actually enjoyed my holiday!

HellYeah90s · 19/07/2019 08:15

*so I wouldn't leave her at home

Didiusfalco · 19/07/2019 08:19

I wouldn’t try and deal with it at all now. It’s the end of term - they’re all bloody knackered. Give it a bit of holiday time, she’s a bit bored, suddenly going in the camper van will seem like a great idea (or at least better than sitting around!)

stucknoue · 19/07/2019 08:24

At 15 she gets no choice, too young to be left alone end of

billy1966 · 19/07/2019 08:25

Definitely YANBU.

Lots of teens are like that re holidays but they just have to get on with it.

The thing is not to give everything they say oxygen.
Some gripes I can deal with and try and find middle ground.

"I want to be left at home while ye go on holidays abroad"

Not happening, not entertaining it.

Being part of a family means having to suck it up sometimes and realise it's not all about them.

That's what I tell mine anyway!

BogstandardBelle · 19/07/2019 08:27

I remember the last camping holiday that I did with my parents: 30 years later they still talk about how utterly horrible I was, and made it a misery for everyone. I was 15-16 at the time.

Personally, I’d probably make her go and weather the storms. At the same time, I would not have bent over backwards to entice her to come in the first place. It’s one thing to make sure she’ll be comfy etc, but you are doing the equivalent of preparing an elaborate and expensive meal for a toddler - then getting pissed off when they chuck it on the floor ;-) Your job is to provide the holiday / food, it’s up to her whether she wants to enjoy / eat it or not - and you can’t force her to enjoy something unf, even if you can force her to come.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 08:29

She would happily spend the 6 weeks in her room, in bed with no contact with people. It makes life so miserable for me and dd2’s but she doesn’t care.

Last year we went away and I gave her the choice not to go, she was going to stay with her dad but then decided she would like to come, we were staying in a lodge on a lovely site in Cornwall, she was pretty miserable the whole time but I was able to do things on site with dd2’s and leave dd1 to sulk. She refused to eat most of the week even though I offered McDonald’s and fish and chips (her favourite), I bought her food and she just sat and looked at it and said her tummy hurt and she wasn’t hungry Angry. I thought camping would be easier as we could take the food she likes, take the things she likes and only stay a couple days at a time.

OP posts:
SeaSidePebbles · 19/07/2019 08:30

I don’t have an answer, OP, but I empathise.
Mine loves the sun and the sea and I have inadvertently trained her to lie on the beach, she absolutely loves it. So once a year we choose a destination and we spend a week at the beach, talking and going not much.
The thing is: of she refused, I would ship her to her dad’s and I would go on my own. It’s insane to beg someone to go on holiday.

She is refusing to go with her Dad on holiday this year.

You’re in a difficult position though, having two DDs to consider.

How about you take her for a drive and have a frank discussion? It’s more than the expenses of acommodating her. It’s experiencing things together, it’s the fact that you need a break too.

And if she refuses...well, the phone/internet/pocket money can always be taken away till she learns to behave.

AnyFucker · 19/07/2019 08:32

Stop pandering to her now. It's not helping.

She does as she is told.

Gatehouse77 · 19/07/2019 08:40

At 15 you don’t get a choice here. Especially as she’s been aware of it and has asked for specific things.

It’s unrealistic to expect a life full of only things you want to do.

Original poster
Lovemusic33 · 19/07/2019 08:41

I haven’t argued with her. She told me this morning she didn’t want to camp and she hates camping, I didn’t really respond as she was about to go to school and I know if I said anything she would just turn in the waterworks (which is why I came here to rant instead).

She finishes school on Tuesday so I will talk to her then, she needs to realise that life isn’t just about her and that she needs to consider what dd2’s and I want to do. I am happy to compromise, the whole point of getting the van was so she could hang out in it whilst I go in the beach with her sister, her sister loves to surf and so do I but dd1 has always made it hard for us to go, now she can sit in the van and do what she wants whilst we do what we want but now she’s saying that’s not good enough, she wants to be at home in her room Angry

I am trying so hard not to get angry with her but it’s so hard as she’s so self centred and doesn’t seem to care if I’m upset or if her sister goes without doing the things she loves.

OP posts:
averythinline · 19/07/2019 08:50

I would make her go, and I think youve done teh right thing in getting stuff to make it comfortable..... but I think you need to lower your expectations of her. and get less emotional about it....... you are looking for an emotional response to her being on holiday....
she doesnt particularly want to be on holiday...
you are upset at her reaction
she even more doesnt want to be on holiday...
You can only change your response..... hopefully it will be slightly easier as she can eat stuff she wants....

. but go you can sit in the sun (hopeful) have nice nice walks on the beach with your dog and enjoy being with your camper - all together even if not all doing stuff together ....try and get a selfie of you all ... you may only have a couple of years as think by the time shes 17 it'll be harder to make her
DS has dyspraxia/ADD so maybe a while til he's left as well- i do get it...

averythinline · 19/07/2019 08:52

she is a teenager - she will be self centered (ego maniac I think was the phrase I used yesterday) and her aspergers will make it harder to see from her point of view...shes proablby knackered - would just leave it now....

Bumply · 19/07/2019 08:53

Ds1 was that age when he stopped coming on holidays with DS2 and me.
But it wasn't a last minute decision. It followed a couple of years of him enjoying holidays less and less, and his dad was perfectly capable (and willing) to have him stay.

In your case I'd say yanbu to make dd go. Particularly when she's seen you go to extra efforts/costs on her behalf. But maybe give her different options next year which get planned in advance.

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