To worry about DH's secret friend

[WhenCheeseIsLife]

My husband has a secret friend (not so secret now) that I found out about by accident.

Would it bother you?

I saw a text on his phone from this female friend. Nothing bad just they were meeting for lunch. I brought it up there and then. I wasn't horrible or accusatory. (Just to point out before anyone does, I have no problem with him having friends, male or female! He has many and does meet up occasionally with both male and female friends. I also don't insist he tells me exactly who he spoke to. What bothers me is that he's kept her a secret and then lied about it).

My words to him were simply "oh, are you meeting a friend for lunch tomorrow?" When I saw the text. He got very defensive about it saying that yes he was, she's an old friend he's known for a long time and he had done nothing wrong, he can meet up with whoever he likes. Which is true! And I would never stop him.
He's never been like this with any other female friends.

The really strange thing happened when a few months later we decided to book a day off work to spend together. There was only one day available that I could take, asked DH if he was ok with it and booked it. A few days later I brought up this day off trying to plan what to do and he said he couldn't do that day because he thought he had business meeting. Got out his work phone and said this meeting was with this woman. I asked him if he would be able to rearrange the meeting for another day since she's a friend and as it was the only day I could have. There were too many people off for the next few weeks. WIBU to ask??

We had a massive argument about it because I didn't see how he couldn't even ask...if she had said no then I told him that's fair enough because his work is important. He told me her dad owned some huge company that he was trying to get work from for years and made me feel incredibly small and pathetic for even asking. (I googled it and their family don't own it at all! Complete lie!) I did tell him what I found and he just said that he owns another company but must have forgotten the name. Yes! He forgot the name of a company he has desperately been trying to get work from for years.

I don't think he's having an affair with her but probably more likely an emotional affair.

So my question is AIBU by being bothered by this? He just acted so strangely and defensively when I asked. I am very ashamed to say that I peeked at his phone after though! I don't know what came over me. It was a complete invasion of his privacy and I've never done it since. I know I was completely unreasonable doing that. He had texted her saying she was a good friend and how lucky he was to have her in his life. I haven't brought it up since and have no idea if he still meets up with her. I'm happy that he has her as a friend to talk to but I don't understand why he would never mention her. Am I being batshit crazy?!

Having a female friend isn't suspicious

His reaction his

YANBU

The second they start to lie something is not right imo plus why get defensive if it's innocent?

My dh was caught out in an EA with someone at work. He was defensive and lied multiple times until he realised I meant what I said, that I was going to divorce his arse if he lied to me one more time. it was going on for for months without me knowing anything about her! But then I trusted him completely so that's how he got away with it

You could have been describing my DH a yeah ago!!

He had a friend he met on his morning commute. I'm certain it was perfectly innocent at first. I even met her a few times.

A few months later and I was getting worried that he was slipping into an emotional affair. I told him so and he reassured me he wasn't.

Truth to be told I wanted to believe it was still completely innocent so I didn't dig any further because I was afraid of what I might find.

He became very defensive when I asked about her, normal questions like how was she doing. He became especially protective over his phone and started brushing off conversations if I ever mentioned her.

Business meetings and functions seemed to increase and it became common for him to work an extra hour.

It was all subtle enough to not raise the red flags very quickly and even when they were flying I refused to look at them because I was scared it would turn out he was having an affair.

Needless to say the emotional affair turned into something far more serious. They were meeting up at lunch and after work for dinner and sex.
He did confess in the end that he'd been having an affair for over a year. Totally broke down and told me everything (in explicit detail!).
What was supposed to be a bit of fun for him had got serious and he didn't know how to get out.

We have kept together but I wouldn't have stayed if not for his honesty. A year on and it's still tough to come to terms with but we're working on building up that trust again.

Answer to your question; you should definitely be worried about this secret friend. An emotional affair is unlikely to stop there if it hasn't progressed already.

Sorry. :(

This is how it starts. Unless he "confesses" all (and I put it in brackets because they never, ever, EVER truly "confess", just make up whatever shit they think you want to hear), etc, he will always keep her. She will be his ego boost, his shag, whatever - and you will never ever know if he's truly telling the truth. My dh had "secret friends" - made me feel the same way at first as yours did to you. He'd make up all sorts to make out like I was crazy, all in my head etc - but no, he was shagging them.

He's lying to you. He's covering his tracks. He is prioritising her over his own WIFE. What does that tell you?

He’s cheating. I’m so sorry OP.

The thing is - my DH has many friends he's known for a long time (some from long before he met me), and both male and female. And over the years I've met most of them. The rest I've got to know about in conversations over the years.

But there's never been a 'new' old friend pop out of nowhere.

How come he has never mentioned this so-called old friend before, even in passing? Surely if she was such an old pal he'd have mentioned her existence at some point.

Bit fishy if you ask me.

I will add my dh 'friendship' started off innocently and then snowballed. I remember one day picking up his phone to play a game and he snatched it off me. He also started wearing aftershave. There was definitely an attraction on his part but not hers as far as I can tell as she made it clear she was in a relationship to him. I don't think he intended it to go as far as it did but it happened

I'm one year on too and I still don't trust him and I've said if I end up never trusting him then it's game over. Trust what your gut is telling you op as mine was right!

Ugh I hate when people do this.

He'll be onto "see this is why I didn't tell you, because I knew you'd go mental" Well if you know something will hurt me so are too scared to have a grown up conversation... DONT DO IT IN THE FIRST PLACE THEN!

It's rarely the action of a partner that's hurt me and more their lies and deceit and gaslighting after the event.

Listen to your gut OP.

Play it cool and dig around to see what you can find.
And if it's not gone too far tell him that he needs to end their 'friendship' because of the secrets and lies. He will kick off and accuse you of over reacting probably bit that will be another lie. Don't let him get away with this bullshit op.

No cool wife here. I'd be all over that.

Thank you so much everyone for replying to me.
It's such a relief to hear that I'm not crazy! This isn't right. I'll find my inner batshit crazy detective and do a bit of digging since he'll deny it if I just ask.

He may or may not be having an affair but what he is doing is putting this women and the 'friendship' above your marriage! Your absolutely right to have massive concerns about that and the fact he is being secretive and trying to make you feel stupid about it is even more worrying.

You are not crazy he is a arse hole for making you think you are!

I’m obviously the opposite of a ‘cool wife’.

I’d say ‘The friendship you have with this woman makes me uncomfortable on several levels, and for a few different reasons. I’ve got good reason to decide that it is detrimental to our marriage, and my sense of trust and respect in you. I’m now asking for you to put an end to the friendship. Thankyou.’

And if he dared to strop about it in any serious way, life would become suddenly very much more difficult for him.

In my book, partners are happy to prioritise the feelings of their mate. Even if (by chance) there’s been nothing disloyal going on. It’s fine to have friendships with both sexes, but not to put any of those above the happiness of your home life. Just ask, and expect to be taken seriously. It’s not you siding against his interests, it’s you siding with him and the partnership, against a potential threat.

Good on you op. All the lying alone should tell you something's not right. He wouldn't be lying if it's an innocent friendship imo, looks like there's at least an attraction on his part

You're not crazy OP, as many other PP have mentioned his reaction is extremely suspicious - trust your gut on this one and don't let him make you think you're crazy.

And remind him that he made this a thing by lying - if he hadn't you'd be cool with her, he has other female friends which you're fine with! He chose to keep her hidden away and that's on him.

Can you access his work emails? As thats where he may communicate with her too

YANBU. I don't think this is acceptable in a marriage.

If it was, he wouldn't lie

Is she was a friend he would have told you.

While I doubt anything has happened yet (after reading first post), I suspect it’s only because if hasent reached that point. His a lying cheat

He's covering his back for something.

You're very right to be suspicious.

Whatever your suspicions, do not try and read his work emails! I don’t know what your husband does but I work with confidential materials and if someone read my emails without permission I’d be furious. It would also be a breach of our IT Security policy and would have to be reported.

my daughter was married with a child to a man with a secret friend. She thought it was a man, but it came out that it was a woman. Husband denied it was anything more than friendship yet he would spend New Years with friend leaving my daughter at home with the baby and other such times.
Eventually my daughter broke and chucked him out. He then moved in with secret friend and now those two are married with kids and my daughter divorced him.
Worse perhaps finding out that he had married my daughter to make the secret friend jealous as she was living with someone at that time.

My intuition had told me he was lying but my daughter was in love and it caused trouble between us. I will never forgive him for hurting her and the children.

If OP you feel suspicious I say trust your gut feelings.

I'll find my inner batshit crazy detective and do a bit of digging since he'll deny it if I just ask.

OK, a tip:

Does he have a gmail account? (Or any other Google product). Did you know Google mail tracks your movements if you have location on?

Go on any of your devices where he's logged into Google (if he hasn't t actively logged out, he's probably still logged in) and look at Google Timeline. If he's had location switched on, it'll show you where he's been. Look for anything unusual. Especially look at the days he's met this woman, where did they go exactly?

www.google.co.uk/maps/timeline

An emotional affair is an affair

Lying, defensiveness, prioritising his communications with her to the detriment of his marriage

Affair. Act accordingly.