Which parent is BU

[Twickerhun]

Who is unreasonable?
Both parents work long days and have long commutes and take it in turns to drop children off and pick them up from child care.

Parent A has a once a week commitment in the evenings (think coach for a local youth team). They were late leaving work tonight and got home only just before they had to leave again. They expected parent B to have dinner ready for them to eat and run but parent B has not cooked. Parent A had not actually asked parent B to get dinner ready.

Parent B was on children pick up. They had an hour between getting the kids from child care and parent A coming home. In that hour they got the kids changed, into the bath and to bed (children are 2 and 3) but the kids weren’t asleep yet and they didn’t make dinner for parent A as they sit with the kids until they are asleep.

Who is being unreasonable? Parent A for expecting dinner or parent b for not finding the time to make dinner?

If the parent home first usually cooks it's not that unreasonable for A to expect something, especially when B knows they'll be running straight back out of the door and won't have time. A jacket spud chucked in the oven before sorting the kids out would've done.

It’s a relatively new arrangement but usually the parent home first cooks.

That does rather change things. If B knew that A would expect them to cook, and that A had to rush out, it would be reasonable to have thrown something together. In this weather something like a salad would be fine and wouldn't delay the bedtime routine by more than a few minutes.

Who fed the children?

Parent A. Theres ther things to be done other than make a meal for an adult. He wont starve.

You're obviously both cross/upset about something else-sit down and discuss the real problem!

Please remind parent B. Had they simply phone and told parent A, they were running so late, asked nicely parent A would have kindly made them something to help out.

I suggest the wording of this..
Hi sweetheart, I am so sorry but everything has gone arse shaped, would it be possible for you to have something ready for me when I get home. I will owe you so much for this.

It’s so new we aren’t yet in a proper predictable settled arrangement.
Probably the norm is I (parent b) would cook because I do slightly more of the time but I ran out of time and energy tonight.
Children eat at childcare.

Both parents could do with being a little more considerate. No issue here that couldn't have been resolved with a 60 second conversation.

Parent A whips up scrambled egg on toast, job done.

I would hate to live like this. Neither myself nor my husband 'expect' anything of each other. We both pull our weight by our own choice. There's just so much drama. Nothing cooked, ok, I'll grab a piece of toast.

Surely parent A should be saying thanks for sorting the kids so I can go out for the evening, rather than bitching?

I would be really mad if id worked a full day and then got the kids to bed, and DH moaned about his dinner. I'm not bloody magic.

Surely parent A should be saying thanks for sorting the kids so I can go out for the evening, rather than bitching?

THis

It’s a relatively new arrangement but usually the parent home first cooks.

Then it is not unreasonable for your partner to have expected dinner is it? Not sure why you think they should have specifically asked you to make dinner if this is the arrangement.

I ran out of time and energy tonight.

Absolutely fair enough but your partner is not psychic, the considerate thing would have been to text them to let know so they could make alternative arrangements - like picking something up on their way home - since their time was limited.

Parent A for not texting. If OH texted me to say he was running late I would have done my best to get him something, otherwise how would I know.

Twickerhun
I think the fact he? puts the children to bed and will cook means you have a good one.
Don't get detailed by a petty worry, just ensure you speak if something comes up, communication and a will to both compromise is a wonderful thing.
My parents had over 50 years..
If mum was late dad cooked, if both late fish and chips worked...
Good luck in your life

Parent A is being unreasonable. They should of said they were going to be late/needed to eat etc. One hour for getting the kids bathed and in bed isn’t bad. Adding cooking to that is difficult. As another said, eggs on toast, job done.

Parent B is not a mind reader and presuming parent A to be a fully functioning adult, they are more than capable of a) communicating and b) feeding themselves

I would be cooking slightly less of the time if I were you. Obviously he acts like a twat if he expects it.

Both. Given this is a regular commitment can't they just discuss in morning to make a plan?

YABU for the Parent A/B thing. In terms of the scenario you're both BU in not communicating properly.

In my house Parent A would have grabbed something on their way home - but probably also text and wouldn't grab something if A texted back that they had a meal ready (on those rare occasions I have been super prepared and bunged something in the slow cooker).

I think the fact he puts the children to bed and will cook means you have a good one

Why did the man walk into the bar?
Because it was set so low.

The fact he parents his children and will feed himself makes him a good one? Christ.

I suspect he expects you to cook more because he sees it as wife work.

What happens if you only get home a little while before him? Will you always have to cook?

Just a simple case of poor communication. I work a lot of evenings as a chef and DP is on call most nights, which means he gets a call and is out of the house on his way to the job immediately. If I'm home first and early I generally cook, and we have a stock of ready meals/leftovers in the fridge that dp can bung in the microwave if he's in a rush and I'm not home.

Have seen just how low the bar is for some posters on MN...
One left his child dirty and unfeed to prove a point....