Which parent is BU

[Twickerhun]

Who is unreasonable?
Both parents work long days and have long commutes and take it in turns to drop children off and pick them up from child care.

Parent A has a once a week commitment in the evenings (think coach for a local youth team). They were late leaving work tonight and got home only just before they had to leave again. They expected parent B to have dinner ready for them to eat and run but parent B has not cooked. Parent A had not actually asked parent B to get dinner ready.

Parent B was on children pick up. They had an hour between getting the kids from child care and parent A coming home. In that hour they got the kids changed, into the bath and to bed (children are 2 and 3) but the kids weren’t asleep yet and they didn’t make dinner for parent A as they sit with the kids until they are asleep.

Who is being unreasonable? Parent A for expecting dinner or parent b for not finding the time to make dinner?

Tricky, but I would say Parent B is BU.
If the first one in cooks, and Parent B was in for an hour before Parent A got home, but was low on energy, then chucking a few bits in the oven would be fine. If they are late, they have to heat it in the microwave, but then everyone is fed. Also, it's not like Parent A is going out to hang out with his mates, they are out leading a local youth team, which is a really valuable (and hard) job that benefits lots of local families. This is also, presumably, something that happens the same evening each weeek?
I think it's just a teething problem as it's a new arrangement, but how would you have felt if you were a Parent A OP?

Definitely microwave meals are needed next time - lesson learned!

As long as the lesson learned is that both of you need to stock up on microwave meals and, as adults, neither of you are responsible for feeding the other when you both have full time jobs and 2 very small children.

That said, I'd not be impressed if my dh expressed any displeasure at dinner not being ready for him - ever. And in 25 years of marriage he has been very grateful for anything I've put before him (ditto me) and eaten a bowl of cornflakes or had a sandwich if there was no dinner - like he would have done if I wasn't there.

I think it is a teething problem but, OP, don't get sucked into being responsible for dinner because you get home earlier. Getting a 2 and 3 year old sorted and in bed is a big deal - why would you be cooking dinner too in the same hour?

I wonder have you just gone back to work from maternity leave?

but how would you have felt if you were a Parent A OP?

I mean this genuinely. Do people really "feel" something if there isn't a dinner ready for them once they are in a partnership? What do they feel? hungry, abandoned, unloved??? Don't they just make toast or a sandwich or a bowl of cereal or a quick bacon and eggs like all the rest of the adults in the world?

100% with pallisers on this.

Parent B not unreasonable not to cook. Parent A not unreasonable to expect food if they usually get fed on a Thursday before activity.

But Parent A totally out of order to be in any way annoyed AT ALL and not just a) make a sandwich b) grab something on the way to coaching c) wait till later, even if starving.

Adults can cater for themselves with no fuss even if they were anticipating having a meal ready to eat. If they’re not home to do bedtime for 2 under 3s then they cannot in all good conscience express ANY displeasure or they’re 100% an arse.

This isn't about 'dinner' or 'wife duties', more about an expectation that comes from an arrangement, albeit a new one.
If I have an arrangement with my partner, and they don't fulfil it, even with a good reason, then I would be disappointed. That doesn't mean I would be unkind or childish, but my expectation wouldn't be unreasonable.
The OP hasn't said they had an arguement or that Parent A didn't grab something to eat, they asked whether Parent A's expectation was unreasonable, and from the OPs responses I don't think it was.

Parent A was U and bet parent A is a man and B is a woman!

Jesus - why can’t you both just talk to each other?

If I have an arrangement with my partner, and they don't fulfil it, even with a good reason, then I would be disappointed.

well there was no arrangement.

But even if there was a loose arrangement that the one home first made dinner ... if I came home and dh had picked up the 2 and 3 year old from daycare and got them into bed the fucking last thing I would say to him would be "why isn't there a dinner for me" . I just can't imagine it. And yes I think my expectation of dinner in those circumstances would be unkind, childish and unreasonable.

It the OP is just starting back at work she need to set expectations now.

honestly I would think less of an adult who whined about his dinner not being ready when his wife had worked, commuted, picked up their children and put them to bed but hadn't gotten around to making his dinner. In similar circumstances my dh would been worried he couldn't make me dinner because he was rushing out.

@loveisland would you really be disappointed even if you knew partner has picked up dc, bathed and put them to bed and sat with them so they’ll sleep, all in hour? I don’t think I’d be disappointed that partner also hasn’t managed to make dinner in that hour, I’d be amazed if they had!

The OP hasn't said they had an arguement or that Parent A didn't grab something to eat, they asked whether Parent A's expectation was unreasonable

How would OP know her DP was "expecting" dinner if they hadn't mentioned it, and made OP feel a bit bad about it? Why would they start a MN thread if there wasn't some judgement attached to the expectation.

If I arrived home and my DP had put 2 and 3 year olds to bed and there was no dinner in the kitchen for me, I wouldn't even mention it. If I did mention it I might say "Is there any food going?", but without expectation.

Whatever the question about dinner, the answer these days is always "I will have whatever you are making darling or it is beans on toast again?".

After many years of DH coming home and asking "what I am I having for my dinner" when we both worked full-time and had children to care for, I had enough of this malarkey some years ago.

When challenged about his lack of involvement, DH would state that I made dinner for the kids anyway, so it wasn't a big deal to do his as well. The favour was very rarely reciprocated. They are grown up now and live away from home, so I stock on ready meals or DH can make his own food from scratch. He doesn't just in case anyone wonders.

On Saturday and Sunday I will happily spend time in the kitchen producing really nice homemade meals as I am a good cook. After 37 years of marriage I will not feed an ungrateful DH on days when we both work.

A is unreasonable. Maybe he should drop the activity if he can’t find the time to make his own sandwich. The kids needs always come first.

Also, if I were parent A I would be bloody great full that the kids had been out to bed by someone else and shut up...

Life is hard enough without arguing who is the most unreasonable in this situation.

Get kids fed, bathed and into bed verses make your own food....ummm what a tough question! A should feel lucky they have the easy option