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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To move away from DC's dad?

50 replies

Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 20:59

We broke up around a year and a half ago and have 3 children ages 10, 7 and 5. I moved to live in the same city as my ex, a year later found out I was pregnant with my first, I had been wanting to move closer to home anyway and this made me want to even more but he convinced me to stay. I eventually settled to an extent, I've exactly loved living here and still go home to see my family and friends as much as I can but I have made friends here, it just isn't the same, I still consider my hometown as home. I feel like now we have broken up I finally have the choice to move back, I've been thinking about it since we separated. It's around a 2 and a half hour drive away. He sees them nearly every other weekend but not always and has missed quite a few times. He's not happy that I'm thinking about it, says it isn't fair on the kids or him but then he always said that if I ever suggested moving when we were together. I'm really not sure, I don't want to take them away from their dad but I've wanted this for years and I feel like I finally have the chance

OP posts:
MyOpinionIsValid · 18/07/2019 21:16

It isn't just about you though, what about the children? They'll have to uproot from their home, school, friends etc

Croprotationinthe14thcentury · 18/07/2019 21:21

I understand why you feel the way you do but I think it's incredibly unfair on the kids tbh. They have their father, friends, school where you are so it's unfair to uproot them

Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 21:26

Of course it's not just about me, my DC are my first thought during this. There's quite a few reasons I want to move, a nicer area for them to live in, better schools but they've obviously always lived here and have lots of friends here so it would be difficult for them but I think whilst they're still quite young would be a better and easier time to move them

OP posts:
ghostyslovesheets · 18/07/2019 21:34

would you be happy if he moved the kids 2.5 hours away from you?

I was in your place - 2+ hours drive from my home town and family - 3 kids including a 6mth old baby - but they have a right to be near their parents - both of you - sorry

Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 21:48

Would it be better if I say met him half way when it's his time with them, I would certainly make sure it didn't chance the amount he sees them

OP posts:
sweeneytoddsrazor · 18/07/2019 22:06

Would.it be better if you met him half way? Were you thinking he should drive 2 1/2 hours to get them then the same home on a Friday night and a Sunday

Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 22:10

No I mean he wouldn't have to do all or most of the travelling

OP posts:
ThighsRelief · 18/07/2019 22:12

It depends how involved he is - EOW is not very much, it's only 2 nights in 14. However, the oldest especially would miss friends and school.

SlightlyMisplacedSingleDad · 18/07/2019 22:13

You would be seriously damaging the children's relationship with their father.

If this move is so important to you, perhaps suggest that your ex takes primary residence, amd you see the kids every other weekend. That avoids uprooting your kids from their settled lives, and means you aren't imposing a breakdown in the relationship that the kids have with their father. If that isn't palatable to you, then neither should moving the kids so far from their other parent.

dootball · 18/07/2019 22:13

Yeah but the children will.

ThighsRelief · 18/07/2019 22:14

You know him, how likely is he to remain really involved in their lives? If he will then you should stay put, if he's going to bother less and less then you can rethink. See what he does re the dc over the summer. If he sticks to EOW then that isn't great.

C0untDucku1a · 18/07/2019 22:17

How often has he had the children in the last four months?

IncrediblySadToo · 18/07/2019 22:17

If the kids will have family there and good schools then in your situation I’d probably do it. He can come up for weekends rather than the kids travelling & they could go to him for half the holidays

He’s partly brought this on himself by not listening to you when you were together and wanting to ‘go home’.

Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 22:19

He doesn't see them very much, it often isn't a full weekend either but rather either from Friday night till Saturday evening or Saturday night till Sunday evening and then sometimes a full weekend. I think he's already damaging his relationship with them himself if I'm being honest

OP posts:
Treaclesweet · 18/07/2019 22:22

He sounds barely involved as it is. I think in this situation you are the primary parent, so if you feel it is better for you and the kids then you should do it. One night every two weeks does not get you a vote IMO.

YouLikeTheBadOnesToo · 18/07/2019 22:22

Would it be better if I say met him half way when it's his time with them
My understanding is that the parent who moves away is responsible for ensuring access, so you could find you are required to do more than half the travelling. But what about the impact/strain regularly travelling 5 hours on a weekend would have on your children?

It’s also worth considering how you will feel in a few years if your children ask to live with their dad. Would you be happy to be 2 1/2 hours away from them? Courts take a child’s wishes in to account from around 12 I believe. I met one of my oldest friends at 14, when she moved 3 hours to live with her dad. Her mum moved her down south when she was 10, she really struggled to forgive her mum for moving her so far away from her dad.

KnifeAngel · 18/07/2019 22:23

If you choose to move away then you should do all the travelling.

GreenTulips · 18/07/2019 22:23

I think you should put yourself first

You’d have family and friends around and he could move closer to his children is he really wanted to keep a decent relationship.

There’s nothing stopping you.

I would in a heart beat

FizzBuzzBangWoof · 18/07/2019 22:25

YABU

You admit yourself that you are quite settled and have friends where you live

It would be very selfish to move

LittleFairywren · 18/07/2019 22:26

How's it in your children's best interests to need to do a 5 hour round trip to spend time with their father?

KatieKirk · 18/07/2019 22:29

I’d say as long as you are prepared to drive 10 hours a weekend to get them there and back from their dads then go for it. If you aren’t then stay put.

MissingTheMissletoe · 18/07/2019 22:32

But the kids would @Fizzlex

Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 22:39

They would and that isn't ideal, we do the journey there quite a lot anyway but not as much as every other weekend so it would be a lot of travelling for them

OP posts:
Original poster
Fizzlex · 18/07/2019 22:42

I am settled here to an extent but it has been a lot harder since we separated, I don't have many close friends here

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 18/07/2019 22:51

Do the children do clubs at the weekend, go to friends, parties? This becomes much more difficult when the parents live a long way from each other. I know there are instances when NRP lives close by and refuses to take to clubs etc so it isn't always that simple.

Where does his family live? Do they see your DC?