Am I being unreasonable to feel this way?

[Sodoei07]

I want to do graduate entry medicine but I feel saddened because my first experience at university was so awful. I was depressed, suicidal and anxious throughout. I struggled a lot socially and I didn’t have any friends apart from talking to a few people that were on my course.

I feel sad that I didn’t have my university experience and I’ll be too old now as most people will be married, engaged or have children by the time I am in university this time round. I’m finding it upsetting. I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life on feeling depressed and anxious and dealing with a long term illness on top of that. I’m saddened that I don’t have good memories of my time at university in undergraduate.

The thought of applying for graduate entry medicine also makes me feel left behind. Like I should be further along in my career at this age and carrying on with my life. I’ll be in my thirties by the time I complete medicine and I’ll be so behind compared to most people in their 30s.

I won’t be married, engaged or have children and I’ll be at the beginning of a career that other doctors started years ago. Plus other people the same age will have finished university years ago by that point. However I want to become a doctor so I have no choice but to go this route.

If I do medicine it will feel as if the first five years of my adult life were an utter waste and on some ways they were as I wish I had had more positive experiences.

You need to look forward and do what makes you happy. If that’s doing medicine - do it.
If you keep telling yourself that you’re too old or will be too old you’ll stay stuck.
People study at all ages, they fall in love at all ages, they make friends at all ages.
Maybe you had a difficult time last time at uni but don’t let it define your future.

I won’t be married, engaged or have children
So what? You don't want any of these things just for the sake of it do you? What you will be, however, is a capable, educated woman and in time, you will be a capable, educated, professional woman with money who mixes with a lot of confident, educated, professional men (or women, I hate to assume) with money. You catch my drift?

I feel like I’ve wasted the best years of my life
Oh no. Just no. The best years of your life are yet to come! Youth does not automatically equal happiness and you've found this out the hard way.

other people the same age will have finished university years ago
And many others your age will have just finished their Access courses. There is no age limit on learning.

You MUST stop comparing your life to other people's. We are all different and you'll find that once you're a qualified doctor, other people may well compare their life to yours and think 'I wish I'd followed my dream'. So bloody well start on that application. Now!

I'm back at school at 37. When I feel that way I think two things:

I could choose to be 40 with a degree, or 40 without a degree. Either way 40 is going to come.

I still have about 3 decades of work ahead of me. I'm going to make damm sure that I'm going to be doing something I love.

Don't feel bad, OP. Think of the edge your life experience will give you in your studies and subsequent career. You're going to do great.

Thanks @Reflexella, @GibbonLover, @AzraiL

I've got an interview on Monday for nursing and I'm 45. It can be done!

University is a very varied experience depending on who you are!

Some find it an amazing experience where they excel and have the besr social experience of theie lives.

Others have committed suicide!

Most people fall somewhere in between, periods of depression and/or study difficulties, social issues, maybe anxiety, or even severe illness.

This life isnt only done in one way. There are dc who didnt makenit through school and still trying to get back into education.

Thankfully, our system is a lot more flexible to accommodate such difficulties.

You are lucky enough to be blessed with sufficient brain power to study at such a level!

Its a small proportion of the population that have this level of opportunity, and whilst youve had it tough, realising how much you have going for you is part of being well, and i wonder how over this you are at this point.

It might be worth you having a quick check in with your support/GP or whoever you liaise with, to make sure you give yourself your best go at this.

You have it all to come! Good luck

My mum went to uni to do a return to nursing course after giving up her career to raise me and my sister. She was in her mid 40s and absolutely loved it. Not only did she love it but she also scored higher than me and my sis on her dissertation. She is now quite high up in nursing and never regretted the decision.

Do it @Sodoei07 you’re never too old x

Maybe you need to do what makes you happy. Medicine would be a challenging career and require some resilience. But if you feel you are up for that all the best with it.

I just want to echo exactly what Gibbonlover said!

I think you need to look on the positive side and see that you’re still young enough to do medicine and have a long career. You’ve gained a lot of experience from what you’ve gone through and hopefully a better understanding of life and yourself. I know medicine is intensive but I don’t see why it stops you meeting someone, getting engaged and getting married during that time as lots of people do.
I also don’t think there’s a norm of where people are in life at certain ages any more; I know lots of people who haven’t started their careers until late twenties/thirties, and who have retrained later in life.
I know it’s not quite the same but i spent years in an abusive relationship including when I was at uni. I’ve felt quite sad at feeling like those years were wasted but I can’t change that and I know I learnt a lot from that experience and it’s helped make good choices since then

Our schooling is different ( Canadian) but I did some college courses after I graduated high school and did miserable. I hated it! I them did some more and did ok. 10 years or so later I took some university level courses via my work. I loved it! I never did better at schooling as an adult student. It was such a different world. You look at it differently and approach things differently than you do straight out of child schooling. It’s amazing.

You have years of struggling under your belt. This will help you persevere through school. You have a fantastic goal, to be a doctor. Now reach for that goal and go for it! You are not to old at all.

What’s better OP - starting life as a doctor in your thirties and feeling like you wasted the first five years of your life, or never doing medicine and feeling when you’re 80 that you wasted your whole life?

That said, those 5 years were NOT a waste, because you were spending them healing and surviving and learning tools that will be valuable for your whole life. You haven’t wasted time. You are still someone who deserves and can have the life they want.

Finally, I went back to university to do a law degree when I was 25 and it was without a doubt the best thing I ever did. I entered the work force aged 30. Doesn’t feel at all weird, and I never looked back.

Medicine is a very hard course, are you sure it's right for you. People who have had no mental health issues still can struggle. We work until 65+ these days, there's no age issues but you need to work out if it's right for you

There's an author called Joanna Cannon who went back to university later to train as a doctor. Google some of her intervews and reading about her experiences might make you feel less daunted.

FWIW, I think it's a brilliant you're doing and really admire you.

YANBU for feeling this this way. I hated Uni with a passion so I can fully understand not wanting to go back. You are a lot braver than me! You must be stronger than you know. You'll probably find there are a lot of other mature students on your course and they might be feeling the same way as you. It's not unheard of to start a new career in your 30s, 40s or even 50s. I'm in my 30s and in the middle of a career change. It's scary but I would regret not doing it. As PPs have said you can't compare yourself to others and what others have done. You would be kicking yourself and regretting not going for it in 5 years time.
If it's really what your dream is the go for it! We spend a long time working so you might as well do something you're passionate about.
Good luck and I hope you take this step. Make sure you find the right people to talk to and support whilst you are there.

You still sound depressed to be honest - are you getting any kind of help with it? Your take on your past/present/future is very negative and if that's how you're framing it to yourself, it's no good us saying be positive etc. You've got to come out of that hole to see these things - that your uni experience was as valid as anyone else's, that you're nowhere near too old to train, that you can't possibly predict how your relationships will work out, that there are a whole realm of options between being a doctor and being a failure with a wasted life. Can you talk to people IRL and get some help?

My mental health struggles weren’t really caused by lack of resilience or lack of mental strength. They were caused by me experiencing bullying in sixth form.

I was friends with a group of girls throughout school but when we started our A-levels I started taking different subjects to them. During sixth form, they all decided that they didn’t like me anymore and didn’t want me in their friendship group anymore. I stopped being invited to things and they all would ignore me if I came to sit next to them or tried to talk.

This confused me as I didn’t do anything to any of them, I just walked in school one day and none of them were speaking to me and wouldn’t even look in my direction or acknowledge that I was sat next to them and trying to join in the conversation. This obviously affected me more than I should have been affected but I was 16 and these are the friends I had since primary school.

They would alternate for the next two years between ignoring me, shouting things at me when I walked past or generally just saying mean things about me whether I was present or behind my back. They also got a group of other girls who also didn’t like me for some reason to join in these antics so going to school with all that going on plus studying, trying to get good grades was not fun.

Maybe I was affected far more than I should have been. Then on top of that I was also dealing with an illness that had worsened during that time so it was all a bit much.

Then in university I was also dealing with family stuff that was causing me grief.

These are not 'the rules' you can do whatever you want to do.

*Like I should be further along in my career at this age and carrying on with my life. I’ll be in my thirties by the time I complete medicine and I’ll be so behind compared to most people in their 30s.

I won’t be married, engaged or have children and I’ll be at the beginning of a career that other doctors started years ago. Plus other people the same age will have finished university years ago by that point.*

You are born the then you die but in between you can do ANYTHING you want, its society that creates rules for us - but you don't have to follow.

It's sounds like these girls were jealous of you!

I had a similar experience at school. I was 15 and 2 of my supposed best friends just decided they had fallen out with me and weren't talking to me. I had no idea what I had done wrong. When I asked, the only answer they gave was "you know what you've done!" Then start to snigger. I was lucky that I had other friends that I was able to spend time with that aren't in that friendship group. I didn't speak to them again after that even when one tapped me on the shoulder and said they would talk to me again now. I just said "oh that's nice" and left it at that. I've never spoken to them since. I didn't want vile people like that in my life.

Don't let these nasty girls try to poison you and your dreams. You're very brave and like someone else has already said I really do admire you.

I am another who qualified as a solicitor as a mature student, met my husband after I qualified actually and then had our aon. You never know what patg life may take but taking the first steps on the path to dojbg your medical degree is a pretty good way to start the rest of your life.

Such a shame you had to find out what awful friends they were during this time. What horrible bullying.

I think havibg only the same friends all through from primary can leave you open to this childish bullying, and as lifelong friends its no surprise this has hit you so hard.

Tou canndo this but i do think you need some building up in your emotional and psychological resilience after your run of bad luck, so you feel good and strong to meet the demands of med study.

Good luck for your bright future!

Thanks @OhBcereus, I wish I had never come in contact with any of these girls after leaving school.
I think part of what makes it difficult is the fact that my mother is friendly with their mothers and so she always decides to tell me things about them and keep me updated on their lives.
Also, my sister still has them on social media so I’m frequently told about their lives. It makes me feel like I can’t move past everything that happened as they are still in my present life through my mum and sister.

It makes me feel worse that I feel like they are further along with their lives than I am

Thank you @OKBobble, @itbemay

I took extra years before med school, during med school and after med school - there’s such a hotchpotch of ages because once you get past foundation you’ll find doctors who have been abroad, changed speciality etc. There were also a lot of older students to start with. I still feel behind and yet not.. I’ve realised you have to keep to your own trajectory. There will always be a shining example of a medic nearby that you can only aspire to be (has done loads extra curricularly, written a book etc etc).

Also issues that crop up at school and in life (as you have had with your friends and letter your family) will crop up during med school and when you’re a doctor, only you’ll be knackered and depleted a bit by the job so as long as you have a plan on how you’ll cope.. you can feel seriously depressed after a busy few nights where you’ve done 13/14non stop hours. It can resolve after sleep but it can be a weird place to be mentally.

My husband is in his early thirties and has just completed his first year of a five year health care type course. We are married and have two young children. Studying and having a family aren't mutually exclusive

Thanks for a different perspective @Moraxella and @HalyardHitch