To worry about DH's secret friend

[WhenCheeseIsLife]

My husband has a secret friend (not so secret now) that I found out about by accident.

Would it bother you?

I saw a text on his phone from this female friend. Nothing bad just they were meeting for lunch. I brought it up there and then. I wasn't horrible or accusatory. (Just to point out before anyone does, I have no problem with him having friends, male or female! He has many and does meet up occasionally with both male and female friends. I also don't insist he tells me exactly who he spoke to. What bothers me is that he's kept her a secret and then lied about it).

My words to him were simply "oh, are you meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow?" When I saw the text. He got very defensive about it saying that yes he was, she's an old friend he's known for a long time and he had done nothing wrong, he can meet up with whoever he likes. Which is true! And I would never stop him.
He's never been like this with any other female friends.

The really strange thing happened when a few months later we decided to book a day off work to spend together. There was only one day available that I could take, asked DH if he was ok with it and booked it. A few days later I brought up this day off trying to plan what to do and he said he couldn't do that day because he thought he had business meeting. Got out his work phone and said this meeting was with this woman. I asked him if he would be able to rearrange the meeting for another day since she's a friend and as it was the only day I could have. There were too many people off for the next few weeks. WIBU to ask??

We had a massive argument about it because I didn't see how he couldn't even ask...if she had said no then I told him that's fair enough because his work is important. He told me her dad owned some huge company that he was trying to get work from for years and made me feel incredibly small and pathetic for even asking. (I googled it and their family don't own it at all! Complete lie!) I did tell him what I found and he just said that he owns another company but must have forgotten the name. Yes! He forgot the name of a company he has desperately been trying to get work from for years.

I don't think he's having an affair with her but probably more likely an emotional affair.

So my question is AIBU by being bothered by this? He just acted so strangely and defensively when I asked. I am very ashamed to say that I peeked at his phone after though! I don't know what came over me. It was a complete invasion of his privacy and I've never done it since. I know I was completely unreasonable doing that. He had texted her saying she was a good friend and how lucky he was to have her in his life. I haven't brought it up since and have no idea if he still meets up with her. I'm happy that he has her as a friend to talk to but I don't understand why he would never mention her. Am I being batshit crazy?!

Hopefully it is nothing untoward and I imagine finding more information wouldn’t be easy, but don’t go through private or work emails etc. Whether he is cheating or not it’s still wrong to do. I can’t say whether I think he is or not because I don’t know him, hopefully you find out something either way soon.

Yeah I'd be so so cross. Livid if my husband did this!!

The problem with providing a lot of detail could mean that it's a cover for a lie (it's a well-known technique).

Dont fool yourself love. He is fooling you enough. These are all terrible signs. If he hasn't yet cheated he is well on the way.

He is having an affair.

"DH isn't on FB so won't be listed as her friend" I take it you think this because HE said so? The same man you KNOW now has lied to you on multiple occasions and has kept a "friendship" secret - go through her friends list anyway, he might be there under a "nickname" or even his actual name - but has you blocked - so look not on your phone/tablet from your account but someone else's or make a dummy one for the purpose

I've been in a similar position, it's damn hard but worth it to "keep your cards close" until you have more evidence - even WITH concrete evidence (including a pregnancy!) my ex STILL tried to deny but I knew. I finally got an apology several YEARS later - the night before he married her when he was only doing so to try and get in my pants!

Hi
My best friends hubby had a clone of her phone done - google it as it doesn’t seem as difficult as it sounds. No surprises she was having an affair. If your gut instinct tells you that you sadly are probably right. Even if only emotional now. He confronted her & she was remorseful etc & finished it but he didn’t tell her about the clone / how he knew so he then watched her have 3 more flings / affairs before he blew up & they separated. V sad. But even though she’s my oldest friend I said good on you to him as you need to know. I think it’s crazy when people suspect an affair & do nothing & put up with it for years. Also if he leaves an Apple device at home & he has what’s app on it you should be able to see messages. For example I have what’s app on iPhone & Mac. Or if you can log into his laptop you should be able to see any pics if he’s on the cloud. My friend was apparently deleting evidence on way home from work but hubby had already seen evidence & then could see it being deleted while he was waiting to pick her up from the station. Gutting. Hopefully it’s early enough it’s emotional & you can get to the bottom of what caused him to look for this / have some counselling & move on stronger. But make sure you do get to the bottom of it. Good luck & stand your ground! Xx

Please ignore women who tell you not to read his emails etc - you are married to him- you have every right to if you suspect cheating. If someone has you living a lie and is betraying your trust and about to bring you all manner of untold misery an invasion of privacy is of no concern.

100% dodgy. I don’t know the solution, OP, but the signs are all there.

I bought a recording device that looks exactly like a usb stick from Amazon for £18. Just put it in his car then retrieved it a few days later then listened to their disgusting conversations. Marriage now over.

@Lennon80 Morally, there may be an argument for reading emails. Legally, no one has the right to read someone else’s emails without permission.

There’s a difference between personal email and professional. I think most workplaces would regard an ‘invasion of privacy’ as a massive concern.

Just to add - I know OP said she doesn’t intend to read the work emails anyway.

Sounds like you’d be wise to have a plan in place- if it becomes clear that he is having an affair you need to prepared. Men having affairs have months to plan how to leave. He’s already proved that he can’t be trusted.

Direwolfwrangler

I’m talking about the person who suggested even if he is cheating it’s still wrong to go through his personal emails. I don’t know what planet this comes from but if that were the case the police would be refused search warrants. ‘Ah we know you have committed a crime but we won’t go through your internet history as it wouldn’t be right’ Ffs

@Lennon80 Having an affair isnt a crime.Immoral yes.So the police being allowed to go through your internet history does not count.

Legally, no one has the right to read someone else’s emails without permission.

Is this true? Is this actually enshrined in law?

Lennon80 Is that actually true? I have a legal right to go through my partners private or work emails if I suspect cheating? Can I also open his mail and check his phone even though it’s his private device?

@Ahagmeriggins

Ever heard of hacking? If you are entering a password that is not yours, you’re hacking. Might not be as sophisticated as hacking the Pentagon, but it’s illegal.

Lennon80 Is that actually true? I have a legal right to go through my partners private or work emails if I suspect cheating? Can I also open his mail and check his phone even though it’s his private device?

Morally yes. Legally of course not. Even the police need a warrant... or funnily enough it’s unlawful.

Shagmeriggins

@Lennon80
My BIL did this when he thought his DP was gaslighting him about an "old friend". Never introduced to the friend at all. Always knew any other female friend. He pretended to be DP by text and unfortunately his very worst fears were confirmed. Affair was exposed and DP contrite and "ended it", but then BIL found a secret phone stashed in the car.
Once your trust is gone that's it.

Dustan73 - missed the point - obviously it’s not illegal To have an affair.

Personally I think most women would read emails if their lives were being based on a lie and their partner cheating. Or maybe they are all down with being totally fucked over and are so submissive they wouldn’t dream of reading emails. Same women who wouldn’t look at browsing history and happy for their husbands to orgasm at paid rape aka porn, liberal feminism -
So important to seem cool as fuck about being shafted.

How is it trying to seem cool by respecting someone’s actual legal right to privacy? We aren’t allowed to just go through peoples emails, phones etc so why tell someone to do it because they suspect cheating? As horrible as cheating is it doesn’t mean you should go breaking the law. It has fuck all to do with being cool and allowing the cheating to happen.

The defensiveness is a huge red flag. Ask him to invite her to your home for dinner & see what his response is.... Not with the intention of actually doing it, but to see if that produces panic & any other red flag.... As if she's 'just a an old friend' he should be fine with you meeting.