To move away from DC's dad?

[Fizzlex]

We broke up around a year and a half ago and have 3 children ages 10, 7 and 5. I moved to live in the same city as my ex, a year later found out I was pregnant with my first, I had been wanting to move closer to home anyway and this made me want to even more but he convinced me to stay. I eventually settled to an extent, I've exactly loved living here and still go home to see my family and friends as much as I can but I have made friends here, it just isn't the same, I still consider my hometown as home. I feel like now we have broken up I finally have the choice to move back, I've been thinking about it since we separated. It's around a 2 and a half hour drive away. He sees them nearly every other weekend but not always and has missed quite a few times. He's not happy that I'm thinking about it, says it isn't fair on the kids or him but then he always said that if I ever suggested moving when we were together. I'm really not sure, I don't want to take them away from their dad but I've wanted this for years and I feel like I finally have the chance

They mostly just stay with their dad when they go to his, he's taken them to parties a few times though, clubs are during weekdays so that's less of a problem. His parents and sister aren't too far so they tend to see them when he's got them

I was ready to say yabu, but if he's only seeing them every other weekend for a day at a time I can't see you moving making much of a difference if you are willing and able to do all/most of the dropping off picking up.
If he was doing school pick up, full weekends every weekend it would be different.
If you think you and the children would be happier and have better quality of life,allowing for the travelling needed to maintain contact with dad, I would move.
Thankfully this will never be a problem for me as I have stayed by my family and support network. My ex is from another city and is stuck here to be near our ds, to be fair to him I don't think he would ever contemplate moving. But he does have more than 1/14 contact.

It's a lot of traveling for them. And not just for a little while. Every other weekend until they're teenagers. The alternative is them not seeing their dad.

Perhaps you're looking at your home town through rose tinted glasses. Could you stay there for a few weeks over summer and see how you and the dc feel rather than short periods of time? Could you stay with family for a few weeks?

Isn't the legal position that if you move away then you have to facilitate contact? So you would have to take them to him, and collect them. Not sure about this, but I thought that's how it works.

My ex initially moved a similar distance and the children seriously struggled with the travelling. It's 5 hours in a 24 hour period!

I asked him to move closer as I could see that the kids were increasingly reluctant to travel and he moved a very reasonable 45 minutes away. It massively helped keep their enthusiasm for contact up.

Is there any chance he'd prefer a long weekend every half-term/end of term (say 3 or 4 days)? That way the frequency is unchanged and there's less travelling for the kids.

As the person who moved away I think that you should do all of the driving. I know that's 10 hours in a 24 hour period but it's not fair on your ex to drive 5 hours for contact (1.25 hours x 4)

We weren't married so all the arrangements to do with our children are just sorted between ourselves, nothing's legally in place so I'm not sure.
It's not that I see my home town as perfect, it's far from it but it's more having family and friends near by but spending a longer period of time there and be a good idea considering I haven't lived there in many years

I have a friend who is a social worker, she has stayed in the area she and her ex lived so he can easily see their children. She would love to move two hours away to her university town where she has lots of friends, good job prospects and it's a nicer area for schools and housing etc. She might move when her dc leave home/ go to uni or at least are able to transport themselves. I think unfortunately you have to stay closer for your children, not for ever but for now.

However much you want to go back, you need to be honest thst it is a selfish decision that would only suit you and even if it means a better education later (although at the moment you have no way of knowing that, a better à hool doesn't always mean that), it will be at the detriment of their relationship with their dad.

All the kids I know who've moved away more than half hour, 1 hour most, end up with a very limited relationship with their dad or not at all. That's because their dad can't be involved in their every day life, attend school events, take them to activities, meet their friends and that makes it harder to keep the bond going. Then the kids start to dread the travelling, and they have other events going on during the weekends they don't want to miss. Had both parents who after a few months dread it too as it is so exhausting, most end up relieved not to do it as much and then any longer.

Your children have the same right to be close emotionally and mentally with their dad than you and for that, they need to be close enough to do so. If you were destitute, couldn't afford to live locally, had no friends at all, then your wellbeing could justify you moving, but you've been where you are for 11/12 years, you do have some friends, your kids have never known any different. You need to make it work.

Stay where you are!

I wouldn't move and uproot the lives my children had just for my own sake tbh.

I'd ask the children how they feel about it and use that as my biggest indicator. Who cares about your ex's opinion really when he only sees them sporadically? You said it's not even every other weekend regularly and even when it is, it's only 1 night. What will happen is (from experience) that the kids won't have a close bond with him and as they get to 12/13/14 years old they won't bother seeing him at all. So then what? You've stayed "for your ex" and what for?

OP, try to look at the long term. If you move, will your family support you with childcare when your children are ill or when you have an early meeting? Is the area you want to move to likely to give you better job prospects over a lifetime? Will you be able to get your children into a decent school? Will they be able to continue with their current activities? Will it mean having a close relationship with cousins? Can you afford equal or better housing? Are you prepared for the reality of having to facilitate contact at a distance and have you considered the financial impact of that? Consider how involved your ex is currently and who did the bulk of the children’s ‘work’ when together. Is he financially supporting the children?

I moved over 5 hours away which was facilitated by the courts. I had not lived at ‘home’ for nearly 20 years. However, house prices, job prospects if I had childcare support, an ex refusing to pay maintenance, all meant that as a family we were better off making the move. I make no apologies for it and believe long term, it was the right thing to do. In the area we lived previously, I couldn’t have afforded more than a one bed flat (3 children!) and neither could have I managed the cost of childcare in the early years. At least when we moved, I had an affordable roof over our heads, the ability to work and build a career and ultimately provide for my children. You may be interested to know that my ex moved to the same town 2 years later although he has been nothing but a pain and I am still waiting for him to pay maintenance!

Ignore the naysayers. These are difficult decisions to make but assuming you are able to make them with a clear head and an eye on the bigger picture, you need to do what is right for you.

As you will be responsible for their travel to visit their father, have you factored in the cost and the time factor for you? Do you want to be spending 10 hours a weekend travelling?

Would it be in your DC’s best interests to move? Just thinking about their schooling more than anything. Don’t underestimate how big a deal a school move is for children.

If you’re going to do it do it now before the children start secondary school, you need a support network around you and the children.

I would do it whilst the children were still young especially if it meant a better area for them and better schools

It really depends on how your kids feel about a move. Since none of them is in secondary school yet I'd say the sooner you go before the eldest starts the better. Everything changes friendship wise once secondary school starts anyway.

Legally, I believe, the person who moves away must bring the child. You may have to do all the travelling to bring them to and from his time with the children. Are you prepared to do that?

It's not as simple as you making a decision unilaterally. Assuming your ex has PR, you have to agree on this, because one parent can't change a child's school without the agreement of the other parent (unless you get a court order on the matter). If you move without his consent, he could go to court to try and get the children to move back, and you run the risk of either having to move back yourself, or having to let your kids live with your ex if you're not prepared to move back. If you move without your ex's consent, you'll have demonstrated that you don't respect his PR, which won't paint you in a great light.

If your ex won't agree, but you still want to move, you'll have to go to court yourself to try and get a court order permitting the move.

One night a fortnight isn't to be sniffed at. It's regular contact which means your ex does have a relationship with his DC currently.

Legally, I believe, the person who moves away must bring the child

Nope. No legal about it. It can be made ‘legal’ through a court order but the ex would need to give a shit for that to happen. It’s not really looking like that from the OP has written.

one parent can't change a child's school without the agreement of the other parent

Technically. I certainly changed my children’s school without my ex signing the paperwork. I teach and I am unaware of schools demanding both parent’s signatures (some parents are absent, for example). I have seen people on here say that they needed the ex to agree in person with the school but that seems to be an exception.

you move without his consent, he could go to court to try and get the children to move back, and you run the risk of either having to move back yourself, or having to let your kids live with your ex if you're not prepared to move back

Again, technically. 2 hours is not a huge distance and if he were to challenge the OP in court, given the children’s ages and current arrangements (and him clear,y not being that bothered), she would likely be allowed to move. Scaremongering doesn’t help.

Your home town will have changed greatly in the time since you've been away. It doesn't seem a very good reason to subject your children to years of travelling for hours at the weekend.

How long is the trip by train or bus / coach rather than by car, and how expensive is it? Particularly as your eldest gets a little older they may start choosing their own contact times a bit more.

Every family structure is different, I couldn't imagine having DS that far from DH but then I can't imagine DH only seeing him one day every fortnight. When your ex is spending that little time with them you need to prioritise the rest of your lives and perhaps that means moving. Trying it out for a few weeks over the summer and discussing it with your kids would make sense. At least with the 10 year old; the others need to be able to discuss their thoughts and concerns but perhaps aren't old enough to input into your decision in the way that your eldest is.

Maybe the travelling would just be too much for them

Can you stay with family or rent something for the whole of the summer? I think that could give you clarity.

If I was an NRP and my dc moved, I'd move too. But I wouldn't be satisfied with EOW anyway. I don't know how people are.

Sadly I don't know any NRPs who play a genuine and constructive part in their dc lives.