To make teenager go on holiday/camping?

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I have spent all year getting my Campervan fixed and back on the road ready to go camping over the summer holidays, spent loads on extra camping gear that dd has asked for (new awning with extra bedroom as she won’t share the van, comfy air bed as she wants to be more comfortable, cooking equipment etc...etc..), have spent ages researching different sites to make sure they have WiFi and electric hook up because she can’t live without it. Booked one site and waiting to hear back from another, was feeling excited so told dd about how lovely these camping sites are and that they have WiFi etc..., she looks up and declares that she hates camping and doesn’t want to go

I am a single parent, so it’s just me, her (15) and her sister (13), her sister is severely autistic and although i could camp with just her sister it won’t be much fun as she’s almost no verbal and likes to wander off, she would also be lost without her sister as they get on really well.

Am IBU to make dd1 go? I just feel angry that dd1 didn’t say anything earlier, she’s been with me whist I have bought all the extra equipment to make her camping experience more comfortable, she knows how much I have spent and how hard I have worked to pay for it all.

I have offered for her to take a friend but she says she hasn’t got many friends and her best friend is busy. I can’t really leave her home alone as she has Aspergers and dyspraxia, she can’t cook and needs prompting to remember to wash/brush her teeth. I could leave her with her dad but he’s not really responsible enough (left her with him before and he didn’t remind her to wash, didn’t help her brush her hair, and she was a mess when I got home).

Is she just being your typical grumpy teenager, do I just insist that she comes and hope she enjoys it once we get there?

She has ruined many a holiday over the years by refusing to do any activities and sulking. I bought the Campervan in hope it would make things easier as she would have a mini home from home and we could stay at quieter places for a couple days at a time. Both trips I have booked are only for 2 or 3 nights.

Don't get angry (deep breaths! ) or wheedle. Try to stick to breezy and matter of fact - we're all going, me and your sister will play on the beach and surf, you can stay in the van and do your thing.

(We had a camper van too. I was v happy to be left in it when my family did stuff that didn't interest me!)

She is knackered, she’s been doing work experience which has emotionally drained her on top of the end of year exams and a few other things. This is why I haven’t really said much to her about it even though I could easily get annoyed with her. I have remained calm and not indicated that I expect anything from her. My expectations are not high as I know she will sulk when we are away, I know I can leave her to sulk whilst I do things with dd2. It’s just she has a way of making me feel guilty, like I’m forcing her into doing something she can’t cope with, like I’m ruining her whole life by making her go away for 2/3 nights.

I am trying so hard not to get angry with her but it’s so hard as she’s so self centred and doesn’t seem to care if I’m upset or if her sister goes without doing the things she loves

Well yeah, she’s 15. Teenagers aren’t know for their empathy.

She’s going with you, she’ll probably enjoy it when you get there. Don’t engage with the drama.

“It’s too little notice DD, you’re coming on the holiday. If you really hate it we can discuss plans for next year and put a step plan in place for getting you more independent so you can stay home alone. Moaning and sulks aren’t going to be tolerated, I won’t force you to do activities but I expect you to be polite”

I’d leave off any of the ‘what about meeeeee’ stuff because that’s really not her problem.

It does kinda reads like you only want her to come because it makes dealing with your other daughter easier... so I’d leave out the ‘what about meeeeee’ stuff.

aahhh mothers guilt - you'll feel guilty/shit if she's left as well so you might as well go to the beach to feel guilty at least you'll have a view

I think you should repost this in the special needs section.

Most posters seem to be skimming over the bit where you say she has aspergers. Her behaviour is what I’d expect from an aspie teen in this situation. She needs to keep her routine. Ime holidays and aspies don’t work!

Just let her go to her dads. Does it really matter if her hair is unbrushed for 2 days?

I sympathise a bit with her as I loathe camping and beaches too and for years I was dragged to places my mum and brother liked. But I just had to put up with it till I was old enough not to go.

I do think you will have to adjust your expectations a little. Those I know with teens say their years of happy holidays are over, the teens either don't want to go or want to do their own thing the whole.time away from the family. She has to go, but she may sulk the whole time. You also have to accept in the next few years she probably won't come on holiday with you anymore, I only mention that as you said her sister is mainly non verbal so you want your DD to go.

Enjoy your holiday!

Verily1 you are right, it is hard to unpick what’s typical teen behaviour and what’s her Aspergers. Trouble is she is happy to go away with school, she’s the first to put herself forward for trips etc even though she hasn’t really got friends to go with (so she says). He reason for not going camping is “she doesn’t like to be away from home” yet she’s happy to go and stay at her dads gf’s house even though she has never stayed there 🤔. Her dad doesn’t have much to do with them, he takes them to McDonald’s once a week and that’s it.
She suddenly seems to have fears and anxiety when ever I plan to do anything and refuses to take part in anything that involves leaving the house. 2 weeks ago she travelled to oxford uni on the train with a few other students and a teacher and had a great time, yet if I was to suggest going somewhere on the train she would refuse and suddenly become ill.

So although I understand how Aspergers may be part of the issue it still frustrates me and effects everything we do (or can’t do). I have to consider dd2’s who is also autistic and wants to do more things, wants to go on holiday and loves being out.

You just get the worst of her because that's how it works with all kids, but autistic ones in particular. She will choose to mask with her dad and on school trips so it's even more frustrating and wont with you. I would make her go. I might give her a difficult choice, like she can stay home/go to her dads but she isn't to take her switch/phone. Or she can take them with you camping.

Also for each destination let her choose a campsite. For eg, say I like this one because it has nice views and a great beach, or we can go to this one which has WiFi. Let her see how much you are compromising for her. Giving her some faux control might help.

My daughter is autistic and she kicks off about going places often, but the difference is she always enjoys herself when we make her go. I don't let her have devices on holiday or days out though. If I did she wouldn't join in and make the most of it. She is allowed to read though. What about taking her shopping for some new books?

Op I have no advice but just wanted to say you are amazing to even keep the balls in the air with so much on your plate, never mind trying to organise lovely experiences with your girls. I really hope your dd comes around

15yo's suck

Thank you Teddy ,I guess I want them to experience things because the less dd1 experiences the more of a recluse she becomes, if I allow her to stay in her room then she will stay in there more and more, of I don’t make her leave the house she would chose never to go anywhere

I do try and get her to chose places to stay and I point out all the good points such as the WiFi. This morning I told her I had found a good site, near a castle (which she likes), told her there was a shop and cafe on site so she could chose things to eat/cook, go to the shop alone to buy things, nice woodland nearby with lots of wildlife (she likes birds and taking photos of them), I spent ages finding a site that I thought might be suitable for all of us so I felt a bit fed up when she looks up and say “I don’t want to go camping, I hate camping and hate being away from home”, she then accused me of making her camp all summer (it’s only a few days).

I know camping isn’t for everyone but I would have loved to have gone as a kid, I only got to camp in our garden as my parents were too busy to take us anywhere.

I have offered to take her friend (2nd cousin) and I know she would love to go, she often tells dd how lucky she is that I take her places as she never goes anywhere. But dd is saying she doesn’t want to take anyone as it won’t make any difference. Dd2’s is super excited about going, she has asked to go to a festival but dd1 refuses to go. The trouble is if dd1 refuses to go then dd2’s is likely to copy her.

My eldest's Aspergers properly kicked in at 15. overlay this with general moodiness and natural growing away from parents and it is a minefield.

I'd say make her go the first time, and then go the same place a couple more times over the summer so the thought of 'somewhere new' is less of an ordeal. At least then you can limit the aspie anxiety a bit and know that she's just being a teenager rather than having a real issue.

A festival (if you pick the right one) isn't a bad idea, but there will definitely be no WIFI!

Forgot to mention OP, you sound like an awesome Mum.
Hats off to you👍

Thank you Billy1966 I try so hard to please everyone but sometimes I feel like I’m doing it all wrong with dd1, she’s so much like her dad and I blame him for the way she is, I wish I had left him sooner then maybe she wouldn’t have carried on his traits, he made holidays hell when they were small, would fake illness and we often had to come home early, now dd does the same.

I would make her go, no hesitation

Yr update puts a different slant on it. Did you find yourself bending over backwards to try and keep yr ex happy? Are you doing the same here with yr dd ? It’s so easy to fall into similar patterns of behaviour, and the same end result.

Have you ever had any family counselling or therapy? Or even just for yourself - with the aim of getting better at setting and maintaining clear expectations and boundaries, rather than trying to keep everyone happy?

Bog I guess I did to begin with but after a while I stood up to him and then we started going away with out him but I guess she thinks if she moans enough I will let her stay at home too. He left when she was 11, I asked him to leave as I felt trapped due to his behaviour and lack of wanting to do anything remotely exciting. Dd is just like him , I wish I had left him sooner. Dd2’s was only 9 when he left as she’s much more like me, very outgoing and loves staying away from home.

What would she do if you went away without her? At 15 she is a bit too young to be left alone in your house.

If she was left alone she would probably stay in bed all day and eat crisps and toast (that’s about all she can manage). So leaving her at home isn’t really an option. Even if she was a teenager without Aspergers I don’t think I would leave her alone.

I would invite the cousin, if she's likely to enjoy going chances are a bit of enthusiasm will rub off on your DDs. How long before you're due to go away? If there's some time between finishing school and going away your DD may have some time to decompress from the end of school year and be more amenable to going. I would say 15 is grumpy teen territory anyway, so you're not doing anything wrong.

She is 15, that is old enough to stay alone for 2 or 3 nights max, surely? If she is taking exams, even doing work experience, she is certainly old enough. I think parents these days would have a heart attack at the 'latch key era' I grew up in. Teens these days would be lucky if they were allowed to cross the street by themselves, or even boil an egg (let alone walk to and from school by them self and start getting the family dinner ready after school and before the mum got home at age 12).

I wouldn't be making her go. It is her holiday too. I know she knew you were doing the planning, but did you actually ask her what she wanted
to do for her holidays, before you started planning a year ahead and spending money? Maybe she wanted to tell you but couldn't find a way, didn't know how you would take it, because she knew how much you had spent etc and kept putting it off, and putting it off, etc. And now it's upon her, she can no longer avoid the topic. As it's her school holidays, it should be her choice where to go. Or to not go and just spend time at home. No point making her holidays miserable. Because in turn you will be made miserable, her sister will be miserable.

"she would probably stay in bed all day and eat crisps and toast"

So? It's only for a couple of days, so what if she does? Is it going to destroy her if she spend 48 hours doing that? So what? Let her! Let her make her choices. 2 days of chips and toast isn't going to be the end of the world!

Sara she has autism and is pretty immature for a 15 year old, also she would sleep through a fire alarm as she’s such a heavy sleeper. There’s no way she would be ok left alone for 3 nights.

💐 for you. You’re an awesome mum.

She’ll be okay in the end, and if she isn’t well that’s her choice. You’re the parent, and you’re doing this for her sake as well as for her sister’s sake.

Maybe check if the female family member (one year younger, I think you said?) wants to go. I think that’s a great idea.

Does your daughter have any special interests or things she might like to do (games, hands work of some kind, specific subjects or things she likes to learn about? If you can stretch to it maybe some slightly different or new versions of these, or books to read about them?