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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel sad SIL doesn’t seem to trust me with her kids

40 replies

Vossi · 18/07/2019 20:25

My DD6 and my niece (7) are best friends. We live two streets away from my brother and SIL so our kids have grown up together and have a close bond.

My niece often asks if she can have sleepovers at my house with DD, but SIL always says no. SIL has no problem with hosting the sleepovers at her house though and my DD has stayed over there quite a lot. DD got a huge doll house made for her for her birthday and whilst I was dropping something round to SIL today, my niece asked if she could sleep round so her and DD could play with it. I said I had no problems but she’d have to ask SIL, and SIL said no

SIL has never allowed me to take niece out with us without her being there, if niece and DD want to play it has to be at SIL’s house otherwise SIL insists on coming to mine too. This is ok but sometimes I have work to do whilst the girls play and I can’t really work and hold a conversation with SIL at the same time.

I just feel a bit hurt that SIL doesn’t think I’m capable of looking after niece, and sad for DD and niece that she’s not allowed to sleepover at mine.

So AIBU?

OP posts:

LillithsFamiliar · 18/07/2019 21:17

tbh she's 7. Lots of 7-yr-olds don't have sleepovers. As for DSIL coming when the girls play at your's. You said you're often working whilst they're playing. Perhaps she thinks they need more supervision than you can give.
I'd be uncomfortable if my SIL was lobbying my DH and my DMIL about spending more time with my DD without me. It's not very respectful of her position. You have to trust she is doing the best for her DD which may not be the best for your's.

AJPTaylor · 18/07/2019 21:18

I think that you just say to dd that parents have different views and dn is not allowed to stay so best to stop mentioning it.
It clearly isn't about you so I would just ignore it!

Iggly · 18/07/2019 21:19

It sounds like SIL just wants to keep her daughter close until she’s ready to let her have sleepovers.

This isn’t about you by the sounds of it, so I wouldn’t overthink it.

BusyMum1978 · 18/07/2019 21:20

YANBU but she sounds very anxious. Could you discuss with your brother in an un-jokey way? She may get better as the children get a bit older. I was a little like her but better when the children got to 9ish

Italiangreyhound · 18/07/2019 21:27

YABU. Sorry, I rarely say that. But it is your SIL and her husband's choice who looks after their child.

It's clear that your SIL doesn't trust anyone else to look after her child except in extreme circumstances so you know it is not personal.

Your dd gets to play at your niece's house and sometimes your dd can have her over but your SIL comes too.

I am pretty sure my dd had only had one night away from home by age 7, and when we had play dates I always went too by age 7. DD was quite anxious and so was I.

I'd be quite careful about discussing this with your brother because your SIL may feel that is an invasion of her privacy in some way.

It's OK for your dd to know that not all children get to go on sleep overs and so in one sense she is lucky that she does get to go on them.

LilQueenie · 18/07/2019 21:28

do you have different parenting techniques at all? dsis lets our father take care of her dd but I won't. I sometimes wonder how I made it to adulthood myself. He doesn't exactly parent in a way I am comfortable with. Is there anything in the past that could make her wary.

RIzzosHairspray · 18/07/2019 21:38

7 is still quite young for sleepovers, and the vast majority of visits are still done with a parent in tow surely?

Do you do anything differently from the norm in terms of safety? I won't let a relative of mine have my DC alone for any more than the very odd half hour when we nip to the shop, because although relative is lovely and adores DC, their ideas of what constitutes adequate supervision of small children differ hugely from mine, and I simply couldn't leave them for longer without worrying myself sick. Relative would be horrified and offended if I said as much, so I keep my mouth shut and let them think I'm overprotective.

On the flip side, a friend was horrified when I suggested her five year old take a turn around my garden on his own, to hunt for snails - it is terraced and she felt it was a safety hazard, whereas I felt that by age five he should be able to manage OK.

missperegrinespeculiar · 18/07/2019 22:21

wow, I thought I was anxious! I feel a bit sorry for all involved actually.

I don't think you can push the issue, she has to do what she is comfortable with, but to PP saying she is doing the best for her daughter, well, we can't know that, true if it is the child who is anxious, not necessarily true if it is the mother.

Interesting to hear different views, I have a 7 year old, in my circle staying over at play dates at this age would be odd, unless parents are also friends and want a catch up, but plenty would not be ready for sleep overs though.

Armadillostoes · 18/07/2019 22:44

YANBU And it is sad that some people think that their anxieties as parents justify spoiling things for their children. Over protective parenting is damaging and selfish.

It may be that their are reasons related to your DN here, but it is a shame that your SIL won't share them. If that is not the case and it is all about SIL, that is real shame.

Italiangreyhound · 19/07/2019 01:55

Not all 7 years olds have sleep overs. Nor do they all want to spend time at others houses without their mum.

We've no way of knowing if the level of protection is too much. But if it were a case of being a bit over protective I'd say better than not protective enough.

WishingILivedOnAnIsland · 19/07/2019 02:03

Well then you know it's not about you so I'm not sure why you're 'hurt'.

I think you need to tread carefully and respect her boundaries and parenting style. You come off as a bit judgemental and you wouldn't want her picking up on that.

Accept the boundary and stop asking. Just accept that people are different to you and move on with your life. Explain to your DD that DN isn't allowed to sleep over, and for her to stop asking. She'll get over it.

7 is still really young for sleep overs IMO. I wouldn't be agreeing to that either.

If you want to get work done while they are all playing at yours, just say to SIL 'I'm sorry I can't sit and chat today, I have some work that can't wait. Please help yourself to the remote and anything in the kitchen.'

Yeahnahmum · 19/07/2019 02:47

Seeing your later post: this is not about you
It is about her being a control freak. A smother instead of a mother (her dp's words haha)

A 7 yo being too young for a sleep over?really ppers? She is 7 not 3. And they are nieces 😊 would be such a nice thing for both.

Namechangedonceagain · 19/07/2019 07:01

I don't let my young children go for sleepovers either. I don't see the point of it and I am much happier with the children in my own house where I know they're safe and happy. 🤷

Notonthestairs · 19/07/2019 07:18

I think you need to stop suggesting sleepovers for a while. Things will change as they get older. There isn't a rush to do it now.

Phineyj · 19/07/2019 08:31

I wouldn't let my 7 year old go in a sleepover (barring real necessity) not because I'm particularly over protective bit because she's an utter nightmare to get to bed much of the te.and I couldn't inflict that on someone else! You may be having a lucky escape here, OP .

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