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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel sad SIL doesn’t seem to trust me with her kids

40 replies

Vossi · 18/07/2019 20:25

My DD6 and my niece (7) are best friends. We live two streets away from my brother and SIL so our kids have grown up together and have a close bond.

My niece often asks if she can have sleepovers at my house with DD, but SIL always says no. SIL has no problem with hosting the sleepovers at her house though and my DD has stayed over there quite a lot. DD got a huge doll house made for her for her birthday and whilst I was dropping something round to SIL today, my niece asked if she could sleep round so her and DD could play with it. I said I had no problems but she’d have to ask SIL, and SIL said no Sad

SIL has never allowed me to take niece out with us without her being there, if niece and DD want to play it has to be at SIL’s house otherwise SIL insists on coming to mine too. This is ok but sometimes I have work to do whilst the girls play and I can’t really work and hold a conversation with SIL at the same time.

I just feel a bit hurt that SIL doesn’t think I’m capable of looking after niece, and sad for DD and niece that she’s not allowed to sleepover at mine.

So AIBU?

OP posts:
CrackOn · 18/07/2019 20:30

No, yanbu. But that may not be the actual reason. Maybe your neice doesn't do well at sleepovers or isn't dry overnight yet. Have you asked sil what's going on?

CarrieBlu · 18/07/2019 20:30

I understand why you feel hurt, but I would tread carefully here. You don’t know the full story - she might have anxiety, there may be historical issues of things that happened to her when she was a child, DN might be saying one thing to you and your DD but in the comfort of her own home says something different to her Mum. It could be any number of things. If you have a good relationship with your brother perhaps you could try and ask him about it?

gracepoolesrum · 18/07/2019 20:34

Does your sil leave her daughter with anyone else? You're taking this personally but there's nothing in what you've written to suggest she has a problem with you, it sounds more likely she doesn't want to leave her DD, which could be for any number of reasons.

Oysterbabe · 18/07/2019 20:37

It's not necessarily about you. I can be quite over protective of DD and struggle to leave her with anyone else even though I know they're more than capable.

Shahlalala · 18/07/2019 20:42

My DD is much younger, but I also struggle to leave her with other people. I know they are capable and she would be fine, but I would be a nervous wreck.

liitlepenguin · 18/07/2019 20:42

Yabu unreasonable. I have really bad anxiety I am basically your SIL. My DC don't stay away overnight. I have a lot of things happen in my childhood which makes me unable to trust others. I get you think it's u. But it might really not be !

Morgan12 · 18/07/2019 20:44

I would ask your brother about it discreetly. It is strange and I'd be upset but she may have her reasons.

Phineyj · 18/07/2019 20:44

It's probably nothing to do with you directly. My DSis is a bit like this. But I don't think it's about me personally so much as her insecurities and anxieties. You're quite lucky compared to me though as you live close by and the girls have a good relationship, so I'd count your lucky stars!

I'd bide your time and see what happens when niece is secondary age.

Original poster
Vossi · 18/07/2019 20:46

My mum has mentioned to my brother about it as she’s never been allowed to have DN either. My brother said SIL doesn’t like having DN out of her sight and made a comment along the lines of “I call her a Smother, not a Mother” (jokingly). The only person allowed to look after DN is my SIL’s mum but that’s only in absolute emergencies such as when my DN had to go to hospital Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Vossi · 18/07/2019 20:46

Sorry I meant when my nephew had to go to hospital

OP posts:
NoSauce · 18/07/2019 20:46

Does your DN sleep out anywhere? If no then I wouldn’t take it personally, sounds like SIL has her reasons for not letting her DD sleep out.

Waveysnail · 18/07/2019 20:47

Poor kid. Shes going to rebel at some point and shes missing out

NoSauce · 18/07/2019 20:47

X post, there you go then. It’s not you OP, it’s her.

MiMiMaguire · 18/07/2019 20:50

Well theres your answer. Its not you, its her.

thecatinthetwat · 18/07/2019 20:51

Well there's your answer OP. Given that you know that already, you should probably explain to your dd, to make sure she doesn't feel rejected and knows not to ask.

It's not personal.

1stmonkey · 18/07/2019 20:52

Not unreasonable to feel sad about it at all, appreciate that ot probably hurts your feelings. But there may be any number of reasons for your SIL to want to keep her daughter close. Even if you do consider her overprotective, its not your place to do or say anything about it. I'm sure you'd object to her commenting on your parenting choices.

Original poster
Vossi · 18/07/2019 20:53

Yeah I know it’s not personal and maybe SIL is just anxious. DD does get upset when DN can’t stay so I’ll just have to give her plenty of reassurance.

OP posts:
boosterrooster · 18/07/2019 20:56

She seems overprotective and as others have said, she might have valid reasons.

Don't take it personally!

HJWT · 18/07/2019 21:01

@Vossi I think she is being very OTT! I am SUPER protective of my DD she doesn't even go to my mum or sister shes left me once in 3 years when we went down south recently she stayed with SIL and DN! But when shes older I wont have a problem with it.

Its rude she expects you to trust her with your child but won't trust you with her DD 🤔 its not like shes a young toddler that can get into sticky situations x

dottiedodah · 18/07/2019 21:02

As long as DD can stay over at DN house not a problem really .Many mums are protective of their daughters .I think she may change her mind as DN gets a bit older .She may have issues from when she was a child, and this has made her wary.If shes not allowed to stay with DM either, then I wouldnt take it too personally TBH!

Mummyoflittledragon · 18/07/2019 21:06

I know the situation seems so set in stone. This will change. By the time your niece is in secondary she will be going on sleepovers with friends. Your dd is extremely lucky to have a cousin she adores so close in age and whose mother welcomes her for sleepovers. I think I’d be talking to your dd about all the positives not the negatives.

Itwouldtakemuchmorethanthis · 18/07/2019 21:09

I expect someone hurt her or someone she loves. Ask them both for a sleepover.

HerRoyalNotness · 18/07/2019 21:12

As it’s for play visits as well I’d have to ask if there is anything that troubles her about it. What does your brother think?

Rachelover40 · 18/07/2019 21:14

You're not unreasonable but some parents are like that, I've come across the same attitude. I don't know what it is but they must have their child sleeping under their roof or they feel insecure. I suppose they cannot help it. My mum was like that with me, it was irksome and embarrassing. Understandable if you don't know people that well but not with close friends and family.

Your niece will gradually do things independently as she grows older and that will include knocking at your door and, eventually, staying at your house.

Dieu · 18/07/2019 21:14

Aww, YADNBU, and I'd be sad too, in your position. You're family, not some random school mum!
Have you tried speaking to her about this? I'm sure it's nothing personal, as you sound like a lovely aunt. This is her issue.